Ok...I'll just keep writting more... or I'm gonna die right this moment. Shouldn't put on this dress, or read those smses, look at those pictures, go to his Facebook account, or read those smses... or use that coffee syrup that I brough to work especially for times like this.

So... too late to undo those things, already feel way too miserable. There should be a pill for this as well. Just as aspiring cures headache, I want a pill that cures heartache.

Hmm... I wonder why I insist so much on not separating. Generally, when people would ask you what kind of guy you would want to date, I would say: 1. Funny 2.Caring 3.Someone who wants to spend all their time with me. 4.Charismatic

I'm not sure if he's any of those things, well funny...he can manage, even with his british humour. Caring, to the person thats closest. If there is a cleaning lady next to him, he would risk being late for a date with me, just so that he doesn't have to rush her. Charismatic? Ha ha ha... Someone who wants to spend all their time with me? ... Noooooot really, no... Even if he had that time, he wouldn't necesarrily spend more time with me only, but would put it between family and friends as well so...

So why? 1.Maybe cause I feel like I made him who he is, the whole appearance he has now, that I like. From hair, to clothes, to the perfumes and contact lenses (even tho he looks just as attractive with glasses on now that he has normal hair cut..). It's a mistake that I own that Chanel perfume and hair spray. I'm really addicted to smells. Smelling those two really doens't do me well. Way too many memories.

2.Cause I put so so so SO much effort into maintaining this relationship and God knows it's been hard on me and I CAN'T just toss it all away like that, not after that much effort I put into maintaining it...I mean I had to learn so many things like stop pushing him cause of Audition. One of the reasons why I so obediently quit, except for work, is cause it's been creating problems and voala... we had a more peacefull relationship right away. I had to learn to not nag all the time about how much time he spends with me and not get angry when he has to be somewhere else or want's to go out with friends. I'm still working on that one...never fully mastered not getting angry or sad over how little time we had.

3.Cause we been all over Bratislava and in my house as well, on the staircase and even downstairs. I can't go anywhere without memories popping up! Like literally nowhere! Not in my bathroom, or kitchen, or my room, or living room...not even with the dog in park cause I always remember how sweet I thought it was when he was running with the dog. I can't open the door downstairs because that's where we were always parting. I can't be going to Coffee&Co cause thats the place we first met and we sat practically EVERYWHERE. Even in the Coffee&Co under Michael's Gate. Oh and I still remember where we sat the first time he came over to see me. I also remember that he actually had chocolate and not coffee. I can't go to DM cause I've been shopping there with him, nor Tesco or Billa or Aupark or Polus, Eurovea....Not even to work...cause I remember that he escorted me to work one morning and then he also waited me before work with that Frappeso in hand. I can't go to Donau, I can't go under the Michael's gate, I can't go anywhere really.

4.Cause we have quite a history. It's been almost 2 years and a lot lot lot has happened... From when I got to know him, to how I always smsed with him about my problems, how we talked long into night, played audition, have webcammed, how he helped me with my old blog page, how he created that page for my perfume countdown, how he send me that letter when I didn't talk to him for 3 weeks, how we met, how we broke up numerous times and got back together cause it couldn't be any other way. Even when his lies started to come on surface, I thought with each thing that 'if we got through this, then we will manage everything'. Also he told me about his secrets and his health condition. In other words...just way too much to ever break contact just like that.

5. Cause I loved the feeling when I was sleeping and his arm would be around my tummy and holding my hand. That's a chapter itself..................This is what I could cry cry cry and CRY about the most. Gonna miss this forever the most eh...

6. And maybe cause I thought that I won't need to find another guy. Also don't want to. Even if it wasn't the most harmonic relationship all along. It's the one that taught me the most. How to not be selfish and how to be patient... The one I put everything in to keep it going. And no one can return that effort and time to me, or replace it. It's prolly the scariest thing ever for a man to hear, when a girl says that she didn't plan on finding another boyfriend, ever.

Well...those are my reasons. They won't change. They were the same last week, they are the same today and they will be the same always. Funnily enough I feel a bit more relieved after writting it down. Still it's painfull and gonna be again tomorrow.

Morning... Hmm... Things are slowly starting to take shape = Can't say I like the way things will be. Geez I hate waking up in the morning with that stupid feeling that I miss him, then I'm fine at work, then I get home and unless I start MSN I will get really abstinential feelings lol. I guess one year of relationship isn't as easily forgotten as my 3months long relationships... I remember that when I broke up with my last boyfriend that I wasn't feeling anything at all, except relief cause he's been really suffocating me with attention. Lol now that would be exactly the thing I want. Ok but maybe not that much that I don't even have time to make my manicure. Bleh... I don't mind how my days already are...but the mornings. Starting each day like that is more than depressing, no wonder I have been always asking him to come back with me in the mornings and then during the day calmed down and by night I was somewhere else. Hmm... sigh. I hate my life. I have to find something to occupy myself fully with. Like starting to be obsessed with anime again or fanfiction or audition... just something to get my mind off this feeling. There is really no way around starting to play audition again or watch excessive amount of animes.

Hmm that guy doesn't care at all. He's so determined to get over me and not show any sadness or anything and refusing to get back together... It just makes me feel like he didn't want to be with me to begin with, no matter how it would end with his mother. How can someone be so coldhearted eh? That he can just cut off everything from one day to another, I was calling with him more times a week, we were webcamming each evening, smsing in bed... all of it gone within one night... Sigh, I don't have the strenght to deal with this anymore... 2 weeks have been enough. Even when he himself tells me that his views of the future are that we talk less and less till not at all... Then why did he insist on staying friends. Should have deleted me and blocked me and who knows what... Then I at least would know what I'm at to begin with. Sigh... I can't anymore. Just kill me, even worse since the weather is so beautifull.... Won't go to the botanical garden anymore... also not sunbath... also won't have him come over when my parents leave to grandma... nothing. That's what I get for loving him.