Dear blog, this morning I was uninspired of what to write. But this afternoon I met up with Klaudia and we had an interesting talk. Of how both of us have it hard in life and are both drained and depressed. And in that very moment sitting in the park and talking like adults for the first time I felt at peace. That I'm not the only one having it hard. We both have different kind of things that bother us, but also things that we have in common. Her family and friends are giving her a hard time just as my family and my friends/ex-bf are giving me a hard time. She sees no sense in life just as I don't. I know I said that I feel happy there for the moment, peacefull in the park just enjoying summer and talking. Until I go home again and wonder if he comes online and when he comes online and what he tells me and what he doesn't tell me. Klaudia said that it's cause I feel lonely that I so put my hopes on this one guy and that I should take a break from him. When I told her that you can be whatever you want to be, we both came to the conclusion that it is possible but it's harder to set your mind on it when life gets gradually harder for you. Maybe we both need those psychiatrists and maybe we just need someone who is going through the same. All in all she feels lonely just as I do. We have both been betrayed by people close to us. We have both been drinking alone. She also tries to pretend that everything is fine to everyone just as I do.

All I can say to my defense is that I wished to be loved and not alone. To be going out with my boyfriend to park, cinema, for coffee... all those boring things, that's all I wanted, but maybe more than once in a month... Bringing it to such heights as promising that I will move, that I'll learn chinese, that I will finish school so that persons mom is happy with me. I would do it, but I would feel more lonely than ever cause I would feel that I do so much for the other person and he doesn't do the same for me. Still I wish that person would change their mind and stay with me, but I don't know if I would be able to trust him again. To sum it up, I'm running in a circle. There is still a thin line that separates me from severe depressions. I know I'm quite deep already, all those magazines and things I read, got most of the symptoms, but that's good. The first step is always to realise. Hope sunshine can help me through.