Good morning again on saturday. Yesterday been quite terrible with my stomach on water all day long unable to even drink tea in the morning. And headache not to forget. Really intoxicated from that awfull stuff I drank before. Lol Michal seriously thought I'm close to alcohol poisoning after drinking that much absinth on an empty stomach with my frame. Maybe I would be if I didn't vomit almost everything out again...What would I tell my boss if I missed a day of work cause I had to go hospital to get the alcohol out of my system lol. But then again...That's how long it mend my heart. One day while I was drinking it and one day while I was trying to survive through work without collapsing. When you hurt physically you don't hurt psychically. I guess that's how cutters see it. I cut my arm, then when my arm bleeds at least my heart stops to. It works lol. I don't know if it's a good thing to find these out or not. I'm the same by now lol, I do all of it intentionally. I drink more than I can take, sleep less than it takes to get rid of the alcohol and then kill my blood pressure with excessive amount of coffeeine. I feel like Ryan. Each time he was faking that he cut his arm. I became like that lol, also attention seeking. Well I put the alcohol away, also to be honest the bottle is pretty much empty by now anyway. And I sleep a lot recently. But now it hurts again lol. Maybe cause it's saturday, it's awesome weather outside. Oh yea it's saturday lol, that guy had that plane ticket for today. Two weeks ago where I was bugging him with when he visits me again. That also reminds me of that time before the last visit. When I thought that it's the last time we see each other as he was leaving for the airport. It still hurts that much, over and over again. Where one step forward, one song or one picture can make you cry really badly.

When I go home from work lol, crossing all the streets I get reminded how I ran under a car the day before Fan was comming the last time. Of course Monika, in dreamland and tired, with earphones listening to music. Why did that stupid person hit breaks lol, it would be all over by now. Each day I go home I wonder how it would be to just get it over with and die lol. It's like when I was a child, I was always imagining what dangers were hiding behind the corner and the worst possible scenarios and how to avoid them. Just now I wish they would happen and get it over with me. Just part of growing up and evolving. Upon learning how miserable this world is you care less with each day. Also upon learning that my best friend, a guy I know for 14 years has a gun in his car... without a licence of course. =| Well I got a back up plan if I really one day get tired of life lol.