Lately I have been contemplating my own actions and how I waver between decisions. It's easy to act strong, as if nothing had happened and even if something happened then you're loooong over it. But it's also not easy in the same time.

I wanted to become a strong girl, but I think I miscalculated what 'strong' means. Clearly I was trying to punish the people who did this to me and it takes more than one person to break me. And I was trying to replace the people. And cover up for the loneliness by seeking attention from people, who I actually don't want to spend my time with. With that alone I can tell that I did become stronger, simply cause I now don't seek unnecesarry attention from people, I can pass time very well on my own. On other hand, I don't trust anyone anymore. I trust no one to actually really be my friend and actually stay my friend.

So strong... strong is not to cover up and try to replace and forget. Strong is to accept it as part of who you are, keeping it in the back of your mind and reminding urself of the possibility being there that everyone can and (most definitely) will betray you. But even through that fact, not giving up on trying and hoping. That's what I define with the word strong. Now that's what I did until now. Trying and hoping. Now it's up to fate. Either it will grant you those true friendships and maybe relationships for the hope. Or in my case it might send more people to betray you to probe you. And then when you're torn and possibly beyond repair. When you really give up and stop trying... Well then what...That I don't know. It's clearly running in a circle.

But I did learn some valuable lessons.

1. No more internet relationships, ever. Way more cons than pros.

2. No more trusting anyone, ever. It just doesn't pay back unless the people PROVE that their worth your trust.

And actually I think I grew to the decision that I want no more relationship in any close future of at least a few years. I won't find anyone anyway, so might just as well stop longing for a man that would fill the empty void and protect you from harm. Still every girl is longing, not even I can not. So my decision is kinda...don't search, let urself be found.

Today I read a status on Facebook. It read "When you forgive people it's cause you still want them in your life." Now this made me contemplate why I still talk to Fan. Honestly speaking I don't trust him the least, he never brought anything good to me. Do I want him in my life, do I not? Being absolutely honest with myself, either as a boyfriend or not at all. And since I decided that I absolutely CANNOT ever date that guy anymore in my life. It would lead to the decision that (even through maybe still a bit want him in my life) most of my being just want's to get rid of every possible memory stored in my head. I got rid of any bits of love I might have had for him. That's one thing for sure which I am very pleased with, no lies. But even the slightest bits of his attention kill my mood. I especially hate to listen anything about his life. I really don't care the least what hes doing at any moment. The lost love doesn't hurt, what does hurt is the deepest betrayal I ever experienced. And that cannot be forgotten,forgiven or ignored or in any way made up for.

The real reason why I haven't deleted him completely by now is just cause I'm not ready yet. I just wish to torment him a little bit more, but along of tormenting him im tormenting myself and lowering myself on his level. I just wish he would finaly leave me be, so I can go through 1-2 week of him not being deleted but not talking to him at all. So it's the bastards fault for me not being able to fully get over and close the chapter. After all a girl IS flattered when a guy just can't get over her. -.- And that's the wrong way of thoughts, cause he became absolutely unneeded in my life. His presence serves no other purpose than to torture me. Really have to delete my MSN in the shortest time. Then I can finaly accept my life as it is now and concentrate on other things.