Dear blog~ Hmm... what to tell you, today I'm not really in a good mood at all. Actually dunnoe whats wrong. Guess I feel lonely today. Was playing audi for a moment. And it's been 12days since I last spoke to Fan and ignored his last sms. I packed all of the stuff I got from him into a package and it's ready to be send back to England. Well... I also talked to Ryan the past 2 days, not that it gives me anything really. He has no intentions to be anything with me so. Hmm... Nothing to write really, too uneventfull and boring.

Dear blog~~~ I've been doing well lately. Parents still gone, so I spent my weekend mostly going out with the dog, cleaning up, shopping and watching anime and korean dramas. All in all I guess I have a regular life. Working and going out with my colleagues, from time to time seeying my friends and attending to household. It's nothing special tho. But it's peacefull. I'm peacefull. A bit boring yes, but at least no bad excitement. Speaking of cleaning... I should clean up geez... but I'm so lazy sigh. Tired or over eaten... I've gained weight zzz ._.' healthy for me yes, but ... but.... now I have nothing to brag about really duh sigh. Oh well I guess I go get a coffee maybe and do some cleaning up . Saranghae Bbye~

Also...there was something else I wanted to talk about. Hmm recently I realised Ryan has a new girlfriend. I never talked to him anymore since he started comming back to MSN like 2-3 weeks ago. And he also never wrote. Recently the statuses are getting really obvious. I also know that my second real life boyfriend has a girlfriend for over a year. It's funny watching my past lovers getting in new relationships. I was very bitter over my 2nd real life ex, but I'm really happy for Ryan. Althrough maybe a bit sad too, since I'm all alone. But I guess I'm slowly ok with being alone. I slowly wish to stay alone. Maybe just cause I'm still too scared to be hurt again heh... sad I know. But this scar was really a deep one. I guess it all ended. Everything ended the moment I kissed another guy and told myself that this is the end and gave up. Now there are only things left like changing this blog's adress. There isn't anybody close enough to me who deserves to know this much intimate knowledge about me. Guess will change it before the next time I decide to blog something. I should prolly delete Amy and Chung from Facebook too. And still need to go post to send some things away from my room. Like they say disappear from eyes disappear from the heart too. I don't need anybody who doesn't need me. I don't need anybody who doesn't need me. I repeat this sentence in my mind over and over again if I get weak for a moment. It always makes me sane again. I'm glad for this life that was given to me. Hardships and betrayal taught me more valuable lessons in life than school ever could. Well guess I go do something else now o.o'

Bbye blog~

Hi again~ ... This morning 6am my parents left and I went back to sleep till I had to wake up for work. Hmm... sort of lonely now. Only left with dog and cat. Althrough I asked parents to take the dog with them cause I dont have the time and energy to be going out with him and taking care of him, but now I'm glad they kept him here. I'm always scared when I'm alone at home ... That's why the last years if I was left alone at home I always had someone to stay with me... but this time I'm all alone. If something happens to me there isn't anyone to notice. I've always been paranoid. I'm always scared. I'm a scary cat... since the time someone broke in our house or I did something and my consciousness was bad. ._.' Hmm.... alone home till tuesday. What will I do all alone here... hmm

Hiii again dear blog o.o' been busy lately to update! But tomorrow morning my parents leaving to visit grandma!!! So I have the house ALL for myself for the WHOLE WEEKEND! Yipee o-o Well a tiny bit sad, cause this was supposed to be the time Fan would visit? But oh well. I have a new theory on this issue. Is it too cruel to be looking forward till I get rid of my parents for a few days? Lol...

Hi again dear blog, like every so often. Toooday o.o I was at work of course, the girl was listening on my calls again and was picking up herself while i coached her. Also I stopped with all the coffee I've been drinking, it became unhealthy to my stomach. Hmm I downloaded a new anime named Angel Beats! so gonna watch it in the next few days. I've been also thinking that I should start playing audi again but only like...when I have everything else done and possibly with a new account cause too many sad things are bound together with the old account and also it's too high of a lvl and I became quite noob over the time so... yea... Well, I think I'll go cinema with Thai tomorrow and swimming with Karol at some point this summer. Since we cleared the relationship stuff I can keep him as a friend, althrough I'm not sure I can put up with his behaviour since he's so into himself, that it hurts my ears to listen to him and I have to roll my eyes all the time lol. Guess I have to get used. Also I was thinking of buying a new perfume by Yves Saint Laurent - Parisienne, but err not sure if I buy it this month or when I use all the other ones, since it's possibly goddamn overpriced here so... Yea. Well. Hmm... I guess that's it. See ya ~~

Hi dear blog... Hmm... I just figured out my obsession with trying to figure things out, and when I'm at peace for a while I wonder what's wrong and what happened with me that I'm not thinking over things. Yes, I was quite at peace the past few days. Well since thursday maybe. I wonder how my poor broken heart is doing. Maybe that's all I needed to prove myself that I'm indeed independent? Can't deny I refuse relationship with that guy but his attempts weren't that ... erm ... unpleasant. Ok, older men know what their doing but whatever. That's not what I wanted to be writting about. Actually I wish to forget about it as fast as possible. If anyone knew I would be embarassed to death, he's just not on my level... yes I'm superficial, I'm not sorry for that. Looks matter, I'm sorry, you need to face it, they do. You can't date someone who is absolutely unattractive to you, no matter how awesome his personality might be or how good of a kisser he is, or that he with luck guessed just what you like the most... *cough* erm yea. Anyway, he's fine as a friend and I'll deny that that day ever happened. As I said to him it was his 'Once in a lifetime opportunity' and I'm staying at that.

Hmm, work wasn't that awesome lately. We have new coach, new Team Leader, new members... The coach is quite nice I guess, but that's it she doesn't even know what we're doing really lol even through she came from CusCare. The new TL is trying out her new power and forcing people to do stuff, she's also quite nice but not nice to have as a boss. She now controlls us and gives vacation to too many people at once and then wonder how come our Service level drops when we're picking up call after call at the point of psychical collaps. She doesn't even speak any german, or else I would tell her to go pick the damn phone herself, when she gave everyone holidays.

And the girl I'm coaching... spoiled little brat with mental age of highest 16... She's such a kid for christs sake, she's half a year younger than me but mental age like 5 years below. She's kept throwing her pencil at the table when she didn't understand something, she kept drawing stuff into her notebook instead of paying attention, she kept going through my magazines, she kept opening MY drawer to borrow MY stuff (which I wouldn't mind if she at least bothered to goddamn ask), she got angry when I told her that she shall NEVER again drink something while having the headset on and a customer on her line unless she has mute on. Her reply was 'If I can't hear myself then they can't hear me either' and then she was throwing tantrums. Her computer is right behind mine, so she just pulls her part of the cable and goes do stuff on her computer... just simply impossible, I can't wait that from monday I'm rid of her and she call's herself and since she never paid attention, she doesn't know anything. Too bad for her. Gonna enjoy it.

What goes for my psychics... hmm... I wonder if I'm cured of my heartbreak now. As I don't feel anything. But also an empty heart can't love anyone new either. It's like so long long ago. I still would prefer the break up to never occur. But I guess it's a lesson for me to learn. Better to find out sooner than later. Althrough no one can stop the sort of thoughts like 'Maybe if I visited, maybe if his mom saw me, maybe if we didn't argue...maybe maybe maybe' He himself said I wasn't good for him, cause apparently I'm a crazy jealous monster. Erm... yea, right. Well sorry in the end I had all right to be jealous, since he wasn't a guy to be trusted. I guess it's possibly really over now. Can't deny that I kissed the other guy to block my own way back. I made out with him to finaly break the ties. Even through I have no intention of dating him, he cured me for the moment. I just dread the moment I need some 'curing' from him again...

Previous post - Nope can't do afterall... scared - nervous - stomach pain = not looking forward

Dear blog...I can't sleep again. Maybe it's cause I already slept from 8pm till 1am...maybe it's cause my head is full with thoughts. I... guess 3months of being single was enough. I really do need that type of closeness again, just really slowly need to resort it from one source to another. There are still many images burned inside of my mind of my past...a lot of what's already been. I have only this much strenght to wait for roughly 3months. Tomorrow... I guess I can make it dramatic and see if one of the shooting stars grants me my wish... Maybe it's gonna be better than I thought. He knows what hes going into with me. I never had a guy admire me this much, accept me the way I am with the mistakes I made and deal with my past. I will see if I can get past appearances and make the best out of it. I'm actually scared... I didn't have a boyfriend in real for 3 years? ... It's so long ago. I'm also excited through... but still scared. Give another man the power to do the same thing to me that happened the last time. Sigh...I can't show this to him ever. Feels like I plan on using him to get me through this. Not that he didn't offer it more than willingly... Sounds so unromantic... I prolly didn't think the same tho when I took that rose from him.

Hmm dear blog... I haven't been posting regularly anymore since a very long time... Actually I wanted to keep away from blogging certain things, but then again I'm a bit lazy to be writting my diary in paper form...

Hmm...I do have mood periods...for a while it's fine, then when you think it's gonna stay good and your over everything that makes you sad, you collapse into being really miserable...then after it's fine for a while again. But hmm... it's not the same as 3months ago anymore. I won't be writting anything special here, writting some things here already backstabbed me in the past. I'm actually really confused myself and probably just rambling around.

I refused to meet with Karol since tuesday... that guy sure has high hopes, since he dared to attempt to kiss me in public, more so in front of my house, during daylight, while waiting for a stupid tram. How pathetic god... -.-' Thank's god I'm good at dodging since I already had many opportunities to train that with Thai.

Well don't have much to say really... So I'll end it with a song and lyrics.

Inna – Do You

I went back in time so many times, when we were two. Even though I know that you forgot, you forgot about us. It’s sad without you, when you’re not here. Thinking about my memories makes me cry, makes me hope. I have a single question,do you?Do you know how it hurts when I always look at you? Do you?Or is it only me who knows that. Whenever I see your face,do you?Do you know how it hurts when I always look at you?Do you?Or is it only me who knows that. Whenever I see your face.I waited so many nights.My soul is empty. Whether you don’t want or can’t come back now,looking up at the sky I have only one thought…I’m still waiting you,hoping you will be back soon.

Dear blog... I feel like vomitting sigh... Yesterday as well... Not that I ate something bad or anything like that... Yesterday I just cried to the point that my throath tightened and I felt like vomitting. I don't understand, anything. Anything at all. I didn't know something can make me this sad.

Now I know what I should do, but I don't know what I want to do. I'm too scared of a new relationship, I don't love that guy. I just... consider him an option cause he's nice.

I wonder how thing's can be so similar. The situation I'm in I've been in already numerous times, but never have I been so heartbroken in it. I... really did everything. I would do anything. And yet even if all of it failed, I don't want to give up. Althrough I have been with that guy on numerous dates, I kept it friendly cause I didn't want to anyhow block my way back. I don't really want any other guy touching me to be absolutely honest...it gives me the creeps...

But I sort of got partly what I wanted... I somehow managed to make Fan talk to me again, even through I haven't lied. I really thought about giving up and starting new and wanted him to be there cause I'm scared. But the moment I said it I realised giving up hope...is the one thing I cannot do. I don't want to do. I failed and cried miserably for 2 hours. I'm not sure if it's bad or not though. I felt worried when I didn't feel the need to cry.

But I don't want to not even be able to talk to him... that's probably the priority. But... I don't want to give up. Sigh... I wan't to go back in time...