Here we are again dear blog, you sure backstabbed me yesterday. This is why people write their diaries and not put their inner throughts on internet. You know you stupid blog, I know what I wrote in those previous posts and let's be honest you stupid blog, who was I kidding? Things are not so black and white as I would really like to make them seem. I'm not THAT okay as I would like to make it seem either. I got to swallow my own words yesterday, written by someone else and you know stupid blog, I didn't like that it took a few lines till I could feel my tears welling up and I didn't like that I actually really got to cry for 20minutes, when I read from someone else what I myself wrote. So you know stupid blog? You shouldn't know too much either, you backstab me stupid blog. I should replace you with a nice diary! But yea dear stupid blog, we both know that I made you because I WANTED ppl to read what I couldn't tell them myself. You were like a messenger for me. But Dear stupid blog, could you make the ppl read between the lines too? So that they read what both you and I know was really meant by what I wrote. We both know we're lonely and no one reads this. We also both know that only one person reads this, except you and me, and that to that person you do more harm than good. We shall go private right dear blog? Just you and me, and if I choose someone else from time to time.

So here I am again, only one day later & 4 days since I broke up with my last boyfriend & I have to say I'm feeling quite good lol, (except the school stuff haunting me while I was trying to sleep last night). This is probably my least painfull break up ever, even I'm surprised how smooth this is going. Probably because I pained enough in the relationship that it's all pretty numb now. Still I wish that guy to know how it feels to feel alone and then be told by your bf/gf that u're suffocating them, I really wish just that one to the person. Karma much? Well I won't wish anyone anything ill. Christmas came so early this year, to me it still feels like the last Christmas was only a month or two ago. And then when I think about how I wasted this year on being drunk, depressed, feeling lonely, being bitchy at my bf's...I feel really regretfull about this year. So sad how it passed. I never felt this bad about my life. So much hatred and sadness. Even yesterday I was thinking about how that guy didn't even make an attempt at saving our relationship, or at least regretting himself how awfully the relationship went and ended. But I guess it doesn't matter to me anymore. He shall go his way and personally...I think I deserve a loving boyfriend this year, after I have been throught so many unsuccesfull relationships. But I think this closes a chapter in my life. No more online or far relationships for me. I have been throught them both, one a bigger disaster than the other. I think I have drained all the possible optimism out of myself this year, and there is nothing more left. There for I hope in the year 2010, to please treat me better ^^ I have done a lot of awfull things in my life, I have been leaving my boyfriends for other boyfriends and breaking up relationships for every shallow reason, and karma has send me two long relationships. One with Ryan and second with Fan, both ending very sad. Both being very contradicting. Both of them hurting me a lot but both teaching me a lot about love. Love unconditionally, forgive as much as ur heart can bear, think about him more than you think about urself and hope for the best. Cry when ur sad, scream when ur angry and laugh when ur happy, or else you end like me. There goes my year full of regrets and I haven't done anything with it, I realise now but it's too late. Don't be sad without reasons only because you also have no reason to be happy. Always wish for the best because hope dies last.

Merry Christmas

I have been wondering how I became like this lately. But sometimes it's not really in you're hands to choose how you behave. You take a lot from the behaviour of the people around you and I have to say, there are people who will fish the worst out of youre behaviour. People who will be so selfish without their own noticing that you become the same, selfish without noticing it. I became a person like that and I hate it. Because it's not really me, I always think of the other people close to me first, but with this particular person I couldn't think of anyone else but myself lately. That's because that other person also didn't show they would think or care about me, that I became to think that I need to balance it out and become as selfish and self-oriented as them. And then there are people who will show you such selfless love that you throw urself away too and love them only, not thinking about urself at all. Such love can become very dangerous, when one of the people jump off the boat and the other continues, till she ruins and gives up they're own existence. But is it really better than those people who will always keep a back door open and make it more than clear that they have a life OUTSIDE of the relationship? A life that you're not part of and have nothing to say into. I guess it really depends on how the two people balance each other out. Personally I think love should make you a better person and not make you hate urself because you're becomming like the other person, whos attitude you hate so much as well.

I have been talking to Linda about this, about how it seems that two people would make a perfect match when they're friends and then they get together and find out they're not compatible at all. It's because, your expectations from a lover, a person who is supposed to be the closest to you and give you support and love, are far more higher then from a friend. You expect you're friend to ditch you from time to time to go out with her lover and you're happy for them, but you don't expect your lover to go out with his friends to get away from you and have air to breathe. There is also a point when you're no more happy for the friend either, because jealousy sets in that she gets to be with her boyfriend and he searches and adores her, while your boyfriend wants to get away from you. I almost ruined my friendship on this. So here we are, some people are just toxic for you. It can happen that some things about a friend you will love in a friendship, but loathe in a lovers relationship. Like my friend Linda, she is the kind of person like my now ex-boyfriend, she also wants to have space to breathe, and I'm kinda happy for that because her air to breathe is to spend time with her friends, and as i am her friend i like that. But I still feel sorry for her boyfriend, because he is like me, having a lover wanting air to breathe away from you is painfull, the one person who is supposed to be there for you, love you, adore you, worship you just wants to get rid of you from you as well at times. So to save at least one relationship, when it's not mine, I will become friend with her boyfriend again, so it's not just me and linda, or him and linda but both of us SOMETIMES and linda. I never had this option with my own relationship, it was always me or them.

I'm a bit scared of being alone now, but now when I get to see the big picture, I'm more scared of living in a relationship where I only act as a mean bitch and hate myself for it.

Did I mention in the previous posts that these will be an 'awesome' Birthday & an 'awesome' Christmas & an 'awesome' New Year? Well it sure will...For me anyways...Woke up again to my mom vomitting before work. It's been at least a few months since I first time woke up to that...When dad is at work and when she thinks I sleep...Woke up to it at least 5 times so far & who knows how many times I just overslept omg...

Sigh I just hope it's just her morning coffee that makes her stomach upset after waking up early Like mine gets upset if I drink some sort of strong coffees, but seriously omg what the fuck is this. Someone over 40 can't possibly develop eating disorders or can they...Shes not the type to take big care of herself or her figure. Where the hell is this family developing sigh, everyone in this family is disabled for gods sake -.- Dad's right arm still didn't heal even after 4 years, my mom seems to be getting eating disorders after getting help with her Bipolar Disorder ( Bipolar disorder, previously known as manic-depressive disorder, is a condition in which depressive phases alternate with periods of mania or hypomania.) & I'm having depressions and apathy since several months. I wonder who is the next person for whom I have to call ambulance.

Happy Fcking Holidays

Tak a teraz vidím čo mám z toho že zostávam s chlapom ktorému na mne očividne vôbec nezáleží. ^^ Posledné dni sa len hádame kvôli tomu že povedal že ho dusím a že chce chodiť viacej von s kamošmi a že aj keby povedal že spraví toto a toto o 2 dni, o týžden, o mesiac tak za mesiac tam aj tak som a znova by to bolo zle načasované.

Tento vzťah bol celý zle od začiatku. Ale tento krát vážne prekročil hranicu. Včera vstal neskoro a namiesto toho aby sa ponáhľal lebo si potreboval ešte vybaviť veci pred letom, radšej sedel doma na zadku a rosmýšlal ci vôbec chce prísť...Čo tam vôbec je o čom rozmýšlať? Odkedy ON nechce prísť za mnou? Vždy to bolo naopak, prečo zrazu teraz takto? Vraj lebo by to možno ešte viac skomplikovalo už aj tak komplikovanú situáciu ktorá nastala, kvôli všetkým tým hádkam. Tak potom prečo hovorí veci ktoré ma rania a kvôli ktorým sa hádame?

A nakoniec váhal tak dlho že aj keby sa rozhodol v tú sekundu že príde, už by to pravdepodobne nestihol na letisko na čas.....Neverím že vážne potrebuje premýšlať či navštívi na moje 20te narodeniny.................a 8mesačné výročie.......Ktoré sú okrem iného ešte aj v ten istý deň...Neverím. Nechápem. Vážne...Neplánujem s ním rozprávať...uvidím či s ním dnes ešte prehovorím, alebo zajtra alebo vôbec...Zatiaľ sa nebudem rozchádzať počkám ešte 1-3dni kým bude po mojich narodeninách. Ak vážne nepríde a nebude prosiť na kolenách tak končím. Je to smutné. Je to na krik a hádzanie porcelánom.

...

Sigh have ditched my blog for weeks again...Guess I was delusional to even imagine it will be fun for me to post every single day as my life is so uneventfull. But also was busy with other things like my 'boyfriend' visiting, learning, cleaning and tagging. Maybe I be less busy the next days...no boyfriend visits and prolly also not that much tagging as I won't have any opportunities the next days.

But hmm...I'm being miserable again -.- This morning I was in such a good mood cuz I discovered about these cute dresses I could have only until my boyfriend ruined my fun again by saying how it would take at least 6months to get there & how time consuming it is. I get it Fan YOU just don't wanna help me with this as well so you're trying to make me give up on it with ur stupid talk. Talking of being supportive and helpfull. Yea right...You're already horrified that you actually have to help me with hearts, now you don't wish this to me either. Nice boyfriend I have there.

Don't wanna spend time helping me I see. Don't even wanna talk to me when you have a good excuse why not to do so. Like this wednesday you did a good job ignoring me 2 and half hours -.- Then you really don't need to wonder that I ignore you the next 2hours as well. Today as well, don't wanna talk to me then I won't bother you.

But I feel ashamed for having to do things like this. And I prolly wouldn't tell anyone how things rly are if they asked me. I'm at the end with my wisdom -.- About what to do to make things work out. I don't wanna act as a girl I'm not, just for things to work. If they never worked in the first place what am I even trying for. Yesterday I received another message from my ex. I won't lie, even tho I guess my bf might read this as soon as tomorrow morning. But it kinda made me high -.- the thing's my ex writtes & I realised I very rarely if ever feel that way about what my boyfriend does. Also I broke the rules and replied that SMS. I found it rude to begin with that I had to ignore his smses for 2 months, even tho I obediently did it. Now I know I would kill my boyfriend for writting sms with his ex. I also never wanted to get close to Ryan again. But after 7months I feel.....really tired and drained >< I don't feel like this is the time when I had a long lasting relationship. I'm not happy at all! But who cares...not him, altho I know he will be saying he cares, but I don't care he says that, I don't believe that. If he would care I'm sure things would be a lot different. Also I exchanged a few SMSES with Ryan. I'm not sure if I feel so high about it at this point, few hours later. But before I did and I guess that's all that matters. Loosing hope in this relationship, or better said I can't carry on being like this. Might just as well get back in contact with the ppl I shoo-ed away for Fan. Fan said himself I'm suffocating him with attention seeking. Will direct my attention in different ways in this case. It's sad. It's depressing. It's not how I imagined any of my relationship ever would be. Guess that's why I should break up for real. But I guess I know I won't really, & if I will we might make up in a weak moment and then The Hell starts from begin. I remembered also that Ryan has big flaws as well. Everyone has flaws. But I assume it's a matter of if the person posseses what you seek for in a relationship, then you learn to ignore the flaws willingly, and althrough you prolly will still argue over them, the times when you're high from love makes up for it. That's how my previous relationship have been. Till I did a big mistake...for which I hated myself for months. I learned to forgive myself for what I have done, but it sure brought me down on a level I never imagined I could achieve. Sigh. I'm not proud of going against my promise that I won't reply to Ryan. But I'm also not proud of you Fan, that you made me go this far. By now I know things will never change between us. You won't change and I don't wanna act as someone I'm not just to maintain things. I have been unhappy for so long I can't even recall how I could slip into being this kind of depressive person. The thought crossed my mind if I would want to return to Ryan if I broke up. I'm like some kind of saddist. I know his attention would heal me for a period of time, but in the long term I wouldn't get anywhere. Yet I still seek for the same kind of attention and affection I would get from him. I really have to be the worst, I can imagine reading this hurts the guy I really care about, that's why I in the end gave in so many times and accepted his secrets. But I wonder if neither of those two guys can help me in long term...The only option I have left is to learn to love myself first, and not put my happyness into the hands of someone else. I thought Fan would give me happyness, but he can't. The only thing that trully brings happyness is love. From friends, from yourself and your boyfriend. But as I receive no love from my friends, nor do I love myself and I also don't feel loved and cared about by him. I feel like I fell into a deep black hole.....kinda can't find my way out. By now after all I wrote I feel even more extremely depressed about my life -.- But yea the aknowledgment that the only true undying source of love for myself IS myself is a bit...not what I wish for...maybe I'm an old fashioned stupid naive romantic that I kinda wish I could put my happyness into the hands of someone else. For being alive I feel kinda dead...and althrough I went past the time when I thought about suicide...I wonder, if that's the easiest way of making all of this stop.

Will be a happy FCKING B-Day and a happy FCKING X-mas + a happy FCKING New Year... yay..