Sigh...

Sigh...G'morning, Moni is at blogging again, altho not sure I have something to write today, or something good at least, so don't know if I should restrain from it or not.

I wonder what's gonna happen with us, maybe it's just me so uncertain? Even through my better judgment I got angry yesterday again, or let's say upset. It started with me, actually I just wanted to share my info of what I found out from my friends about moving to London and other stuff. Not too good news, so maybe that enhanced the whole bad situation, when I didn't get the reply I expected, or let's say I got no reply at all. It's like the other person is not interested in the conversation when she just doesn't reply to it. But honestly speaking, it's been all just crap. Not replying what I wanted and telling me he won't be there over the weekend cause he has to help at his stepdad's house. None of that is really the reason I got angry. I feel like a ticking time bomb, waiting if something happens or not. And when nothing happens, which means I feel like my time and effort is being wasted again, I explode. Over nothing in particular, like not looking at the window for a moment. He could have yawned with his mouth open and even that would make me angry. Cause that's not the reason.

The past few days have been really nice. I liked my relationship suddenly and felt in love again. Maybe scared of losing it? And going back to how I felt over the last weekend? I don't wanna repeat that feeling again. It's been truly the most awfull I've felt in years. Because it wasn't my fault. I could put up with being scared that my parents kill me when I got into problems, cause I had to deal with what I ruined. But when you haven't been the person who ruined it and the whole fate of the thing isn't in your hands, when you can't change anything. Just this really helpless and hopeless feeling, is what's worst.

I know I said I will wait and I will, but that doesn't prevent the emotional outburst when it comes all down on me on some days. And especially when it's such a day, with my luck, there is no one to give me any security or support. Especially on such days he has at least a week ahead planned so that he's busy and I end up alone with it. If it were me, I would bring it behind me with the bad talk, so I have the whole pressure lifted from me already, and not run around with it for unnecesary long. Especially when it upsets other people more than me and gives me awfully guilty feelings. What's the point of prolonging the misery? Everyone just suffers unnecesary with a smile on their face. I don't feel like waiting till I get another emotional break down and end up on antidepressants like my mother. I love him but something has to happen soon, to relieve some of the unsecurity I feel...

Bbye for today...

PS: Indeed a nice name day for me today...