I have been wondering how I became like this lately. But sometimes it's not really in you're hands to choose how you behave. You take a lot from the behaviour of the people around you and I have to say, there are people who will fish the worst out of youre behaviour. People who will be so selfish without their own noticing that you become the same, selfish without noticing it. I became a person like that and I hate it. Because it's not really me, I always think of the other people close to me first, but with this particular person I couldn't think of anyone else but myself lately. That's because that other person also didn't show they would think or care about me, that I became to think that I need to balance it out and become as selfish and self-oriented as them. And then there are people who will show you such selfless love that you throw urself away too and love them only, not thinking about urself at all. Such love can become very dangerous, when one of the people jump off the boat and the other continues, till she ruins and gives up they're own existence. But is it really better than those people who will always keep a back door open and make it more than clear that they have a life OUTSIDE of the relationship? A life that you're not part of and have nothing to say into. I guess it really depends on how the two people balance each other out. Personally I think love should make you a better person and not make you hate urself because you're becomming like the other person, whos attitude you hate so much as well.

I have been talking to Linda about this, about how it seems that two people would make a perfect match when they're friends and then they get together and find out they're not compatible at all. It's because, your expectations from a lover, a person who is supposed to be the closest to you and give you support and love, are far more higher then from a friend. You expect you're friend to ditch you from time to time to go out with her lover and you're happy for them, but you don't expect your lover to go out with his friends to get away from you and have air to breathe. There is also a point when you're no more happy for the friend either, because jealousy sets in that she gets to be with her boyfriend and he searches and adores her, while your boyfriend wants to get away from you. I almost ruined my friendship on this. So here we are, some people are just toxic for you. It can happen that some things about a friend you will love in a friendship, but loathe in a lovers relationship. Like my friend Linda, she is the kind of person like my now ex-boyfriend, she also wants to have space to breathe, and I'm kinda happy for that because her air to breathe is to spend time with her friends, and as i am her friend i like that. But I still feel sorry for her boyfriend, because he is like me, having a lover wanting air to breathe away from you is painfull, the one person who is supposed to be there for you, love you, adore you, worship you just wants to get rid of you from you as well at times. So to save at least one relationship, when it's not mine, I will become friend with her boyfriend again, so it's not just me and linda, or him and linda but both of us SOMETIMES and linda. I never had this option with my own relationship, it was always me or them.

I'm a bit scared of being alone now, but now when I get to see the big picture, I'm more scared of living in a relationship where I only act as a mean bitch and hate myself for it.