Did I mention I'm learning to like myself from begin again? In the past years I was the kind of person that would judge her own worth, by how others saw her. Now that I am separate and alone, I have to judge my worth by myself. That would mean get over my childish complexes of things that I can't change anything about, like my breasts or extremely pale skin. So today I went to work without any stockings or thights. Thats probably the first time I went outside with bare legs wearing a dress or skirt lol... and I managed pretty good, I actually didn't feel ashamed or anything actually. So I'll congratulate myself on this small success. Good job Moni!
I also really started to take good care of my appearance, even more so than before when I had a bf. If someone didn't think that it's possible to take even more care, then it is. I'm the living proof.
But there are other things bothering me. I can't really put my finger on what through. I guess some of this hidden bad feeling is cause it's end of school year, which means everyone is talking about exams and stuff, at work as well, so I get reminded of it a lot. Which means I would feel better if I just apply for this other school already. But I don't really want to omg... I'm actually scared to apply to another school. I kinda don't believe that I can get through to the end of all those 4 years all by myself... Sigh I feel so low. I always channeled my energy on these kind of things from the support I got from the people who loved me. I never was able to do anything alone. Even as a child I always had to have someone escort me everywhere, cause I knew I wouldn't go alone. So I had them come with me, to make sure I go when it was important. I'm scared to fail..... I'm scared what people are gonna think of me and that they're gonna look down on me. I know they have every right, even Fan did lol. But even through I know they have the right to look down on me, that I'm ready and willing to face it. My parent's didn't even ask for this year's school papers. They surely know I quit yet another school. Even I myself am ashamed of myself lol, to the extent that I'm at the verge of tears just cause of thinking about this. That's why I'm scared to face the rest of my relatives. Family love? What's that lol...
Also yesterday... *takes a deep breath* Yesterday again lol. When he mentioned about visiting. I felt nothing at first, I didn't really desire to spend a whole day with him, so I refused to take a day off. But I guess I do wish to see him for a while maybe. I didn't like how he's been talking about it, visiting wien and some forest and who knows what. I don't wish to spend a whole day with him, but I wished he would wan to spend the whole day with me. Althrough I feel no love for him anymore, I'm scared to what extent I rely on him. I just expect him to always want to be with me, that he would want to stay with me and that he would need me. So even tho I didn't really want to spend the day with him, or let's say I didnt know if I should spend the day with him, I was angry and upset about him caring that little. Sigh I didn't feel the need to have him close to me the week before. But ever since I wrote him that sms that I let him stay and started to again fully communicate with him. I slipped back into the previous obsession way too easily. It's scary. I'm scared into getting hurt again like I was the first two weeks after the break up. I really wished for my death those weeks. Enough that I quite clumsily walked in front of a car, cause I didn't find it important to look left right lol. And even tho the car hit breaks and nothing happened, I wondered that maybe it wouldn't be way too bad to have died then and there and have the whole thing over with. Or maybe survive and have new priorities? Whichever, I was ok with both. Obsession is quite self-desctructive. I think I delete MSN today, cause...Even the sms that he won't be around a lot this weekend made me upset. And it can't continue like this. This has to end.
It was nice while it lasted. I don't know what I will do about hugs, definitely gonna miss closeness. Cause after all, I'm just 20 and I'm just a girl. And I was betrayed by far too many people.
I'm scared to publish this also lol. Cause I'm scared I will regret my decision about once again deleting MSN and I'm scared that at some point, after pushing certain people away for long enough, there wont be a way back.
And now I have to feel what I was most scared of. Pain, betrayal and loneliness lol ...
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