GIRLS DON'T FORGET THAT MEN ARE BASTARDS -.-

Down-to-reality relationships after the age of 20?

I wonder what's with all the girls searching for long lasting relationships that have a perspective for more these days. My friend Linda has had MANY boyfriends, she seems to be tired of dating at the age of 19 already, saying shes searching for something longer lasting. Shouldn't girls still only just be having fun at clubs and flirting with guys? I actually don't think so. I never enjoyed flirting with random guys I don't know. They've got nothing more than a stare from me. But then again I think I somehow became the same. A girl that has had numerous boyfriends and even her real life relationships only lasted 2 and 3 months, has begun to date guys for 6months 8 months and 7months real life far relationship. Overlooking everything and staying in the relationship even if I wasn't really happy or completely head over heels in love. Also I have ALWAYS dated guys that completely dedicated themselves to me and loved me more than themselves, who adored me and would do ANYTHING for me. With anything I mean anything. But then this one guy, he would never be like that. He would never promise me future or act that he wants to be with me forever. On the opposide, he was feeling suffocated by me wanting him by my side 24/7. A thing that all the previous guys would be honestly incredibly happy about. I wonder do I wanna have the perspective for a possible future at too young age? He's been 6years older than me, I'm 19 now. Isn't that an age when you should start thinking about more than short flings? But me, 19 is too young to think about a guy for lifetime and spending future together. Why was I so horribly trying to prolong all the relationships that weren't working. Arguing day in day out and a 'break up sign' was always floating over those relationships. Why stay with them, what do I have to lose. What am I scared to lose?

Maybe it's the thing that I go into every relationship with the thought that I will spend all my life with them, not thinking about break up was even an option. A childish thought maybe for this century, but I think it's that what makes a difference between the Dreamy-relationships I have & the Down-to-reality-relationships other have.

Maybe I was trying to prolong the relationships because I couldn't admit to myself that a guy can't possibly fall in love with me as much as I wish him to? That he maybe WOULDN'T do anything to keep me? It's a selfish thought I know, in a world where women desire emancipation from men, they still wanna be treaten as princesses and treated out to romantic lunches. That's what we have from all the feminism. Guys r no longer knights in shining armors and girls r no longer princesess from birth. So is it our fault? 10-20 years ago people were marrying at the age of 20. Like my mom and my grandmom too. But nowadays girls don't hurry into marriage anymore? Or do they? I think its very split now. One of my friends is marrying next summer. She's younger than me and the guy is 27...After 1 year of dating he proposed to her and their marrying. I guess there r couples who KNOW they want to spend the rest of their lifes together after just a couple of months? Yet I was dating half a year and I can't even get the feeling that I'm loved. Is there something wrong with me? Or is it the guys nowdays? Maybe I'm just too unlucky? Or is it wrong to go into the relationship and act as there won't be anyone else ever again?

Starting to feel like there is no pattern in what I'm writting, but thats probably because I can't sort my thought's properly. Thing's r just randomly crossing my mind so I'm writting them out. Still a bit confused if the last break up was due to happen or if not. But one thing I know that if the relationship only lived on me feeling that I'm sacrificing everything I wanted and desired, then there was smth wrong. (I wonder how many girls r willing to date a guy that can't express himself into words OR actions? Who can't say anything more than a mild I Love You. Who lied to them to keep them, even if they were unhappy the way thing's were. Like that they would still have some faith, but that would just end crushed as soon as the truth woul come out.)Nor did I really felt loved nor was I head over heels in love. Just as he would never act as I was the one, I never started to act as if he would be the one. Why dedicate urself to someone who is too scared to dedicate himself to you? It's a one way road that would end really sad. It's me who kept the feelings low, exactly because of this. Like this I at least won't be too hurt by his selfish and stubborn behaviour. No more at least. Now it's time to find someone who will love me MORE THAN HE LOVED HIMSELF & think about me MORE than he thought about himself.

I wonder when life has before this complicated. Now that I think about it I used to be the MOST optimistic and MOST cheerfull kid ever. Never bored either, now I find myself to be too lazy to even do smth against the boredness. I'm not optimistic or cheerfull anymore, at most I'm a realist and having a not bad day. And even at those days my mood is easily shattered. I was thinking what is the reason that I'm so unhappy.

1. There is no reason to be happy...that's exactly what a pesimist like me would say, truth be told you shouldn't be needing a reason to be happy at all. The fact you wake up each morning & not live your life with pain, should be enough to be happy about. Yet I can't summon the strenght for this. Feels like I need something or someone to make me happy, but that doesn't last more than a few hours...

2. My relationship has never been rly normal, but it's been almost 7months. In 2 days. Yet I don't feel happy at all. Nor do I feel loved at all. I kind of know he in fact loves me, yet I don't feel loved. That's not my fault is it? He knows I don't feel happy or loved, he knows I need him to act more sweet and caring towards me to feel loved. We talked many times about it. Yet nothing happened in the past 7months. I really feel like he just doesn't care any further than it involves him. I think he would only start to act when I see break up as the only solution. And even then he will only make promises, about which he will forget later. Doesn't a girl always want to feel loved, cared about and protected? I can't say I feel either one of those things. Nor do I feel loved even if I know he does. Not cared about, but in this case I don't even believe he cares. And protected...complete fail. He's just not the type. Have to take care of myself myself. Also I always feel on the loosing side. And that he always gets his way in everything. It makes me think hes stubborn, selfish and egocentric. Each time I gave in, I did a mistake. I wanted to disappear so many times, just to see his reaction, to make him miss me and worship the time with me more, to see if he cares for me and loves me. I couldn't find the strenght for it. I went to sleep with my mind set on not appearing in front of him for at least 3 days, but when I woke up, I never could hold onto it for more than few hours. It's also very trying to try to keep a low profile, without changing ur daily routine completely, which for me is impossible to do. I feel rly confused and undecisive. I know there are only 3 solutions.

1. Break up and somehow get my life going, without thinking that I'm worthless and unloved.

2. Not break up and pretend that I'm OK, or FORCE myself to be OK. But that's not how I want my relationship to be. That would be just a facade I would put on. In fact IM NOT OK AT ALL. I feel horribly depressed, sad & unfairly treated. Why doesn't he care more about me? Enough to make me happy, instead of just keeping me for his own greed without caring about how I feel in the relationship. Why why...?

3. Not break up and continue my life as it is now...one day ok, one day angry & another day feeling rly helpless & sad...Putting on a facade for when he is visiting. Cuz I can imagine how the atmosphere would be awkward if I suddenly blurted out all I don't like about this relationship.



I didn't use to be like this. I used to only fall for the guys who I felt really loved from. I basically dedicated all my life to them, I did anything for them, I loved them more than anything at that moment. Passionate love and commitment is what you call it. But I still had enough brain left to know when the guy would be no good for me anymore. When he wasn't treating me good or when I didn't find that he could give me anymore. Then I simply broke up. With pride. And life went on without me being sad for more than a few days, maybe a week. Then I found someone else, cuz truth be told, it's not like I don't attract men ^^ I'm funny, caring, i can love someone passionately, give them everything they desire, yet you don't want to get on my bad side, cuz then you would wish to be rather in hell than face my wrath. I wont say I'm too beautifull. I'm not. I'm normal, yet I know how to present myself and I always show myself from my best side & take care of myself. I'm not ugly really.

But since almost a year I'm not rly that girl anymore. I'm not confident about myself anymore. I was lied to from my boyfriend's, I was treated badly, I didn't get the amount of love and affection that I deserve. I was black mailed and was forced to betray & cheat. I feel bad about myself a lot lately.

I have reached a point where I'm only truly desperate. I don't feel loved, cared and protected. I can't be happy in a relationship without that. I would wish for my boyfriend to change, to take me and my feelings more into consideration. Yet I know it won't happen & that people should never change themselves, cuz of anyone. Also if he would change, I would only ask myself 'Why now, why so late, when I already reached the deepest point of unhappyness and desperation.' I'm not sure if I love him that much, I only know I care about him more than myself. I don't wanna give up on the things I want anymore. I wish I still were a little more selfish, selfish enough to only think about myself and what's good for me for at least a while. But truth is I'm just a sad lonely girl, who can't be happy on her own, so she needs desperately someone to delived happyness to her. It's sad. It's depressing. It's not how I want to be. What to do?...

I can't decide. Since months. I wish someone would take this burden off of me. I wish he would change. I miss Love.

Again haven't posted in a while, the last days I didn't rly get a lot of online time to keep this blog updated. Either I was out all days long with my boyfriend or I was simply too tired and lazy to write an essay here. Dunnoe if it's only me? But the early winter this year sure makes me feel very tired, lazy and worn out even after sleeping 11hours and pretty much not doing anything all day long. It's only the begin of november and it's already snowing in some parts of Slovakia. And yesterday I seriously listened to the song Last Christmas by As One...I think that alone says enough. That also reminds me that it's getting close to the end of the year 2oo9 & after opening my planning diary (which is almost always empty the last days), I realise I haven't done anything special in the past weeks if not months. =/ Should start moving again really, why does the time always pass so fast when you want it to go slower and vice versa. It's almost half term time for my far school studium and I haven't even started properly learning yet. It's almost my 20th Bday and things r still crap in my life. Almost year 2o1o and I still need to find a job...I wanted to do so much in the year of 2oo9 and haven't managed almost anything. Sigh damn me for being one of those ppl that don't start moving until they RLY REALLY have to. Or until someone else serves it for them half done on a silver plate. In any case I think I start writting things into my planning diary again, somewhat I seem to stick more to it when it's written in front of me than if I only keep it in my head.