Good evening. Once again have nothing else to do. And seriously not in mood right now. Not even Michal is online so I can help him with the absinth again. Finishing the vodka will have to do for tonight... Ah where did my optimism go... probably drowned somewhere between looking at pictures and reading old diary. And memories. Sigh bleh I forgot how disgusting pure alcohol is. Sigh long after sunset I don't feel the need for forcing myself to be happy. I rather just finaly goddamn cry again and curl in bed. I'm not gonna think anything out anyway. No matter how long I think if I should get over or keep persuading him. There is just no way out of this situation =| I be either way unhappy. It's really pissing me off. From what he looked before I made what he looks like now. Piece by piece. And that awfull ex-gf of his. It's really utterly depressing that THAT woman got accepted and I don't... Why the hell do these things happen to me? Who did I do so wrong that people keep hurting me...It's all just too depressing. I don't know why I want him so much when he doesn't have the characteristics I always wanted my bfs to have. The things I liked about his personality are a double side blade. They apply to the person closest to him at the moment. Just wish to die eh...

Good morning blog, at work again. At least not too depressed but... I wish I could decide easier sigh. Yesterday had another conversation with Fan, they will be never ending. I just can't decide if I should keep pushing him to stay with me or if I should try to forget about him, or if I should stay close friends with him with calling, visiting, webcamming and all or... Just too many options to choose between sigh. Even today I will repeat myself, I don't want to break up... not now out of all times sigh. Hmm...so much I went through with him, I don't think I want to loose contact but I'm scared that I won't get over him, that I will always have hopes that he will come back to me or the worst scenario possible... that I be there when he gets another girlfriend, the perfect daughter in law for his mother. Will prolly die out of jealousy and unfairness sigh. But even through all the reasons above, I guess I can't afford to break contact anyway. But if he does...? I remember that letter he sent me there was "that's why I wouldn't like to see you disappear from my life" = I guess starting from today I will just wish to be at peace however he decides. But it hurts so much sigh. Especially since I can't cry anymore, I can't get rid of the pain eh...how horrible sigh. I wish I could just cry it out god I tried the past days and yesterday again, but can't manage. Just have to store the pain until it's enough to be able to cry again or try very very hard to just be happy since summer started. Why does everyone always have to betray me?...Why does it have to be me to be loosing people important to me? I feel like in the middle of some drama movie. Some force really wants me to either really break down or to become really strong. I am to chose which one from those.