Hi again dear blog...once more today. Shouldn't, but will go crazy if I don't do something. I want to sleep some more, more than just 7-10pm, best would be if I just don't have to wake up anymore. I underestimated this, cause just that vodka isn't gonna cure the pain, nor numb me enough. Surely I can try harder, just prefer for this to not end up in me throwing up all that alcohol again, or am I that pitifull already... Maybe I am since I'm getting close to half a bottle of vodka in one evening with breaks in between lol. It does help usually it helped when I ditched Ryan, why not anymore now. Sigh. I wonder how much of this a person has to drink to get alcohol poisoning as well. I guess that depends on the size of the individual as well. But then again I would say that the pain equalls to the severity of the betrayal you experience, judging after that no one ever mistreated me like this, I shouldn't be that surprised that half a bottle vodka, 4 days of crying, 4 work days spent starring dumb into the distance and 4 days of lying to myself that I don't need him also don't help. How much more do I have to go through? What did I do to everyone that I always end up like this. If I were 14 and still played audition, by now I would have at least a new couple if not a new boyfriend already. But I don’t want to anymore, I do want to have a new boyfriend but I also don’t wan no other. What a cruel twist of fate, the more I put into the relationship the more betrayed I get. Dany did it clever, maybe only a near death experience shows you that ur worth more than that. Either that or you really have the guts and kill yourself. Which is better when you feel like there is nothing more ahead of you that's worth it? I don't want to anymore really. I put everything into that relationship, after always throwing away everything good I had in the past, why doesn't it work out even now...I wonder if you become faster numb if you torture yourself more from the very beginning, with pictures and memories and all the things you have. If you purposely hurt yourself will it get you through the process faster? Or physical pain? Don't even need to cut arms anymore really I think heart pain is physical enough or? Running out of strawberry juice lol soon I can just drink pure vodka Lol. Something changed, I was breaking up with so many guys and I never felt anything, I went straight on into the next relationship and when I saw their pain that was all the satisfaction I needed lol. I wish to be like that again. Rather hurt others than kill yourself for someone who is gonna backstab you in return. Everyone is just saying that it's ok that there is someone waiting who will back me up all the way to the end and be proud of me, but that doesn't help the present. It's a nice belief in the future but it doesn't cure the pain. I don't know what to do anymore really, I told him to not bother writting me and I'm not sure if that's good or not. If I break all contact the pain will she sharper but maybe shorter lived and if I keep writting with him I won't feel like I lost it all but the pain will be long lived and at some point in the future gonna get to me anyway, latest when he does find that perfect girl his mom will approve of and gonna be his turn to marry after all of his friends Lol. That woman... I wish she doesn't live. Then this wouldn't happen. Don't care how it sounds lol, bad stuck up people don't deserve to live. She knows nothing, she should just stick to her oh so great new husband and don't put her nose into my stuff. How I hate her. This reminds me I was only accepting him being a mommy boy with the belief that after how he treats his mom you can judge on how he will treat you in marriage. Guess THAT one doesn't work for mommy boys that are afraid of their mommies. A colleague said it's written in the Bible that a man is supposed to leave his mother to live in a perfect harmony with his wife lol. That's another part you gotta hate about china, they're all budhist or something like that lol. Ok you stupid vodka I'm still waiting for that state where everything is funny to me, I thought 38% is stronger than this! If that absinth wouldn't be so minty disgusting I should have taken it from him, since he didn't want it anymore. Hmmm I tried to make my blog sound happy the past weeks. I thought there is so much depressing thoughts, it's more like I only complain when I write into my diary or blog. So I put my hopes up high again, I tried to see things from a different angle and I tried to make my relationship seem like it's actually happy. I don't know if I was THAT happy with him, but I felt like I found my place. Now I'm kinda lost again. I wanted to do so much with him. I wanted to bake him another better cake for next years birthday, I wanted to learn to cook better as well chinese recipes too, I wanted to learn the language eventually to not be cut off from his family (when I didn't expect that they would judge over me like this), I wanted to go to botanical garden with him again when the trees are in full bloom at the early summer, I wanted to go sunbath, I wanted to repeat him staying at my place if my parents went to visit grandma again this year, I wanted to go visit London with him and eventually move, I wanted so much. I became happy when I build myself a perspective into the future with him. Now, I am here standing over my crushed future, everything I wanted and planned gone, no perspective, all alone and no one that can replace him. Amy would have said that I'm obsessed. Well how else do you define love if not obsession. I wonder, but guess I agree, I really am that low for not even having finished highschool yet. Well I'm sorry, I still don't see how it makes me a better or worser girlfriend. I hate his mother, I hate him as well, actually I hate everyone and everything. I can't even go out with a friend without thinking he has some other hidden thoughts as well or thinking that hes only calling me out cause his girlfriend is studying for exams and he doesn't want to be bored at home. I'm no replacement. And no one is a replacement. And I don't think that even after I wrote this much that it makes me feel any better or that I feel lighter after writting my thoughts down. I feel just as miserable as before I started writting this. I still keep looking at my MSN if he's online, even tho I clearly said to him today that he doesn't need to be bothered writting me & I can't get drunk enough to write him myself first. I prolly would even reply after I said I will ignore. I should just drop dead and then this is

FINALY

ALL

OVER!

Mooooorning :)))It's friday! Even tho I'm at work, the weather looks nice :3

Also yesterday I got quite surprised by my colleagues :) didn't know I have such good friends amongs them. Suddenly like going here more. Also the guy I know for 14 years know dragged me out to get different thoughts. And know that it helped, we went a bit around the city, then for coffee then to his house. I saw his mom after a very long long time again. Had some absinth at his place which I confirm is disgusting. Arranged for his brother to give me a discount on a pinkie pink small tiny cute laptop that he sells as well! Will see if I really buy it. Was at his place till 10:40pm lol then he drove me home :) Had shower, talked a bit with friends, has some strawberry juice vodka and went to sleep short after midnight. So it's been a surprisingly good day. Hope they stay like this :)

Buh Bye *loves*