Hi again blog blog... Hmm well I've been at work till 8pm. From 7pm till 8pm I got a visit from a colleague from the main central. Well he quit at 7pm and spend the time just talking to me there. Then after work we invited me for coffee, so I thought why not. And went to this pizzeria on Obchodna and talked... and talked. And then went on a walk under the Michael's gate and round around Tesco and back to Obchodna again. So I basically got home at 10pm sort of. But I really envy this guy. He has clear in everything, he's happy and in peace with everything. Believing in the greater good and karma, and that what you give to the universe will come back to you. Maybe it's a bit over the top, but it's the sort of thinking I would really like to have myself.

The little stupid confused me. Who changes mind every half second. I really do change mind in half a second. It's simply because... it's so complicated. There are so many choices, so many opportunities, so many possibilities... And neither one of them ends good. They're all painfull,sad and hard to get through with. I have been going through them all. Waiting for a wonder maybe? A wonder within myself, a wonder from outside. That maybe I will accept the situation as it is and wont be saddened by it, or won't be trying to manipulate things secretly or hoping for anything. But I can't. I just keep lying to everyone and to myself as well. It's not really lies, it's not the truth either. Or it's all true and partly lies? It's how I feel things for that moment. But it's so hard to keep any of those choices up. That's the reason why what I say often contradicts. I realise myself. I don't know myself which of those is the real truth. It's all true. It's all what I feel. My emotions are that complicated and contradicting. That's the important fact. They change by the second. I don't know what to do about it anymore. I can't settle my mind on anything. I need someone else to decide really, but I won't be happy with either decision the person makes. I go from wanting to stay close friends to wanting to kick him completely out of my life and I honestly want both.

But what I want most maybe, is that none of this would ever happen. But that's also not true, cause I also wanted all of this to happen. I just didn't want it to end maybe? Is it good when you through that much complicated pain? The time was nice, while it lasted. Or would you rather have it not happen at all, so you don't end up in this painless and complicated situation? But then you wouldn't have all the pretty stuff happening either. I'm just rambling for myself I think. Each time when I'm at the verge of tears, I write this much. Just to put it black on white, so maybe it would suddenly start making sense? Crying isn't really bad. But it's not often when I'm so angry with the world and myself, that it feels like someone is holding my throath and choking me. When I feel that I'm so angry that I can't speak. Yea I prolly can't get out a single word now if I tried to speak.

So back to topic... what's the ultimate truth Monika. Maybe you should answer yourself some questions. Let's try to answer some questions honestly then.

1.Why do you change your mind so often and can't settle on any decision?

2.Why did you really do, what you did in that park?

3. What is it that you really really want?

4.Why did you turn on your MSN, when only today you said you want to cut him out of your life and gonna delete MSN?

5.Why didn't you change your blog adress and let him read all these private thoughts of yours?

Answers:

1.Because I don't like either one option. Simple as that. I change my mind as I try out the options, see what works and what doesn't work. And honestly nothing works. It's all just trying to convince myself that it's fine the way it is, but it's not. Guess I live in denial.

2.Partly cause I wanted to test myself. See if it does something with me, see if I feel disgusted or good. To test the other persons determination and feelings as well. Partly cause I may still love him, althrough I don't feel hurt about the break up. I think my whole "I'm over you." was really only "I'm over the pain you caused me by the break up." It's been the same. It all felt the same as before, simply with the fact that I kept in my mind that we're not together. It was on my mind all that time. Maybe I did it cause I thought it would change something. Maybe I thought that it would move something inside of him? I also did it cause I missed the closeness. It's not the same from anyone else. It had to be him. He's the only person who's embrace would make me feel better for that moment at least. But all of this is so self-destructive. It felt good for the moment, it helped me to restore at least a bit of that emptiness. But now... I feel awfull. And I feel good at times. I thought so much that I overthought it.

3.I just wanted to have my little relationship. One that was far from perfect, but perfect by not being perfect. I put everything into it. Now that I put everything into it and got nothing back, I feel really drained. I feel that I want to have a relationship, but I don't dare to go into a relationship risking that I end this hurt again. So then again I don't want a relationship. I feel like I want to have friends, but on the other hand I feel like I can't trust anyone. So all the atempts, I just evade and stample them as superficial. So I want to have friends, but I sort of don't want to have anyone around me that can betray me again. Do I want that much? Friend's that won't betray me and love that won't only hurt?

4. Cause I'm naive and sort of believing that he changes his mind again? Even tho I don't want to go through all of this again. But I also want to, the same as I don't want to. Cause I'm weak and scared. After all there is a reason why he is the only person who is allowed to read all of this stuff I write here. I'm so scared of leaving for good. Cause if I figure out that this was a stupid idea, there might be no way back again. Ever. I'm scared that I cross the bridge and then it crumbles down and there is no way back for me. I just like to keep the backdoor open. Which is exactly what I shouldn't do. But I sort of want to. And I also don't want to.

5.My blog, some of these posts, are highly private. It seems no matter how many times he breaks my trust, I will still trust him blindly? And stupidly. I just don't learn. In the first two weeks, I thought that maybe he will see how much he hurt me and change his mind again. And all in all I think... when I'm not ready or not brave enough to tell him something, I just write it here and hope he's clever enough to understand. It never worked through and never will.

And geez I'm no cleverer than before. I'm just more positive about my confusion and all the posibilities, from which I cannot chose. Why do I have to think this far zzz. He never thought about anything, he doesn't care about anything, why me? Why do I have to go through all of this, from everyone around me? No answer to that question. I'm just rambling crap. And nothing make more sense and I still feel no better. Yay...