Thinking

Hi dear blog, for once not at work. Althrough I wish I were. It's dangerous when I'm at home alone and Fan's not there. So many crazy thing's start going through my mind. I guess alcohol got me through friday night and the hang-over sleep-out got me through saturday day.

Actually already friday was pretty bad. I was pretty devastated and lost in thoughts. I didn't think it's that obvious until everyone asked me what's wrong, and that I look like a ghost and walk around like I had no soul(Not to mention I bought myself coffee during my lunch break and went out to sit alone on the bench in front of the building in the blasting wind just to stare in the sky and think...)...I'm thankfull for finding friend's at work, I really am. I was very surprised that I actually got presents for my Name Day from them as well :) That cheered me up a little. My social life is better than ever before, but that's not enough for me.

I wonder if I'm too extreme, actually I know I am, have been told enough times by Fan as well. I love too much, I hate too much, when I'm sad then I'm REALLY sad and when I'm happy then I have this radiance, I live on extremes. I just talk random.

I have been thinking nonstop about my relationship the past 2 days. When I talked to Chung and mentioned I might move he said 'that's over the top'. When I talked to Amy and said I might learn chinese if I stay with Fan she asked 'Only because of him?' and seemed quite insulted on my reply 'Why else' and said 'For your own knowledge and when u want to visit China'.

I have been thinking if my reaction to Fan not being able to tell his parents was appropriate. Wouldn't it be a lot less drama if I just didn't want him to tell them? Could we enjoy a nice relationship if his mom didn't get a chance to judge over me? But then I stay stuck on this one point in a relationship where we can't move forward cause any next step would require her acceptance of me. Maybe it would be okay like that? Just keep it a drama-less long distance relationship like this for another year or two, then when he has to find a girl to marry break up? Would I be able to do that? I remembered I was scared of this from begin. I wonder when I forgot about this feeling, that we're not from the same social backgrounds. When I talked to my ex-bf about this, just for the asian insight ( I never ever talked about my private life with this guy, cause our friendship works just on the non private level), he said that when you want to introduce to your parents it means it's getting serious. That moms always ask about education,age,parents,where she's from...everything wrong already. That she would at least want a daughter in law that she doesn't have to be ashamed of. Since when did I become someone to be ashamed of? If something then it's my school. I should be ashamed I dropped out of schools and I am, but I don't see why I should be ashamed for where I come from or what my parent's are like or my age. If something I dare to say I could give her grandchildren she definitely won't need to be ashamed of. And no Chung only cause we met over internet it doesn't mean I go after his money, I don't. I dare to say I would be a good wife, maybe one of the asian sort, that seem to die out in europe? The kind of wife that doesn't mind cooking for her husband and cleaning up and caring for his well being, and someday children. Europe women are known for wanting their men to help them cook and do house chores and take care of the children as well. As far as I remember I always cooked myself, cause it's something I wanted to prepare myself, for him. Ok I remember I let him do the dishwasher, simply cause I couldn't operate that evil thing from begin, but when I found out I did the dishwasher myself as well. When he's been staying in Slovakia for a bit longer than he planned and had to had his clothes washed I did wash them, I let them dry and I ironed them before putting them together neatly. So in what aspects would I be a daughter in law that she has to be ashamed of? I haven't poisoned him with my cooking yet either! China is a lot more strict than Europe sigh.

Maybe I should just find a slovak boyfriend? All the slovak moms loved me cause I don't smoke, don't excesively drink, am polite to elders and seem like a lady. Guess slovak moms have lower standards? I never thought I could be this low in someones eyes.

How high are the chances that she won't actually stample me as denied the moment he tells her or the moment she meets me and I won't act like a chinese girl? It will require me to speak chinese and him to know at least some basic slovak. What would the wedding be like? English? My parent's don't speak english. Chinese? I don't speak chinese. Slovak? My 'husband' doesn't speak slovak. Now this doesn't mean I plan a wedding yet or a future. I have been told that asian's don't date casually, but for the sake of marrying. I actually don't think I'm so much different, when confronted with it. I can't maintain feelings towards a person with which I know I can't have a future even if things worked out perfectly with us.

Maybe it would be for the best if I just called it a game over and disappeared? It's so complicated for everyone. I liked the idea of getting through all the hardships and problems, that is until I found out how much pain and sadness it includes, along with helplessness. Even tho I have been lying in bed with my teddy relying in the scent of his perfume and thinking that it's just 2 more weeks till I see him. But then it's 2 days and another month to wait. Are those 2-3 days a month worth so much pain and trouble for everyone? But not counting the real life time we spend together it's almost 2 years since we know each other and spend almost every single day talking together.

I really don't know if I should nourish the relationship for any longer. It will be awfull pain when his mom says no, and I'm not sure I want to get in the way of his family cause family means a lot to him. But then again, I just want to see him...

I also wonder when I learned to express my feelings towards him, I was always unable to do so for over a year long of time, simply cause he couldn't and I thought it would be unappropriate.

BBye