Hii again blog o.o' What to tell you hmm...actually I guess nothing. Apart from that I'm at work right now for another 5hours o.o' Also hmm, when I'm at home I want to be at work, when I'm at work I want to be at home. No place where I would like to be lol. Need to find new hobbies to entertaing myself, on internet and outside also lol. So, I'll use this afternoon to search D: Quite bored tho lol, someone could start writting me really Lol.

Night sky

I decided to take a nice long walk with Black to get my thoughts sorted out and I glad I did, if cause of nothing else, then these two pictures I took.

They represent my mind. Dark cloud, clearing up sky & one single star. The clouds are our difficulties right now, just as the cloud I hope the clear up into a beautifull night sky. And that one star, that's the hope I hold. It's so small, but even on such a bad quality picture you can still notice it clearly shinning.

I did get my mind sorted out. As I was sitting there starring into the night sky, it all became suddenly peacefull. And even tho I don't know how long I can keep this feeling in my heart, I wish to keep it forever. It's calm, serene & subtle. And I still just want to be with you.

Sunday evening hmm... During day I kept myself busy with cleaning the whole house, now at night, it's time to slip into sweet not-awareness once again. I'm getting scared how fast that bottle is disappearing. I confirm I never drank this much alcohol continuously day after day, 4 days in a row. What I don't like is that I seem to learn to take my alcohol and be able to drink more and not get drunk. Which I don't like again. I liked the fact that I was dead and gone after 1-2 glasses...Maybe I should drink more pure and stop mixing so much. My stomach isn't agreeying with my alcohol since yesterday neither zzz. Maybe it's cause I barely ate anything the past week. I don't dare to go weight myself again. But at least I'm getting a bit more stable I would say. I'm also starting to decide it seems. I'm not quite sure with what I flooded my blog the past two days...since I wasn't sober enough neither one of those days to really remember everything that has been going on in my head. Erm I wonder if it's safe to drink down pain killers with vodka coke lol. Kinda having a headache right now. I guess google can answer? How bad can it be when it's not antibiotics lol. Oh well I'll rather endure the headache than the thoughts that would cross my mind if I were sober lol. Still there were a few on my mind today as well. I'm really just too curious on what he actually told his mother about me and how much she had to say before he agreed on ditching me lol. Lol pancake said that even if the parents oppose, if the child refuses firmly they will have no other choice than accepting it lol, they don't want to loose children or possibly never see their grandchildren. I kind of think that that's very true. Note: Pancake IS chinese. But yea, I also thought about if I would want to be with him if his mom changed his mind or if he changed his mind. Not sure about that, but I guess I'm slowly accepting the fact that my past year has been wasted like this. What I know is that that guy has no balls at all, nor a mind of it's own and he would always be unable to support his girlfriend/wife. Also, I kind of spotted two guys at work who would be good candidates for next boyfriend. Well not in my team exactly, they're both working in the Main Central department o.o' But I guess it's not ideal yet, neither one of them. But maybe an option in the future, have enough time to check them out, even when I have to call them to have a customer transfered to Sales or CusCare. Not to mention the work communicator comming quite in handy for this kind of thing, at least I won't be bored tomorrow. Also, I found myself another school to attend which doesn't have classes on Mondays, but only once a trimester, during friday,saturday & sunday. I guess I can allow myself to take holidays four times a year on fridays. But holidays every monday are impossible. And I'm definitely not letting go of this job, it's been a tough time searching. I want to also see the principal, to see if money can get me as far as going through two years of studium in one year, or more. If nothing else then that monster mother of his at least did something good in rejecting me. Also I thought I would maybe take another language class again, now that I have money for it again. Maybe continue in french or just for fun start chinese. I don't know why, but thinking about studying another new language always get's me excited. Now that it's decided that I'm not going London in a year, at least not cause of Fan, I'm thinking about getting an appartement as well. But I guess I won't have the money for that so fast, when I also want to pay for school and language course. I guess when I find a boyfriend in Slovakia then we can both move in together, gonna be way easier than if I move out alone, even tho, actually I'm not sure if I want to move out alone at all. I'm quite a scary cat. But I also thought how it would be if I told him to not tell his mother, or to lie to her. He lied to her for a whole year anyway, what's the big deal. Or if she actually wouldn't be as much of a b***h as she is, and wouldn't instantly say no only cause I'm not asian and don't have university done yet. I'll definitely do university as well now, just to shove it in her face one day zzz. I HATE when people put me in a box! I think I start to be racist now! She is one, why shouldn't I be one as well, since she want to put me in a box so badly. :) I can hate anyone who's not slovak, or whos asian as well. I can hate people for no reason at all too. I can hate her for remarrying lol. I know, a good reason, just as good as not accepting me cause I don't have university done with 20. Even if I wouldn't skip even one year of high school I would only be in the first year of university now and 3 years ahead of me. It's not my fault that she has complexes that hes diploma wasn't accepted in UK and she can't be a surgeon in there lol. But most of all. Out of everyone. Actually nevermind. I hate only three people right now. Fan and his mother and that stupid bitch Helen. How the hell could it happen that she got accepted?! They really want ugly cheating grandchildren. There's nothing special about her at all, as much as I looked at her shes not the least bit attractive. And Fan said shes not fat Lol, well sorry, have a second glimpse darling -.-' But really, I hate his mother, more than anyone in this world, I will concentrate the hate on her. Cause she, out of all people, knows a hell of nothing about me and dares to judge me. Stupid old woman. And oh, I don't give a damn that you will be reading this eventually Fan, I have no respect towards your mother. End of discussion. And second most I hate my ex-bf now, this fucking whole relationship was HIS idea to begin with! He only fed me lies one whole year long, lied to everyone and everything around him, including his mother and me, to everyone. No wonder he never put any status that would even mention me on facebook, he was scared someone from his family members would read lOl. Jesus. Just die. ALL THREE OF YOU!

And again, really just blame the vodka I have nothing better to do than blog since I can't go to sleep before that feeling that I'll throw up goes away.

Was going through my diary just a moment ago lol and found so many interesting things written in here. I note everything that's important to me. Like some things Fan said | wrote to me lol. I can just laugh about how big of lies all of this is. Let's start here.

"When you close your eyes it's like curtains going down." Yes cheesy, I still wrote it down cause I found it sweet.

"I have yet to meet someone more pretty than you." Yes, you have but you won't. End of discussion.

And last but not least, something he told me the first time I escorted him to the airport back to London. "I have never loved anyone as much as I love you." I think, I just halucinated this part, cause it's one of the biggest lies someone ever told to me, along with 'everything is gonna be fine', it just won't. Dot.

Then there is this email he wrote to me, that made me feel better at that moment and I wrote it down to my diary as well so I always have it close if the needs comes to reread it.

"Hmm I understand what you are saying, I guess it was a big mistake to tell you so much in the past, but I suppose at the time we didn't expect a relationship to start between us;;; you shouldn't keep thinking that she did more though....althrough it wasn't a far relationship, there were still a lot of problems, we had arguments quite often, and she really can't compete with you. The fact is that it wasn't such a good relationship, its old history and you are the one I love now, so there is really no reason for you to be jealous of it and make comparisons."

She did more, no she can't compare with me, I did way more for you or let's say I did everything and I'm way way prettier than her. But oh my she studied Cambridge, makes her so much more than me doesn't it. No wonder you could introduce her to your mother but not me. Go to hell both of you. Oh and I highlighter the part I liked the most before. Sweet sweet lie you asshole.

Oh and last but not least, what I found in my diary is my new years resolutions for 2010. One of them was "Be a better girlfriend to my boyfriend." And oh god I was. I was the best, I forgave you every lie, everything you did wrong to me and loved you anyway. I put up with all the strange things you liked and didn't oppose to your weird taste on some things, I learned to accept that you put your friends above me and everything. I put so much effort in surprising you with things, especially your god damned birthday, I only went through that cause seeying you happy made me happy as well. Will never find better than me -.- Good luck in that.

Oh god I think I have to vomit tonight *ends of post*

Guess I blog more during weekend than weekdays recently...Don't want to be home at all...Rather wish I be at work. I'm still waiting for this to pass by. So nice the weather outside and I'm in this kind of mood, that's really pitifull. Also I ran out of strawberry juice so I'm left with pure vodka. Maybe that's not as bad as I think. At least I won't end up sober after drinking half a bottle. What am I gonna do now? Maybe I should start playing audition again to fill out the gap of time that I was spending with Fan before. I guess 3 days aren't enough for the pain to pass. To me it seems like it's at least a week if not more. And I shouldn't be just sitting here in front of the pc all day long. Oh did I mention lol, stepdad moving in this weekend? I bet that stupid woman is happy -.- what an eyesore zzz. Think I mentioned this yesterday already or? -.- Don't like that woman alive lol, should go back to China and stick to her old fashioned stuff Lol.

Hi again dear blog...once more today. Shouldn't, but will go crazy if I don't do something. I want to sleep some more, more than just 7-10pm, best would be if I just don't have to wake up anymore. I underestimated this, cause just that vodka isn't gonna cure the pain, nor numb me enough. Surely I can try harder, just prefer for this to not end up in me throwing up all that alcohol again, or am I that pitifull already... Maybe I am since I'm getting close to half a bottle of vodka in one evening with breaks in between lol. It does help usually it helped when I ditched Ryan, why not anymore now. Sigh. I wonder how much of this a person has to drink to get alcohol poisoning as well. I guess that depends on the size of the individual as well. But then again I would say that the pain equalls to the severity of the betrayal you experience, judging after that no one ever mistreated me like this, I shouldn't be that surprised that half a bottle vodka, 4 days of crying, 4 work days spent starring dumb into the distance and 4 days of lying to myself that I don't need him also don't help. How much more do I have to go through? What did I do to everyone that I always end up like this. If I were 14 and still played audition, by now I would have at least a new couple if not a new boyfriend already. But I don’t want to anymore, I do want to have a new boyfriend but I also don’t wan no other. What a cruel twist of fate, the more I put into the relationship the more betrayed I get. Dany did it clever, maybe only a near death experience shows you that ur worth more than that. Either that or you really have the guts and kill yourself. Which is better when you feel like there is nothing more ahead of you that's worth it? I don't want to anymore really. I put everything into that relationship, after always throwing away everything good I had in the past, why doesn't it work out even now...I wonder if you become faster numb if you torture yourself more from the very beginning, with pictures and memories and all the things you have. If you purposely hurt yourself will it get you through the process faster? Or physical pain? Don't even need to cut arms anymore really I think heart pain is physical enough or? Running out of strawberry juice lol soon I can just drink pure vodka Lol. Something changed, I was breaking up with so many guys and I never felt anything, I went straight on into the next relationship and when I saw their pain that was all the satisfaction I needed lol. I wish to be like that again. Rather hurt others than kill yourself for someone who is gonna backstab you in return. Everyone is just saying that it's ok that there is someone waiting who will back me up all the way to the end and be proud of me, but that doesn't help the present. It's a nice belief in the future but it doesn't cure the pain. I don't know what to do anymore really, I told him to not bother writting me and I'm not sure if that's good or not. If I break all contact the pain will she sharper but maybe shorter lived and if I keep writting with him I won't feel like I lost it all but the pain will be long lived and at some point in the future gonna get to me anyway, latest when he does find that perfect girl his mom will approve of and gonna be his turn to marry after all of his friends Lol. That woman... I wish she doesn't live. Then this wouldn't happen. Don't care how it sounds lol, bad stuck up people don't deserve to live. She knows nothing, she should just stick to her oh so great new husband and don't put her nose into my stuff. How I hate her. This reminds me I was only accepting him being a mommy boy with the belief that after how he treats his mom you can judge on how he will treat you in marriage. Guess THAT one doesn't work for mommy boys that are afraid of their mommies. A colleague said it's written in the Bible that a man is supposed to leave his mother to live in a perfect harmony with his wife lol. That's another part you gotta hate about china, they're all budhist or something like that lol. Ok you stupid vodka I'm still waiting for that state where everything is funny to me, I thought 38% is stronger than this! If that absinth wouldn't be so minty disgusting I should have taken it from him, since he didn't want it anymore. Hmmm I tried to make my blog sound happy the past weeks. I thought there is so much depressing thoughts, it's more like I only complain when I write into my diary or blog. So I put my hopes up high again, I tried to see things from a different angle and I tried to make my relationship seem like it's actually happy. I don't know if I was THAT happy with him, but I felt like I found my place. Now I'm kinda lost again. I wanted to do so much with him. I wanted to bake him another better cake for next years birthday, I wanted to learn to cook better as well chinese recipes too, I wanted to learn the language eventually to not be cut off from his family (when I didn't expect that they would judge over me like this), I wanted to go to botanical garden with him again when the trees are in full bloom at the early summer, I wanted to go sunbath, I wanted to repeat him staying at my place if my parents went to visit grandma again this year, I wanted to go visit London with him and eventually move, I wanted so much. I became happy when I build myself a perspective into the future with him. Now, I am here standing over my crushed future, everything I wanted and planned gone, no perspective, all alone and no one that can replace him. Amy would have said that I'm obsessed. Well how else do you define love if not obsession. I wonder, but guess I agree, I really am that low for not even having finished highschool yet. Well I'm sorry, I still don't see how it makes me a better or worser girlfriend. I hate his mother, I hate him as well, actually I hate everyone and everything. I can't even go out with a friend without thinking he has some other hidden thoughts as well or thinking that hes only calling me out cause his girlfriend is studying for exams and he doesn't want to be bored at home. I'm no replacement. And no one is a replacement. And I don't think that even after I wrote this much that it makes me feel any better or that I feel lighter after writting my thoughts down. I feel just as miserable as before I started writting this. I still keep looking at my MSN if he's online, even tho I clearly said to him today that he doesn't need to be bothered writting me & I can't get drunk enough to write him myself first. I prolly would even reply after I said I will ignore. I should just drop dead and then this is

FINALY

ALL

OVER!

Mooooorning :)))It's friday! Even tho I'm at work, the weather looks nice :3

Also yesterday I got quite surprised by my colleagues :) didn't know I have such good friends amongs them. Suddenly like going here more. Also the guy I know for 14 years know dragged me out to get different thoughts. And know that it helped, we went a bit around the city, then for coffee then to his house. I saw his mom after a very long long time again. Had some absinth at his place which I confirm is disgusting. Arranged for his brother to give me a discount on a pinkie pink small tiny cute laptop that he sells as well! Will see if I really buy it. Was at his place till 10:40pm lol then he drove me home :) Had shower, talked a bit with friends, has some strawberry juice vodka and went to sleep short after midnight. So it's been a surprisingly good day. Hope they stay like this :)

Buh Bye *loves*

Hi dear blog again.

Today in work...Actually I'm not sure I want to be here. Maybe I want to, at least I'm not sitting at home crying my eyes out like yesterday. Maybe it can distract me a bit. Don't think it can really. I'll just sit here silently and suffer while maintaining a nice voice with customers. Maybe I should be here 24/7. Maybe I should waste all my holidays and stay at home eating chocolate and watching some sad films.

Maybe I should delete & block him and forget about his existence or should I try to stay friend with him? The worst part is that I can't imagine being with anyone else. Guess that prevents me from starting to just date some guy from work right away.

Everyone is just saying I should completely forget him or that they would like to punch him awake, if he has no mind of his own, that the only thing that makes him a man is his d**k and that if he just gives up 1year of relationship like that. And the facts are I should forget him, someone should punch him awake when he can't value love, no he has no mind of his own he's the dog of his mom, sometimes not even that part of his body makes him a man and yes, he give up 1year of relationship just like that.

At least I restrained from bashing him on Facebook, like Dany does with his ex-gf. Don't want to lower myself on that kind of level. Or on the level of giving away all the secrets I know about him as revenge for how he broke my trust just like that. Best part is that it took him one whole hour to decide that his mom is right and broke up with me. Didn't even try to change her mind or talk with her a second time or wait a bit if she cools down. I actually don't even know what he told her about me and what she said about me.

But I will still lower myself on the level where I wish him to suffer real bad from his consciousness, where I wish him to be goddamn unhappy just as I am and where I wish him that he hopefully NEVER find any girl. Won't find any that would be better to him than me anyway, I did goddamn everything for him, I forgave him all the lies he fed me and I coped with his weird taste on things. And this is what I get for it. I don't deserve this.

But most of all I wish I can just not love him anymore for what he did and just hate him without feeling regret or sorry at all. That's about it.

So bye

Morning...Well, I'm not at work this time. Nor am I going if my manager allows me not to...send him a text message already. Don't think I have many days off left anyway. But I absolutely can't imagine going to work and having to talk with a cheerfull voice to people all day long and pretend everything is fine cause I don't have any private space at work. Not after 2 hours of sleep and last nights events. What do I do now? Hope that low life screenshot person is happy now. If I ever find out the name ...

But what's this fate. 1-2 weeks after I decide I don't want him to announce his mother this happens? All the year I wanted him to tell her and nothing like this happened. What did I do so bad that karma plays such a joke on me. He was visiting not even 2 days ago. When I think that the relationship starts going somewhere it's over? Why?

What right does she have to judge over me when she never even met me? And him obeying is like...actually nevermind, I don't think I as a european girl have any comparison to such a thing. Not to mention I kind of knew this would happen, but still. I actually executed this break up myself as well the way I pushed. If I said No, your not breaking up with me' would it change anything? But would I want a relationship where he chooses his mothers ridiculous reasons as enough to really break up with me as she wants him to? I've been wondering also if we should be having a relationship that didn't work to begin with and has so many obstacles. This is not a movie, people don't face all the troubles and have a happy end. People choose the easy way out when it get's too hard.

What do I do with all the stuff? Bears, perfumes, gifts, images & memories. Hide or burn the stuff and get a shotgun to get rid of the memories. I guess no matter how positive and good I'll try to make the relationship sound, it still has no point when the other person isn't willing to go through it with you. He knew all along that hes gonna break up when his mother doesn't agree. Prolly the reason why he wouldn't stop whinning about being scared to lose me, even after I said that unless he breaks up I'm not going anywhere.

I liked this status I saw on Amys MSN: People often rely on others too much & take others for granted. Just learn to pick urself up when your down.

Think I'll go back to bed soon...Nothing to do today now anyway.

Bbye

Hmm work day again. Couldn't sleep really but still feel refreshed and awake. Was awake at 5am already and kept waking up till 7am when I really had to get up. The weather is interesting as well, one moment it's sunshine and blue sky, then the next moment it's raining heavily and the sky is dark, then it clears up again.

Well I don't think I want to comment on the previous days where I haven't blogged. Friday,Saturday, Sunday and Monday morning were nice. Monday night sucked. Won't go into details, still damn pissed. Think I end the post here today and do something else. So bye

Morning Morning again o,o'

Finaly friday, the last day of work and finaly quiet at work :3 So I can blog in peace and also listen to music and be on Facebook and who knows what...Hmm was supposed to meet Adam 2 times already but hes being a bit busy cause of his finals, so I'm supposed to meet him again today, will see if it happens today or if he has to cancel again. Hmm then going to some shopping again, duh money fly away so fast again -_-' really bad the past 2 months. Oh well...

Did I mention I came to like my new hair yesterday? That is after I bleached my damn dark brows, suddenly the hair and whole appearance and face looked so much better. How much difference a small change can make. Thank god I'm not going to that other cosmetician, she truly sucks and is also unpolite. So everything is a lot better now, tomorrow going to my cosmetician once more. :3

GOOD MORNING D:!

I never wake up early enough to take some time for myself in the morning damn! Especially today I would really need it since I look like a baby chick and would need to figure out what goes well with my hair. In any case...I'm definitely turning heads now at work, I wonder if that college made it around the corner without smashing his hand on the wall, since I saw him turning around cause I turned around myself when I head a thud sound. Definitely had the eyes on myself in tram as well...but then they tried to not stare too much. Don't know if I should take the starring as a compliment or like an insult. Cause in any case, I wanted something no one had, I wanted to stand out as well that's true and I wanted to turn heads. That's the reasons I also was deciding over pink, but I definitely wanted to at least like the colour myself & I'm not quite sure if I like THIS particular baby chick colour yet. Maybe I get used, maybe I won't and go a different blonde or brown again. Maybe I should look at some blonde asians, cause a blond colour on an asian takes similar attention as me with baby chick hair. In any case will see in a few days if I survive and get used. Also my mom was very interested in my hair, it's been definitely interesting when she came my room when I was on webcam with Fan and took a strand of my hair just to say 'Why do you have it copperish?' Weeeeell mom if you can't say anything nice why don't u just stay quiet D:

I guess I'll add a pic to this post later on, cause since I didn't wake up early enough didn't have time to make any proper pic with 'daylight' (no sunlight in the morning, too bad). So...let's see I guess :3

Buh Bye blog

PS: Only 2 more days~


So here the promised pic:

Wednesday~

Good Morning~

Well first thing to say, I don't feel any more awake after 8 hours of sleep than I do after 4-5hours of sleep and I went to sleep at 11pm! Well before 11pm but that's when I actually fell asleep, since Fan managed to wake me up from half asleep state. Not that I complain, I fell asleep straight after the call anyway lol and didn't wake up till 7am, when I had to rush to work...

Hmm today I go hairdresser to become Legaly Blonde, hopefully it will be 'blond' this time, or else I'm switching hairdressers. Yesterday was by the cosmetician as well, so today I got an extra thick layer of make up LOL!! T_T Can't crawl under the bed at home still have to go work sigh. Oh well I can surrive 1-2 days of bad skin when I then have really really nice skin the rest of the month, I guess it's a fair deal. Tomorrow again I should meet Adam for Oriflame and friday it's last preparations before Fan comes over the weekend. Oh yea it's wednesday already, slowly drawing closer finally. And I paid that stupid fine through online banking yesterday -_- If I meet that stupid jerk again hes dead meat! Could buy clothes for that money D:

Well hopefully today be a quieter day at work since it's middle of the week, should be less busy than Mondays-Tuesdays...Or I really go crazy if work be like this from now on, I got too spoiled from being an OTOG agent and getting just one call every 15mins, that was life :( Oh well...sigh...still it brings me money to waste D: so I'll endure.

Buh Bye~

Awfull day #2

Hi again T_T Dead today, completely dead, slept like 4 hours...Actually not like, I did sleep 4 hours. Sigh. Eyes hurt, no idea how I'll survive another day like yesterday, but hopefully after 3 coffees the coffeeine could kick in. And maybe I'll manage today purely on the power of will. Slept bad also. What to do...what to do...

Tuesday today, going cosmetician in the afternoon and hairdresser tomorrow. Can't say I'm looking forward, not even wasting money makes me really happy at the moment. I really just miss Fan a lot. I would prolly get jealous over anything right now -.- which is quite visible if you ask me. Miss him Miss him Miss him! -.- Just let it be saturday already, I think I'm deprived in every way possible.

Goddamn you ppl stop calling!!! T__T My eyes are not even open and I have no voice, so stop pestering me!

Where was I...oh well...*sighs*

Kk nothing to write really I guess...

Bbye~

Sucky London Weather in Brat...

Ok so today work is quite bad lol Call after call right from 8am sigh =| hmm wanna go home again into my warm bed and best would be if baby was in the bed as well Q.Q Sucky awfull horrible rainy weather, don't wanna do anything at all...It's raining all weekend long and gonna be raining tomorrow as well. Really depressive! T.T

Aaaanyway today I'm meeting Adam to get my Oriflame from him, I should also pay that fine I got on that stupid tram. Tomorrow going to cosmetician and wednesday to hairdresser...in other words I have already something planned for each day of this week except Thursday so far. But Thursday should be coffee with Klaudia after quite a while.

Yesterday I went to Aupark with my ex-boyfriend, in awfull heavy rain. We waited on the tram stop for the tram 13 for almost half a hour till we found out that tram is completely out of order, so we went a different route and arrived in Aupark after 1h10min...Went straight ahead for coffee to wake up|warm up ourselves from the awfull rain. Then we went to shop shop a lot =X I sure did buy a lot when I ended up with 6 big bags of stuff lol. All in all I bought myself eyeliner in hot pink and black, a new big big BIG handbag for weekends with baby, a massive gingerbread, new neckband for Chanson and a big chewy toy for Black and some other groceries. Then we went to a Chinese Restaurant for dinner, don't ask me for the names or consistence, I think it's generally better than I don't know. In any case was yummy, even tho Fan would prolly roll eyes now that it's not even chinese food, which is true considering that it wasn't really spicy at all. Then after somehow managing to get home we wanted to go Mauro for some coctails, but those pigs closed before it was even 10pm! Duh...so we ended in Eden pub on some coctails, which honestly speaking weren't good at all considering I was completely sober after 2 coctails ._.' Which was probably good tho since my ex starts to get weird ideas after he has some alcohol. In any case got home at cca 10:15pm.

My mood was a bit weird tho, so it complicated the evening that is until I proved my blondness, by thinking my dolby surround is broken that is...until I turned the volume up on the speakers...so yea...at least it broke the ices between us.

Damn what an awfull day at work today! Can't even blog in peace! At least I have break in less than 10min, then it's time to wake baby up and get another coffee. *shy*

Well I guess that's all for today, the countdown starts, only 5 more days till weeekend :3

Buh Bye *loves*

PAYCHECK DAY! *-*

Hii dear Blog.

I don't usually post over weekends, cause mostly I just take time at work before baby wakes up to post here. But today I already went through all my Facebook games and didn't finish drinking my morning coffee(and Fan went to shower and eat) so...I have spare time o.o' .

Yesterday was paycheck dayyy :3 Got as much as I expected it to be and already went shopping with my exbf as well. Got 2 awesomely cute dresses which I can also wear to work (which was very important, cause since I spend there 5-6 days a week...we'll I see no point in buying just weekend clothing), a quite interessting shirt which I assume will suit me very nicely (since I was too lazy to try it out), and not to mention loads of make up and some grocery stuff :3. And some other shopping as well but I won't go into details here.


First Black Dress :3


This is my fav ones *-* Love the bow and frills at bottom...


And last but not least, my new shirt

Oh and before that shopping we went to that new Green Tree Coffee. Well it's not really 'new' anymore, I just never tried it before at all lol. We wanted to try something new lol so he got had Ginseng Coffee and I had Guarana Coffee and it wasn't bad at all. I imagined it to be quite worse so was surprised when it was not just drinkable but actually quite nice lol.




Not the best images ever I know...It's quite small in there and I felt a bit weird making pictures when others could see...

All in all I was with him till 10pm lol and also made shopping plans for Sunday :3 so I'm not bored at home all day long, when baby is not home anyway ;;;

Today I was supposed to wake up at 7am to catch my cosmetician to make an appointment but erm...actually I remember waking up at 5am, cause dad was loud while taking Black out for the morning walk...So I just went back to bed...then I only remember waking up at 12am. And I also remember having alarm set for 7am on my radio, no idea what happened to that. But I had quite weird dreams this night. But oh well, don't care, the dreams were all crap anyway!

Hmm not sure what I should be doing today, but I guess I will spend the majority of today cleaning up, since I never find the time or energy during week. And maybe also go out do some shopping or just go for a walk :3 In any case I think I end here, I already wasted quite some time on here, and ran out of coffee as well so...

Buh Bye *loves*

Update~

Hiii again :3

Didn't blog yesterday, since I had my day off and wasn't at work. Yesterday was my and babies 1year1month anniversary :3 So we both stayed at home and so far my internet allowed, webcamed during the day. Soo :3 was a nice day off, could sleep out as well, cleaned my carpet finaly and so on...~

Hmm today is the 14th which means paycheck!!! $_$ Moni goes waste money after work *shy* Fiiinaly :3

I forgot to mention that I had my picture taken on wednesday...cause of us being the first team to launch OTOG pilot...did I mention the pics are simply AWFULL??? Like REALLY BAD!

Oh well...Whole EMEA (Europe, Middle East, Africa) will see that stupid picture D: I go die now lmao...My whole reputation died with one picture T_____T! siiiigh! *cries*

Oh well...I'll brighten my mood with lots of shopping and alcohol today. Coctails! :3 Tomorrow it saturday, then it's one more week at work then I see baby :3 yay!

And we also called yesterday again for half a hour or so. Hmm we called 3 days straight lol I don't even have much to say over the line anymore D:

Plus I ordered new headset yesterday from Alza shop :3 Koss SB/49! Can't wait to get them :3 They're gonna be just as awesome as my old ones but they'll have sound control as well! And a working microphone not to forget...I'll kill my cat if she chews on my cable again...Like really kill!

Anyway...I think that's all I had to write really, it's quite busy at work today. I bet all the no-life germans were sitting at home yesterday wrecking their computers so they can annoy us today and not give us a relaxing friday before the weekend. Duh...

Buh Bye *loves*

Geez~

Good Monrning D:

Geez I never manage to wake up early enough to actually have some time for myself in the morning >
And today I actually got caught from one of those nasty men who are controlling the tram tickets = = geez just my luck today, I should have listened to my instinct when it was telling me that a lot of weird men are comming on. There goes 40euro just like that, but still I see no point in buying daily a 15min ticket when the tram ride takes cca. 30seconds. Oh well...

Yesterday, since baby lost the bet, we called at night again :3 for half a hour again as well, have to get a new headset with working mic so we can call online since phone calls go into money...Then we can taaaalk all the time :3

But then I couldn't sleep again, cause I fell asleep from 8pm till 9pm...So I was lying in bed watching tv till 2:30am duh, no wonder I didn't wake up early enough again. Sad sad. Was squeezing teddy and looking at honeys pics on my phone & still couldn't manage to sleep argh.

But yea...today I get to talk to an irish lady that brough this whole OTOG stuff upon us *gets a knife ready* actually I do like it, we get less calls and higher paycheck(hopefully). Then tomorrow I have a day off, cause it's Bank holiday in germany, swissland, austria (or basically everywhere, except here). And it's my and Fan's anniversay tomorrow :3 1 year and 1 month! Yay :3 And then the day after it's my paycheck! And then Fan is comming next weekend. All around I'm gonna have a great time until then :))

Ok well I think I wrote everything I wanted

*hugs & kisses*

Bbye~

I WINZ!

I JUST WON THE BET! HA! Baby has to call me the next 3 days for at least 10minutes ;shy!!! :3 LOLOL

Ooook now let's go back to blog. :3 Moni is quite happy at work today, cause Moni won a bet with baby and no more relationship problems hovering over my head. Not at the moment at least. And I called with baby for half a hour last night. Or let's say I talked and he played a good listener =p It's 3 more days to paycheck and less than 2 weeks till Fan's Bday. :3 Can't wait for that! *shy* Hmm well nothing big happened other than this.

Well we decided to not tell the mommy for now so we can enjoy our relationship a while more. Or for how long it possible and longer than that and hmm.

My internet is really annoying me the past days. I bet it's the damn volcano ashes ruining my connection :( Should call UPC soon and have them send someone over if it doesn't stop real soon. I want my internet! I LIVE on my internet D: how would I talk with my baby then.

9:22am Fan is still not awake, or at least haven't send me email yet! I winz

Hmm I have more OTOG training today, so learning to use more programs and slacking at work hopefully. Should be weekend again already D:

Nothing much to write so Bbye blog~

Change of heart?

Morning blog.

I'm not actually quite sure I have much to write today, but I guess I should keep updating. Slowly it's comming upon me as well lol. It's funny how calm I was yesterday and how scared I am today. But how long more can we be together even if he doesn't tell her? A year? Can't I just return back to the previous year? I never had these kind of thoughts before. It's been all fun back then. I'm really considering not having him tell her...and enjoy that 1 year maybe. I don't, really don't want to break up. Now it's like in the movies lol, forbidden love not accepted by parents. Interesting? Not...Hmm...I guess I'll see when Fan wakes up. And poor Mr.Teddy gets carried everywhere with me...to work, to bed, to shopping.

I'm going through different phases. I actually never thought he has that kind of reasons for not telling her, when I wanted him to tell his mother. I wanted it for the sole purpose that it's more official when the parents know. I never thought it would be a reason to break up. I thought it would be a next step in the relationship but not leading to a break up.

If I have to choose between being official and breaking up, I think being together secretly is more appealing, but I guess the final choice if he want's to tell her, if I wouldn't force him to, is his. But this situation does come back to us sooner or later...I really don't know anymore.

I hate myself when I fake that I don't care. It's easier for the other person if they think you don't care about the outcome. I actually do really care. If I can I want to stay with him. It's scary that I can't really see how my life will be without him again, after 1 and half year. I don't want to break up sigh

Thinking

Hi dear blog, for once not at work. Althrough I wish I were. It's dangerous when I'm at home alone and Fan's not there. So many crazy thing's start going through my mind. I guess alcohol got me through friday night and the hang-over sleep-out got me through saturday day.

Actually already friday was pretty bad. I was pretty devastated and lost in thoughts. I didn't think it's that obvious until everyone asked me what's wrong, and that I look like a ghost and walk around like I had no soul(Not to mention I bought myself coffee during my lunch break and went out to sit alone on the bench in front of the building in the blasting wind just to stare in the sky and think...)...I'm thankfull for finding friend's at work, I really am. I was very surprised that I actually got presents for my Name Day from them as well :) That cheered me up a little. My social life is better than ever before, but that's not enough for me.

I wonder if I'm too extreme, actually I know I am, have been told enough times by Fan as well. I love too much, I hate too much, when I'm sad then I'm REALLY sad and when I'm happy then I have this radiance, I live on extremes. I just talk random.

I have been thinking nonstop about my relationship the past 2 days. When I talked to Chung and mentioned I might move he said 'that's over the top'. When I talked to Amy and said I might learn chinese if I stay with Fan she asked 'Only because of him?' and seemed quite insulted on my reply 'Why else' and said 'For your own knowledge and when u want to visit China'.

I have been thinking if my reaction to Fan not being able to tell his parents was appropriate. Wouldn't it be a lot less drama if I just didn't want him to tell them? Could we enjoy a nice relationship if his mom didn't get a chance to judge over me? But then I stay stuck on this one point in a relationship where we can't move forward cause any next step would require her acceptance of me. Maybe it would be okay like that? Just keep it a drama-less long distance relationship like this for another year or two, then when he has to find a girl to marry break up? Would I be able to do that? I remembered I was scared of this from begin. I wonder when I forgot about this feeling, that we're not from the same social backgrounds. When I talked to my ex-bf about this, just for the asian insight ( I never ever talked about my private life with this guy, cause our friendship works just on the non private level), he said that when you want to introduce to your parents it means it's getting serious. That moms always ask about education,age,parents,where she's from...everything wrong already. That she would at least want a daughter in law that she doesn't have to be ashamed of. Since when did I become someone to be ashamed of? If something then it's my school. I should be ashamed I dropped out of schools and I am, but I don't see why I should be ashamed for where I come from or what my parent's are like or my age. If something I dare to say I could give her grandchildren she definitely won't need to be ashamed of. And no Chung only cause we met over internet it doesn't mean I go after his money, I don't. I dare to say I would be a good wife, maybe one of the asian sort, that seem to die out in europe? The kind of wife that doesn't mind cooking for her husband and cleaning up and caring for his well being, and someday children. Europe women are known for wanting their men to help them cook and do house chores and take care of the children as well. As far as I remember I always cooked myself, cause it's something I wanted to prepare myself, for him. Ok I remember I let him do the dishwasher, simply cause I couldn't operate that evil thing from begin, but when I found out I did the dishwasher myself as well. When he's been staying in Slovakia for a bit longer than he planned and had to had his clothes washed I did wash them, I let them dry and I ironed them before putting them together neatly. So in what aspects would I be a daughter in law that she has to be ashamed of? I haven't poisoned him with my cooking yet either! China is a lot more strict than Europe sigh.

Maybe I should just find a slovak boyfriend? All the slovak moms loved me cause I don't smoke, don't excesively drink, am polite to elders and seem like a lady. Guess slovak moms have lower standards? I never thought I could be this low in someones eyes.

How high are the chances that she won't actually stample me as denied the moment he tells her or the moment she meets me and I won't act like a chinese girl? It will require me to speak chinese and him to know at least some basic slovak. What would the wedding be like? English? My parent's don't speak english. Chinese? I don't speak chinese. Slovak? My 'husband' doesn't speak slovak. Now this doesn't mean I plan a wedding yet or a future. I have been told that asian's don't date casually, but for the sake of marrying. I actually don't think I'm so much different, when confronted with it. I can't maintain feelings towards a person with which I know I can't have a future even if things worked out perfectly with us.

Maybe it would be for the best if I just called it a game over and disappeared? It's so complicated for everyone. I liked the idea of getting through all the hardships and problems, that is until I found out how much pain and sadness it includes, along with helplessness. Even tho I have been lying in bed with my teddy relying in the scent of his perfume and thinking that it's just 2 more weeks till I see him. But then it's 2 days and another month to wait. Are those 2-3 days a month worth so much pain and trouble for everyone? But not counting the real life time we spend together it's almost 2 years since we know each other and spend almost every single day talking together.

I really don't know if I should nourish the relationship for any longer. It will be awfull pain when his mom says no, and I'm not sure I want to get in the way of his family cause family means a lot to him. But then again, I just want to see him...

I also wonder when I learned to express my feelings towards him, I was always unable to do so for over a year long of time, simply cause he couldn't and I thought it would be unappropriate.

BBye

Sigh...

Sigh...G'morning, Moni is at blogging again, altho not sure I have something to write today, or something good at least, so don't know if I should restrain from it or not.

I wonder what's gonna happen with us, maybe it's just me so uncertain? Even through my better judgment I got angry yesterday again, or let's say upset. It started with me, actually I just wanted to share my info of what I found out from my friends about moving to London and other stuff. Not too good news, so maybe that enhanced the whole bad situation, when I didn't get the reply I expected, or let's say I got no reply at all. It's like the other person is not interested in the conversation when she just doesn't reply to it. But honestly speaking, it's been all just crap. Not replying what I wanted and telling me he won't be there over the weekend cause he has to help at his stepdad's house. None of that is really the reason I got angry. I feel like a ticking time bomb, waiting if something happens or not. And when nothing happens, which means I feel like my time and effort is being wasted again, I explode. Over nothing in particular, like not looking at the window for a moment. He could have yawned with his mouth open and even that would make me angry. Cause that's not the reason.

The past few days have been really nice. I liked my relationship suddenly and felt in love again. Maybe scared of losing it? And going back to how I felt over the last weekend? I don't wanna repeat that feeling again. It's been truly the most awfull I've felt in years. Because it wasn't my fault. I could put up with being scared that my parents kill me when I got into problems, cause I had to deal with what I ruined. But when you haven't been the person who ruined it and the whole fate of the thing isn't in your hands, when you can't change anything. Just this really helpless and hopeless feeling, is what's worst.

I know I said I will wait and I will, but that doesn't prevent the emotional outburst when it comes all down on me on some days. And especially when it's such a day, with my luck, there is no one to give me any security or support. Especially on such days he has at least a week ahead planned so that he's busy and I end up alone with it. If it were me, I would bring it behind me with the bad talk, so I have the whole pressure lifted from me already, and not run around with it for unnecesary long. Especially when it upsets other people more than me and gives me awfully guilty feelings. What's the point of prolonging the misery? Everyone just suffers unnecesary with a smile on their face. I don't feel like waiting till I get another emotional break down and end up on antidepressants like my mother. I love him but something has to happen soon, to relieve some of the unsecurity I feel...

Bbye for today...

PS: Indeed a nice name day for me today...

Good night, Good morning

Hi again there, Moni's at work again o-o today even on time!

Did I mention in one of my previous blogs, that I have to get a rough idea of what I need to do or arrange if I wanted to visit or move to London? Well the first thing ever would be UMBRELLA and waterproof shoes! It's so awfull in Bratislava the past days, real London weather. Yesterday as I was attempting to go home at 6pm, I ended up waiting outside the building for the rain to stop for 20mins, before returning inside and sitting back behind my pc...My coach and some of my colleagues had a good laugh at my attempt...Then I got an umbrella borrowed from my coach and eventually went home with one of my colleagues Eli. And I tell you, what a way home it was. The umbrella did help to keep my hair dry but other than that...I could have swimmed home. At begin we both tried to avoid stepping into water poodles, but after 5 meters, seeying that there is a whole street flooded and I can't fly (plus the fact my shoes were floated anyway) I gave up and just went the shortest way, stepping straight into the poodles|pondles|water|river! whichever you like. Got home wet as a fish and could throw all my clothes straight into the washmachine unless I wanted to get sick.

Then at home I pretty much webcamed with baby all the time we were online. :3 Got quite used to cam, even tho I didn't really like it at begin. But I guess it gets different when ur with that person long enough (even tho I still wonder that he didn't run away after seeying how I look at some days, especially without make up). Poor baby is flooded with work again, so yea, I kept him quite away from it, which resulted in his lack of sleep =| but I'll get to that soon.

Once after I went to bed Fan called :3 His phone was striking tho. Kept hanging up, hang up 4 times on me! But the 5th time was succesfull and I got quite...erm...talkative which I don't think is a good thing, since I already feel sorry for his phone bill =| Since we called for cca. 40min which is the record so far. And erm...It's been pretty much mostly me talking. But I surely enjoyed it, I missed him, actually still do, but more in a physical aspect. He didn't learn to teleport yet so, that aspect couln't be satisfied :((( We talked a bit out of everything, my curious into phone meowing cat, elections in England, some slightly dodgy stuff, some planning, some serious talk...But yea we talked for 40min while I lied there, turning around and cuddling teddy. Actually if it were me, I wouldn't hang up at all. But yea, it's Fans phone bill (and I already feel sorry for it) and he had still lots of work lined up. So eventually at 1:10am we hung up and I got round to sleeping.

You can imagine my surprise when I eventually got out of bed around 7am, turned my pc on and had Fan write me a message on MSN. I made him not sleep all night long, cause I kept him away from work with webcam at work and home and then calling after I went bed =| Was a nice and a bad surprise, both at once, cause he finished 20min before I got online and waited for me those 20min T_T Sorry! But I really miss seeying and hearing you =/ plus didn't know you have THAT much work to do. Once I get paycheck again I'll call you myself. q.q Well not like that reduces his work load =| Well hope baby sleeps well for the 2-3 hours he will sleep this morning, if he wakes up as he plans that is x.x...**hugs & kisses* Love you much

PS: this is how busy Moni is at work, blogging 20mins straight without any interruptions.

OMG @_@

OMG @_@ Due to the lack of sleep in the past days...I horribly overslept for work today x.x Was supposed to start work at 8am, but instead I only woke up at 8:45 and got to work at 9:15...Oh dear I hope i dont get into troubles really...sigh...Should be Ok since I called my manager straight as I woke up and told him the situation and apologized and hurried to work. He didn't seem angry or smth so yea...*prays*

Hmm on another note, at least I got some sleep finally, even tho I ran to work without make up on (people who know me, know that really bad things have to happen for me to go out of house without my complete make up). Hmm last night =| wasn't that awesome again sigh. I was awfully tired and waiting for Fan to return and occasionaly falling asleep...Then we came home at 10:40pm and I got up again at 11:00pm...and was angry already. Not directly at him, myself maybe, or the bad luck, that I wanted to spend time with him, waited for him, till I overslept...It's not his fault at all(even tho dear! Got no moqi? Could sense that I want you to wake me up T_T ) but still I was upset already and couldn't get out of it anymore sigh. So the evening, even tho we could have some time together, wasn't rly that fullfilling cause my mood waved at me as she boarded the plane to Icelands (lol) ... And we were supposed to call too...Well we weren't, but I wanted to. But he said it would be easier if he could call my homeline, then again, my homeline doesn't work anymore. It would charge up but it would die as soon a I took it from the charger. So I went bed, kind of upset as well, but there was no space for thinking anymore cause I fell asleep immeadiately. Been waking up through the night tho, woke up at 2am also, then read the sms he sent when I already slept. Wasn't anything special in the content but it cheered me up anyway. So...hopefully today be a better day and hopefully I don't get into troubles at work. Thank you and Miss you and Love you <3

Long time no see!

Dear blog! It's been ages! D: I actually wanted to stop writting here, cause its more of a complain-blog than anything else. But I think I'm determined to start over again and give you one more chance :)! As i now have great opportunities to update you while I'm at work! Dell sure isn't that busy anymore since I became an OTOG Agent! :))) Life's a bit complicated at the moment tho. Job situation is awesome, yea. But then personal stuff~ Moni still doesn't talk to Linda lol & Linda actually wrote me a Facebook message that we can forget it now if I don't see why I should apologize :) No Linda I don't see why I should apologize when you lied to me that day. So sorry?

Regarding Fan hmm. It's been a real roller coaster all along. Many things came out on the surface in the past. I should be really disappointed and angry. I was but there are always two sides to everything. I do feel things can become a lot better and clearer now that were honest. It's like a boulder fell off when the lies don't heavy on the relationship anymore. We have been through so much, there should be a point when it's enough and things turn good again :| I can't count anymore how many times we (I) broke up. But the situation is a bit different now. It's no more the little time he has, or our stupid arguments or audi that threaten our relationship anymore, not even his lies, cause I forgave him. I wonder if his mom really will not like me. But then again which mom likes the guys gf straight from begin. :| I don't wanna break up for good. No one ever meant more for me & I never forgave anyone this much or stayed with anyone for this long. It's over a year now. So dear God up there even tho I know we don't really have a good relationship with each other, you have always been mean to me! So you could help me out this one time lol.

I should start to sleep again as well...The past 4 days I slept between 2-4 hours each day. It's too much on me already. >< Need a break! But I want to spend more time with baby and then I have to stay awake longer into night, cause he's not awake in the mornings like I am. Mornings are bad, waiting for Fan to wake up cause I want to talk with him when I miss him. That's what I'm doing now, so I'm keeping myself entertained till he wakes up.

It should be 15th already! I have big plans with this months paycheck :))) I have a feeling for this month, thanks to special occasions, I will run out of money way too quick again. But for good things. Not just myself.

Ah I don't know what to write anymore, and it's only 9am so far! Help...tiredness, boredom...bad combination.

And I should get a common idea of what I need to do when I wanna visit London. Or even move there. I don't even know how it is with my insurance...I mean in case smth happens to me in there lol. Would be...bad. Yes. I'm actually pretty excited, I never agreed to go anywhere (I still do am scared of flying...)...But them I'm sure I'll have a great time there. And I stop rambling now finaly. So bbye~