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Sigh have ditched my blog for weeks again...Guess I was delusional to even imagine it will be fun for me to post every single day as my life is so uneventfull. But also was busy with other things like my 'boyfriend' visiting, learning, cleaning and tagging. Maybe I be less busy the next days...no boyfriend visits and prolly also not that much tagging as I won't have any opportunities the next days.

But hmm...I'm being miserable again -.- This morning I was in such a good mood cuz I discovered about these cute dresses I could have only until my boyfriend ruined my fun again by saying how it would take at least 6months to get there & how time consuming it is. I get it Fan YOU just don't wanna help me with this as well so you're trying to make me give up on it with ur stupid talk. Talking of being supportive and helpfull. Yea right...You're already horrified that you actually have to help me with hearts, now you don't wish this to me either. Nice boyfriend I have there.

Don't wanna spend time helping me I see. Don't even wanna talk to me when you have a good excuse why not to do so. Like this wednesday you did a good job ignoring me 2 and half hours -.- Then you really don't need to wonder that I ignore you the next 2hours as well. Today as well, don't wanna talk to me then I won't bother you.

But I feel ashamed for having to do things like this. And I prolly wouldn't tell anyone how things rly are if they asked me. I'm at the end with my wisdom -.- About what to do to make things work out. I don't wanna act as a girl I'm not, just for things to work. If they never worked in the first place what am I even trying for. Yesterday I received another message from my ex. I won't lie, even tho I guess my bf might read this as soon as tomorrow morning. But it kinda made me high -.- the thing's my ex writtes & I realised I very rarely if ever feel that way about what my boyfriend does. Also I broke the rules and replied that SMS. I found it rude to begin with that I had to ignore his smses for 2 months, even tho I obediently did it. Now I know I would kill my boyfriend for writting sms with his ex. I also never wanted to get close to Ryan again. But after 7months I feel.....really tired and drained >< I don't feel like this is the time when I had a long lasting relationship. I'm not happy at all! But who cares...not him, altho I know he will be saying he cares, but I don't care he says that, I don't believe that. If he would care I'm sure things would be a lot different. Also I exchanged a few SMSES with Ryan. I'm not sure if I feel so high about it at this point, few hours later. But before I did and I guess that's all that matters. Loosing hope in this relationship, or better said I can't carry on being like this. Might just as well get back in contact with the ppl I shoo-ed away for Fan. Fan said himself I'm suffocating him with attention seeking. Will direct my attention in different ways in this case. It's sad. It's depressing. It's not how I imagined any of my relationship ever would be. Guess that's why I should break up for real. But I guess I know I won't really, & if I will we might make up in a weak moment and then The Hell starts from begin. I remembered also that Ryan has big flaws as well. Everyone has flaws. But I assume it's a matter of if the person posseses what you seek for in a relationship, then you learn to ignore the flaws willingly, and althrough you prolly will still argue over them, the times when you're high from love makes up for it. That's how my previous relationship have been. Till I did a big mistake...for which I hated myself for months. I learned to forgive myself for what I have done, but it sure brought me down on a level I never imagined I could achieve. Sigh. I'm not proud of going against my promise that I won't reply to Ryan. But I'm also not proud of you Fan, that you made me go this far. By now I know things will never change between us. You won't change and I don't wanna act as someone I'm not just to maintain things. I have been unhappy for so long I can't even recall how I could slip into being this kind of depressive person. The thought crossed my mind if I would want to return to Ryan if I broke up. I'm like some kind of saddist. I know his attention would heal me for a period of time, but in the long term I wouldn't get anywhere. Yet I still seek for the same kind of attention and affection I would get from him. I really have to be the worst, I can imagine reading this hurts the guy I really care about, that's why I in the end gave in so many times and accepted his secrets. But I wonder if neither of those two guys can help me in long term...The only option I have left is to learn to love myself first, and not put my happyness into the hands of someone else. I thought Fan would give me happyness, but he can't. The only thing that trully brings happyness is love. From friends, from yourself and your boyfriend. But as I receive no love from my friends, nor do I love myself and I also don't feel loved and cared about by him. I feel like I fell into a deep black hole.....kinda can't find my way out. By now after all I wrote I feel even more extremely depressed about my life -.- But yea the aknowledgment that the only true undying source of love for myself IS myself is a bit...not what I wish for...maybe I'm an old fashioned stupid naive romantic that I kinda wish I could put my happyness into the hands of someone else. For being alive I feel kinda dead...and althrough I went past the time when I thought about suicide...I wonder, if that's the easiest way of making all of this stop.

Will be a happy FCKING B-Day and a happy FCKING X-mas + a happy FCKING New Year... yay..