Night sky

I decided to take a nice long walk with Black to get my thoughts sorted out and I glad I did, if cause of nothing else, then these two pictures I took.

They represent my mind. Dark cloud, clearing up sky & one single star. The clouds are our difficulties right now, just as the cloud I hope the clear up into a beautifull night sky. And that one star, that's the hope I hold. It's so small, but even on such a bad quality picture you can still notice it clearly shinning.

I did get my mind sorted out. As I was sitting there starring into the night sky, it all became suddenly peacefull. And even tho I don't know how long I can keep this feeling in my heart, I wish to keep it forever. It's calm, serene & subtle. And I still just want to be with you.

Sunday evening hmm... During day I kept myself busy with cleaning the whole house, now at night, it's time to slip into sweet not-awareness once again. I'm getting scared how fast that bottle is disappearing. I confirm I never drank this much alcohol continuously day after day, 4 days in a row. What I don't like is that I seem to learn to take my alcohol and be able to drink more and not get drunk. Which I don't like again. I liked the fact that I was dead and gone after 1-2 glasses...Maybe I should drink more pure and stop mixing so much. My stomach isn't agreeying with my alcohol since yesterday neither zzz. Maybe it's cause I barely ate anything the past week. I don't dare to go weight myself again. But at least I'm getting a bit more stable I would say. I'm also starting to decide it seems. I'm not quite sure with what I flooded my blog the past two days...since I wasn't sober enough neither one of those days to really remember everything that has been going on in my head. Erm I wonder if it's safe to drink down pain killers with vodka coke lol. Kinda having a headache right now. I guess google can answer? How bad can it be when it's not antibiotics lol. Oh well I'll rather endure the headache than the thoughts that would cross my mind if I were sober lol. Still there were a few on my mind today as well. I'm really just too curious on what he actually told his mother about me and how much she had to say before he agreed on ditching me lol. Lol pancake said that even if the parents oppose, if the child refuses firmly they will have no other choice than accepting it lol, they don't want to loose children or possibly never see their grandchildren. I kind of think that that's very true. Note: Pancake IS chinese. But yea, I also thought about if I would want to be with him if his mom changed his mind or if he changed his mind. Not sure about that, but I guess I'm slowly accepting the fact that my past year has been wasted like this. What I know is that that guy has no balls at all, nor a mind of it's own and he would always be unable to support his girlfriend/wife. Also, I kind of spotted two guys at work who would be good candidates for next boyfriend. Well not in my team exactly, they're both working in the Main Central department o.o' But I guess it's not ideal yet, neither one of them. But maybe an option in the future, have enough time to check them out, even when I have to call them to have a customer transfered to Sales or CusCare. Not to mention the work communicator comming quite in handy for this kind of thing, at least I won't be bored tomorrow. Also, I found myself another school to attend which doesn't have classes on Mondays, but only once a trimester, during friday,saturday & sunday. I guess I can allow myself to take holidays four times a year on fridays. But holidays every monday are impossible. And I'm definitely not letting go of this job, it's been a tough time searching. I want to also see the principal, to see if money can get me as far as going through two years of studium in one year, or more. If nothing else then that monster mother of his at least did something good in rejecting me. Also I thought I would maybe take another language class again, now that I have money for it again. Maybe continue in french or just for fun start chinese. I don't know why, but thinking about studying another new language always get's me excited. Now that it's decided that I'm not going London in a year, at least not cause of Fan, I'm thinking about getting an appartement as well. But I guess I won't have the money for that so fast, when I also want to pay for school and language course. I guess when I find a boyfriend in Slovakia then we can both move in together, gonna be way easier than if I move out alone, even tho, actually I'm not sure if I want to move out alone at all. I'm quite a scary cat. But I also thought how it would be if I told him to not tell his mother, or to lie to her. He lied to her for a whole year anyway, what's the big deal. Or if she actually wouldn't be as much of a b***h as she is, and wouldn't instantly say no only cause I'm not asian and don't have university done yet. I'll definitely do university as well now, just to shove it in her face one day zzz. I HATE when people put me in a box! I think I start to be racist now! She is one, why shouldn't I be one as well, since she want to put me in a box so badly. :) I can hate anyone who's not slovak, or whos asian as well. I can hate people for no reason at all too. I can hate her for remarrying lol. I know, a good reason, just as good as not accepting me cause I don't have university done with 20. Even if I wouldn't skip even one year of high school I would only be in the first year of university now and 3 years ahead of me. It's not my fault that she has complexes that hes diploma wasn't accepted in UK and she can't be a surgeon in there lol. But most of all. Out of everyone. Actually nevermind. I hate only three people right now. Fan and his mother and that stupid bitch Helen. How the hell could it happen that she got accepted?! They really want ugly cheating grandchildren. There's nothing special about her at all, as much as I looked at her shes not the least bit attractive. And Fan said shes not fat Lol, well sorry, have a second glimpse darling -.-' But really, I hate his mother, more than anyone in this world, I will concentrate the hate on her. Cause she, out of all people, knows a hell of nothing about me and dares to judge me. Stupid old woman. And oh, I don't give a damn that you will be reading this eventually Fan, I have no respect towards your mother. End of discussion. And second most I hate my ex-bf now, this fucking whole relationship was HIS idea to begin with! He only fed me lies one whole year long, lied to everyone and everything around him, including his mother and me, to everyone. No wonder he never put any status that would even mention me on facebook, he was scared someone from his family members would read lOl. Jesus. Just die. ALL THREE OF YOU!

And again, really just blame the vodka I have nothing better to do than blog since I can't go to sleep before that feeling that I'll throw up goes away.

Was going through my diary just a moment ago lol and found so many interesting things written in here. I note everything that's important to me. Like some things Fan said | wrote to me lol. I can just laugh about how big of lies all of this is. Let's start here.

"When you close your eyes it's like curtains going down." Yes cheesy, I still wrote it down cause I found it sweet.

"I have yet to meet someone more pretty than you." Yes, you have but you won't. End of discussion.

And last but not least, something he told me the first time I escorted him to the airport back to London. "I have never loved anyone as much as I love you." I think, I just halucinated this part, cause it's one of the biggest lies someone ever told to me, along with 'everything is gonna be fine', it just won't. Dot.

Then there is this email he wrote to me, that made me feel better at that moment and I wrote it down to my diary as well so I always have it close if the needs comes to reread it.

"Hmm I understand what you are saying, I guess it was a big mistake to tell you so much in the past, but I suppose at the time we didn't expect a relationship to start between us;;; you shouldn't keep thinking that she did more though....althrough it wasn't a far relationship, there were still a lot of problems, we had arguments quite often, and she really can't compete with you. The fact is that it wasn't such a good relationship, its old history and you are the one I love now, so there is really no reason for you to be jealous of it and make comparisons."

She did more, no she can't compare with me, I did way more for you or let's say I did everything and I'm way way prettier than her. But oh my she studied Cambridge, makes her so much more than me doesn't it. No wonder you could introduce her to your mother but not me. Go to hell both of you. Oh and I highlighter the part I liked the most before. Sweet sweet lie you asshole.

Oh and last but not least, what I found in my diary is my new years resolutions for 2010. One of them was "Be a better girlfriend to my boyfriend." And oh god I was. I was the best, I forgave you every lie, everything you did wrong to me and loved you anyway. I put up with all the strange things you liked and didn't oppose to your weird taste on some things, I learned to accept that you put your friends above me and everything. I put so much effort in surprising you with things, especially your god damned birthday, I only went through that cause seeying you happy made me happy as well. Will never find better than me -.- Good luck in that.