Memento

Hi again dear blog~... Just woke up after a 3hours nap. Hmm...it's been...interesting at work...A lot of gossip about yesterdays party and what everyone did and said when they were drunk lol. And a lot of discussion about that guy...Whole office was curious about which high rank guy been openly asking me to date him in front of half Dell... Not sure I like it. Didn't really need to spread THIS around. Not into the whole office at least. Been with him on a coffee today, on the top roof of Dell. He asked me out again, first for friday, then for weekend, then even that we could take someone 3rd with us when I declined all the previous offers. ~.~ The non hetero colleague of mine been even trying to convince me to give him a try... Guess no one can say a bad word about this guy, everyone likes him. But to be honest, I like his personality, I like his interests and everything but... his looks. I know I'm super superficial, but you can't date a guy you're not attracted to at all. Not like he would be offended by this, he would go straight shopping with me and let me choose clothes and have me choose a perfume that I would like on him. I wonder why all the guys try to speed it up so much. This is the third guy I'm maybe about to refuse. All of them just because they been way too hasty and freaked me out. But this guy also downloaded audition and likes it... like lol... audition! If I weren't so superficial I might have a great relationship now...

Dear blog... Since I'm quite drunk I'll keep it short. Well I still vaguely remember this guy asking me if I give him a chance and date him, I also vaguely remember him stroking my hair for quite a while seeming like he really enjoys it. I also remember him almost throwing this other guy over when he allowed himself to touch me. He's been also fanning me with the menu list for the whole night cause I've been hot. And he also been bringing me drinks. He's also very funny, he's nice and all my colleagues seemed to enjoy his presence. Even I have to admit he's a perfect gentleman, we have the same interests, he even downloaded audition for me, he earns good money at dell, he's good to his parents, he's perfect... Now why am I so unhappy about a perfect man wanting me...

Hiii dear blog *-* Just came home from work and shopping~~~ Guesssss what o.o' Today that guy wrote me on my work communicator. And we practically talked the whole day at work. And went out for lunch together lol... He was nervous as hell as well which just increased his communication skills, but that's fine at least I got to eat in peace while he was talking Lol. He also brought me anime to watch at work and home lmao. Started with XXX Holic even if it's not exactly the newest one. And I already have an invitation for sushi from him lol... can't refuse free sushi. Also he's way over my level at work... Maaaybe... just maaaybe it could be something lol.

End of blog~ *goes watch anime*

And he works in Dell too... Call it fate...

Omg Omg I met the absolute most fitting guy for me! Black hair, black eyes, likes anime, works and is slovak *-*Speaks german and english as well. Ok let's look away from the fact that hes 29... still lol and he goes to AnimeCon! I love how one day can change everything! :3 Now let's see...if this guy is something for me.

Good evening blog~ Just woke up from an afternoon nap of 4hours lol. Dying from tiredness at work recently. Still I love to be at work if not many people are calling. Today we had lots of cakes and cookies from a colleagues wedding. So I was pigging out lol. Hmm... I also kinda got addicted to sushi lately...Ok maybe I ate it just twice, but I find myself craving it almost everyday. But who would spend that much money on it each day lol. Eating sushi in worth of 10euro (the least) each day is a pain for my wallet lol. I also watched Slayers done, all of the episodes. Now I only have to make myself continue my Fanfiction. It annoys me that I can't find the will or inspiration to continue it. I wonder why I suddenly lost all of it. I also started to buy Hello Kitty stuff...? I could say that my transformation is complete.

It feels like a lot of things have happened. It feels like some sesions of my life were so far far ago. I wonder how much time it's really been. It's also a few months ago that I got this job. Definitely changed my life. Now unlike before I go out every single day, I have friends to spend the day with and I like to go work (unless like I mentioned too many people call). I'm also single which means I can invest all of my time into myself only. Also found out that I won't find a normal slovak guy who would share my interests. I guess I'm seriously destined to date asian guys for the rest of my life lol. Suits me best. I just don't find slovak guys attractive. Sort of. Maybe even if not asian probably not slovak through lol. Ok well maybe I shouldn't say never. There is never a never. But like, I got so many guys lined if I wanted lol. In any case, I figured out I shouldn't waste my time with 'giving guys a chance' if I'm not really into them from begin with. Will spare me a lot of time and effort. Why should I put so much effort into a relationship where the man wanted me first. They should work hard to convince me that they're good boyfriends. Lol. If nothing else then I learned to love myself over everyone else around me. No one else is worth it. You only have to live with yourself for the rest of your life. So you can just as well make it as interesting as possible for yourself. And being the prolly prettiest girl on the whole floor does spice things up a little bit. (Ok, or let's say one of the prettiest)

Hi dear blog. Geez I'm so tired. I'm always tired mondays after the sleep regime change over weekend. So was dying at work and then once I finished work, Klaudia called me over to Aupark for sushi. So after checking out 3 phone numbers I got a cab that was available on Obchodna and went there. Then I took a whole plate of sushi along with sweet sour soup lol...Ok maybe the soup consistency isn't exactly to my liking but I'm fine eating sushi. I actually was craving some when I got from work. Klaudia just read my mind lol somehow... Then we girls went for some shopping lol and I got these Hello Kitty things... I dunnoe since when I go "awww" at Hello Kitty stuff?... Maybe my metamorphone into an asian girl is complete now... apart from the slanted eyes.

So there is... a Hello Kitty purse mirror, Raspberry Hello Kitty Lip Gloss, Hello Kitty Body Splash Exotic Fruit and Hello Kitty Eye Shadow Pallete with 4 adorable eye shadows (that probably don't last long). It was kind of a waste of money but all of this together was like just... 11 Euro? I spend more money on the sushi stuff lol...

And so... then we went for coffee and I got driven home, went out with the dog right after and then went shower. And here I am now. Have to do some proper shopping tomorrow tho. Need to buy some face products and stuff...Nivea sucks horribly. Those things are so perfumed it doesn't do me good at all. Oh well tomorrow work 8am... Won't get much sleep again. But still I was out, I had fun and I'm glad I didn't just sit home the entire evening when I could go out. So yea... proud of myself. Oh well~ Bbyes~

Hmm hi again. I wonder if it's possible to become disgusted with the whole male race. Cause I just find all of the guys (and honestly since the past ten months, I could have at least *counts* 6 of them) disgusting right now. They're creeping me out, I don't find them attractive at all. I just don't want to be around them, don't want to talk to them. They bore me. I feel sick if anyone starts giving me compliments. I think they're all fake. They lie. They're unnecesarry. I can be on my own. I also prolly will. I'm fine alone. All alone lol. Who would think so. Me who was depressed over the lack of company. I actually am depressed by all the attention they give me. They ruin the game. They're hasty and try to hurry it up. I felt happy until I was writting with this guy today. He's so damn boring. He's also fish from zodiac, he's just BORING! Geez... sigh. -_-' Is it possible to feel sick to your heart lol? If yes then I do. Feels contamined with disgust and hatred. Mostly disgust. -_-' Oh well, I'm more happy from my work than male attention. It just serves to boost my ego.

Hi again dear blog! I just have to share this with you! I just did the most awesome and the most inexpensive shopping ever! Got an awesome new make up Dermacol Filmstudio Barrandow Praque Make-Up Cover, it's waterproof, has SPF30 is hypoallergenic, it's absolute full coverage, it's the right pale shade for my skin and it cost me...... whole....... 4,61Euro -.-' wtf... Never switching this make up again. Ok, I just really had to share this. Unbelievable how much money i wasted for bad make ups in the past when czechs do a proper make up, of the quality of high class brands for just silly 4,61Euro -.-'''

Also the weather finally cooled off. It's a nice 23grades today with strong (but not cold) wind. Absolutely awesome chilly weather after all the hot days in the past week! Well o.o I guess I quit my rambling here lol. Bbyes

Hi again dear blog~ Guess what I just took myself and went out at 11pm with Adam for some Kofola (in my case Caffee Latte) and we talked in a pub outside till 00:30am then went to McCafe for cake and chocolate till 1am and just talked about stuff. Was really nice since the weather is cooling off. And I feel a lot more sane right now. To be honest I don't know what to think about what happened. I don't know if I should think that it was my imagination if the guy isn't there in the morning anymore. I will check again around 5am or so when the sunlight is clear and I can see stuff again. I don't know what I'll do when I see him either...Maybe it was just some object looking similar to a person, with my bad eyesight and headache at that time maybe I didn't see correct. In any case I never thought I would have to deal with thinking I have hallucinations this young. I don't know what to think about dad not seeying the person, when I saw him clearly. If it's there till the morning and my parents see nothing again I think I go check my health as soon as possible. I definitely don't want to end up being psycho in my early twenties. Althought I dunnoe how to explain this happening to me. I was actually being really calm and happy lately. Maybe I was supressing too much stress? Maybe sadness? Maybe heat stroke? Or fatamorgana? I don't know really, it's been freakish. Althrough I don't feel scared in my room, but I am scared to go look again and see if it's there or not... I plan on gripping to reality anyway. Geez I know I have been talking about dying a lot and how life is worthless cause nothing good been happening to me, but really God no need to send me ghosts and hallucinations to send me to grave earlier. In a way I love life and I want to see what else it has in store for me ~.~ Please God just let it be come object looking like a man from a far... please. Or I have to deal with dead people and ghosts or hallucinations. I don't want to. Also I'm all alone on this. Even the only person I thought I could tell about this without them declaring me for blind or stupid made jokes about it. Thanks Fan, really didn't help. In times like this you see who's worth your time and whos not. Do i have to crawl over and beat the shit out of some stalker pervert peeking into my room? -_-' Where is my baseball bat... sigh...

Dear blog... I'm sort of really creeped out. I just wanted to take a breath of air outside on the balcony and then I saw a guy on the rooftop of that new build house starring into our kitchen creepingly...At first I looked at him, like really looked, giving him the notice that I saw him and that whatever pervert he is, he should go hide...but he doesn't move one inch at all.... No matter how many times i looked he just still stands there the same way. And when I called my dad to tell him about it, I pointed at him told him where exactly and he saw nothing? ... Please God let me wake up cause this is too creepy. I don't want to have hallucinations like my mom did...I'm really quite scared...quite a lot...even if it were a real person, what human being can not move at all for this long...

Hi again blog...I somehow stopped posting on a daily basis during work...Maybe I should start again? Geez so bored... seriously. But damn lazy and tired to do anything productive in this heat. Also my head hurts from the lack of oxigen...Can't wait for tomorrow's rain, like honestly. This heat is really impossible...I love summer for christs sake, but this weather is so... over the top omg. Tropical, humid, just plain crazy. This is not afrika for egypt for christs sake, this is middle europe. And its like 28grades celsius during night as well...It never freaking cools off! T__T And hmm...I'm at a loss of what to do. Today I just noticed I haven't been really talking to Fan this previous week either. Guess it didn't bother me since I only noticed now somehow. Oh well too busy putting up with other men. With a few despos...I wonder if one of them is at least decent. I doubt the guy at work is decent... He just seems like everything has to be his way and I can't find a proper conversation with him. That's what you get for telling a Software Technician your name, when he chats you up in the kitchen -_-' Your dumb Monika dumb! You should have run with your coffee lol... Sigh...things have changed. Somehow I feel it's all different. Work...Private life... Guys that approach me. I remember this guy at work said "You're way more than the average, I'm surprised you talk to me." Yea I'm surprised too I talked to him... Sigh... What do I do. So bored.

Yesterday a colleague was on my computer, after her shift ended, talking to a british guy. Then later on he called my phone line and asked me to put him through to Cust Care and said I have a soft voice and easy on the ears lol...Then when my shift ended he was walking by, the named colleague went to talk to him and the british guy pointed at me and asked if thats me... no idea which way I'm supposed to take it but... Yea...

Then a few guys write me over internet...Dunnoe I think I might actually have found someone on my wave lenght yesterday, since the conversation was fluent and I actually had fun talking to him. But yea... hmm...

Geez Moni find a hobby. Testing out men is not a sport (even thought you might win)

Also the last two days I saw Ryan online on MSN, however he didn't write me and I also didn't write him so... But still surprised. Hmm... I guess I should start doing something. Maybe make myself a strong coffee and watch some anime...Or do some cleaning? Or go shop?... I actually havent spend more than 40euros since I got paid and thats 3 days ago... And from that 15 euros were on the asian restaurant and 15 were on shoes and then just some groceries like shower gel and cat food...

Now I remember I woke up from a nightmare...I dont really remember what it's been about anymore, I think I and some other people were travelling or got lost...then I only remember we got stopped by some guy asking if we understand chinese. Then that guy showed me a picture of a missing-lost-dead (no idea) guy... then I only remember being really sad, to the point that I felt so overhelmed by sadness, that my chest felt so heavy it pulled me out of sleep. -_-' Creepy I know...no idea what that sort of dream is supposed to tell me. I don't usually have dreams that convert into real physical pain. -_-'

Oh well I guess I quit my rambling here and like... do something. Whatever. Just something (that preferably makes me cooler). ~.~

BBye~

Hiiii again blog I know I've been neglecting you again but yea. Had nothing to write really but erm...now I really fucking wonder why I have to be attracting such despo psycho type of guys with self-esteem problems. Like that Jozef guy from Facebook. He was so clear on the topic from begin with that he wants me that it wasn't pretty anymore. It ruined the whole game. And I had no interests anyway. And when I delete that guy (cause seriously I don't need any despos) I catch the attention of another one in work? Like hell, come on give me a break. At least send a normal guy my way or don't send me any. But not these creeps, that are oozing the desperateness to get me, from begin. I honestly don't like, when someone just starts hitting on me from begin on and starts being very obvious when he doesn't even know me. It mean's the guy goes purely for the looks and I really don't need that kind of guys around me. Of course it's flattering that they like my looks, but if we can't even enjoy a normal conversation, then it has no sense at all. And I can't find a normal conversation with this guy, so... and he's just so plain obvious it ruins the whole fun and creeps me out. Over before it already began. So GOD!@ Either a NORMAL guy or NO guy... I'm in no mental shape to cure low self-esteem and desperation.

Hi hi~ Hmm what's on my mind right now hmm. I'm having a coffee in my between-cleaning break. Did some laundry so far and part of kitchen. And so.. yeah. Cleaning weekend. Won't be doing it during week I believe. So hmm ... well, it's July now. Already summer break. I was wondering what I want to do about my school stuff for next year. Time I sit down and do a little research on my possibilities soon. This month would be best. Well I applied for two days of work during saturday so far, so I get 2 extra days off. Will do a bit more saturday working so I can be taking some days off when I need it for school maybe. And after all being home all day long doesn't do me good. Other people relax and I just end up being lazy to do anything and as result of that I end up being horribly bored. And then get a lot of crazy thoughts. Oh and did I tell you? This month I still have some money left lol and didn't waste it all in the first 2 weeks. But gonna waste it this week anyway, when I pay the internet bill (70euros yay,... that's what I get for being lazy to pay it each month) and I ordered a pair of beautifull silver earing with amethysts in them! They're absolutely gorgeous! They're gonna compliment my brown hair. Yes, I'm definitely dying it back. Now I just have to think over if I do it myself at home or go to my hairdresser and pay big money. She's gonna be so happy to find out I'm going to dye it right back brown lol... 120Euros gone on this blond hair. Which doesn't really...well it DOES suit me, but brown compliment's my complexion way more. Everyone said so. I think so as well. So no point putting more money into dying this blond hair. And brown is a lot more elegant. Which is what I am. A lady lol. I also thought that around this time last year I was renovating the whole house, cause Fan was supposed to visit. It was a great summer through. Just relaxing, enjoying the summer (even tho I refused to even go out into that heat last summer), I was trying out my natural given cooking skills lol... Cleaning and everything, having long walks with the dog. Was great indeed. I sort of plan on repeating it this summer as well. Simply cause it's been great last year I guess. Parent's should be leaving at 16th august, which is Monday...Hmm they could leave on 14th. Actually no idea when they leave really, they don't know themselves and so I can't organize it either. But they could leave on 14th and I would take maybe.. additional 3 days off during the week and work it back with saturdays. Wouldn't kill me, a few days off work with company. It can't be all that complicated. Just really need to stop trying manipulate things and stick to your beliefs. And accept the situation and look at the benefits of it. Have to block out the fact of how we got here. The 1 year of lies and betrayal and that it was originaly ment to be just a fling for sex. Can't change the past. Such things happen to me. I guess what he said yesterday was true. So many options none of them right, you just have to choose one that brings you the most benefits and stick to it, without regrets. And I can get benefits from keeping him around. Cutting him out of revenge doesn't really give me any benefits. But it's easier said than done, I know I will have hard times and swaying back on my decisions again. Everyone does.

Well what I was saying before. People should stick to their beliefs. Life is all about choices. You have a choice in everything. I used to be such an optimistic happy kid goddamnit. Lol...People close to me got me so damn down, it's unbelievable.

Good afternoon o.o' I just decided I'll dye my hair back to brown very soon. Blond does sort of suit me, but brown is just the best. Today I'm in on some relaxing and cleaning. This house really needs some throughrough cleaning finaly. I should really start with my own room. I always clean other rooms but forget about my own zzz. Hmm... well, I played some AudiEu today. I also tried to write another chapter of my fanfic, but it's hopeless. Just no inspiration what so ever. I guess I can get back to it at some point. Doesn't necesarrily have to come out whole at once. Any idea why I openned this new post? I don't really have much to write actually. Guess I end it here o.o' I go finish my cup of water ( I'm throughroughly hydrating! ) and then go start my cleaning stuff with good music. :) Need to get my mind off things finaly.

Hi again blog blog... Hmm well I've been at work till 8pm. From 7pm till 8pm I got a visit from a colleague from the main central. Well he quit at 7pm and spend the time just talking to me there. Then after work we invited me for coffee, so I thought why not. And went to this pizzeria on Obchodna and talked... and talked. And then went on a walk under the Michael's gate and round around Tesco and back to Obchodna again. So I basically got home at 10pm sort of. But I really envy this guy. He has clear in everything, he's happy and in peace with everything. Believing in the greater good and karma, and that what you give to the universe will come back to you. Maybe it's a bit over the top, but it's the sort of thinking I would really like to have myself.

The little stupid confused me. Who changes mind every half second. I really do change mind in half a second. It's simply because... it's so complicated. There are so many choices, so many opportunities, so many possibilities... And neither one of them ends good. They're all painfull,sad and hard to get through with. I have been going through them all. Waiting for a wonder maybe? A wonder within myself, a wonder from outside. That maybe I will accept the situation as it is and wont be saddened by it, or won't be trying to manipulate things secretly or hoping for anything. But I can't. I just keep lying to everyone and to myself as well. It's not really lies, it's not the truth either. Or it's all true and partly lies? It's how I feel things for that moment. But it's so hard to keep any of those choices up. That's the reason why what I say often contradicts. I realise myself. I don't know myself which of those is the real truth. It's all true. It's all what I feel. My emotions are that complicated and contradicting. That's the important fact. They change by the second. I don't know what to do about it anymore. I can't settle my mind on anything. I need someone else to decide really, but I won't be happy with either decision the person makes. I go from wanting to stay close friends to wanting to kick him completely out of my life and I honestly want both.

But what I want most maybe, is that none of this would ever happen. But that's also not true, cause I also wanted all of this to happen. I just didn't want it to end maybe? Is it good when you through that much complicated pain? The time was nice, while it lasted. Or would you rather have it not happen at all, so you don't end up in this painless and complicated situation? But then you wouldn't have all the pretty stuff happening either. I'm just rambling for myself I think. Each time when I'm at the verge of tears, I write this much. Just to put it black on white, so maybe it would suddenly start making sense? Crying isn't really bad. But it's not often when I'm so angry with the world and myself, that it feels like someone is holding my throath and choking me. When I feel that I'm so angry that I can't speak. Yea I prolly can't get out a single word now if I tried to speak.

So back to topic... what's the ultimate truth Monika. Maybe you should answer yourself some questions. Let's try to answer some questions honestly then.

1.Why do you change your mind so often and can't settle on any decision?

2.Why did you really do, what you did in that park?

3. What is it that you really really want?

4.Why did you turn on your MSN, when only today you said you want to cut him out of your life and gonna delete MSN?

5.Why didn't you change your blog adress and let him read all these private thoughts of yours?

Answers:

1.Because I don't like either one option. Simple as that. I change my mind as I try out the options, see what works and what doesn't work. And honestly nothing works. It's all just trying to convince myself that it's fine the way it is, but it's not. Guess I live in denial.

2.Partly cause I wanted to test myself. See if it does something with me, see if I feel disgusted or good. To test the other persons determination and feelings as well. Partly cause I may still love him, althrough I don't feel hurt about the break up. I think my whole "I'm over you." was really only "I'm over the pain you caused me by the break up." It's been the same. It all felt the same as before, simply with the fact that I kept in my mind that we're not together. It was on my mind all that time. Maybe I did it cause I thought it would change something. Maybe I thought that it would move something inside of him? I also did it cause I missed the closeness. It's not the same from anyone else. It had to be him. He's the only person who's embrace would make me feel better for that moment at least. But all of this is so self-destructive. It felt good for the moment, it helped me to restore at least a bit of that emptiness. But now... I feel awfull. And I feel good at times. I thought so much that I overthought it.

3.I just wanted to have my little relationship. One that was far from perfect, but perfect by not being perfect. I put everything into it. Now that I put everything into it and got nothing back, I feel really drained. I feel that I want to have a relationship, but I don't dare to go into a relationship risking that I end this hurt again. So then again I don't want a relationship. I feel like I want to have friends, but on the other hand I feel like I can't trust anyone. So all the atempts, I just evade and stample them as superficial. So I want to have friends, but I sort of don't want to have anyone around me that can betray me again. Do I want that much? Friend's that won't betray me and love that won't only hurt?

4. Cause I'm naive and sort of believing that he changes his mind again? Even tho I don't want to go through all of this again. But I also want to, the same as I don't want to. Cause I'm weak and scared. After all there is a reason why he is the only person who is allowed to read all of this stuff I write here. I'm so scared of leaving for good. Cause if I figure out that this was a stupid idea, there might be no way back again. Ever. I'm scared that I cross the bridge and then it crumbles down and there is no way back for me. I just like to keep the backdoor open. Which is exactly what I shouldn't do. But I sort of want to. And I also don't want to.

5.My blog, some of these posts, are highly private. It seems no matter how many times he breaks my trust, I will still trust him blindly? And stupidly. I just don't learn. In the first two weeks, I thought that maybe he will see how much he hurt me and change his mind again. And all in all I think... when I'm not ready or not brave enough to tell him something, I just write it here and hope he's clever enough to understand. It never worked through and never will.

And geez I'm no cleverer than before. I'm just more positive about my confusion and all the posibilities, from which I cannot chose. Why do I have to think this far zzz. He never thought about anything, he doesn't care about anything, why me? Why do I have to go through all of this, from everyone around me? No answer to that question. I'm just rambling crap. And nothing make more sense and I still feel no better. Yay...

Hii dear blog o.o I think I may have been neglecting you a bit lately, like my fanfiction. Just not so much into writting lately lol. Needed a break maybe after sweating out 15 pages of fanfiction in Times New Roman, size 11. Soooo yea, I'm back today. I had the day off to spend with Fan after a long long while. Had some time in the nature since we went to the forest almost outside of Brat. Really looots of bugs and bugs... but also sunshine, nature and yea... NATURE! Oh my I haven't seen any park or forest in ... ok park in months for a longer while, but forest... in YEARS. A lot has been going on there lol, well... ok ya a lot. In all possible aspects. But I'll keep that outside of being written here. We also took cable cars to the top and back down... I thought I'm gonna fall out and die... erm, they really looked crappy and unstable, but they actually... ok they looked crappy but they sure were stable. Althrough not many security measures, so if you would want to suicide you could easily undo the safety stuff and jump do your demise, but erm. Yea I don't remember it being wobbly or shaky at all. I think it's been my first time on that thing, definitely outside of skying cable cars and even that was many years ago. Hmm, then we went back to the city center. (Hallelujah, the bugs...) And I had him get me not one, but two coffees! Ok my mood was swinging a bit. I wonder what I've been thinking about. Actually prolly that I realised it's been no coincidence all of what happened. I really wanted all of it. I did miss the closenes and he's the person I wanted it from. And I got it. For a moment I thought where this get's me again and if I'm not risking all of what I went through and sliding back into the old times. But hmm, I guess I can live with myself. Definitely not living in my dreamland of thinking that what happened would make us a couple again. Lol even if he would maybe want I can't imagine how much effort he would have to put into persuading me and proving that I can trust him again. Not that I wouldn't want to be with him, if he never broke up, but really I just shut up. I'm not going into this old thoughts. I can live with myself wanting that closeness. I'm no small girl anymore really. Oh I know, I think part of that mood swing was cause I thought along the lines like 'You should respect urself more than this. Having him break up and giving him exactly why he was with you in the first place.' But honestly, I iniciated it. So w/e. Was fun. Lol

God please tell me why I feel so unhappy with no real reason to zzz. I even DREAM about being caged up and then I wake up in panic...What the hell... =.= Why can't I make ONE proper decision in my life... I will be really tossing coins and forbidding myself to even loose a thought about it. I seriously really hate my trace of thoughts. My mind is full of doubts, I doubt EVERYTHING I think. It's really impossible to go through life with such unstable mind. Like I decided that I want to get rid of this new stalker of mine, but then there is always this back thought that he can be a really nice guy if I give him a chance. The last time I gave someone a chance when I wasn't really in love with them is almost 1year and 2months ago. He did become a nice guy to date when I gave him the chance, one way or another, but our relationship was unhappy and ended with a fiasco. And on the other hand I don't want to date a 28 year old guy, whos obsesses with war and cars, who doesn't really know what anime is (which is a great deal of my personality and life), he can't speak any english as far as I know (and most of my life is enfolding in english) and I don't even really like his looks. Or how desperate he seems to get me... It's supposed to be a game eh, he should know how to deal the cards slowly to make the girl interested and wanting to see what's gonna be next. End of story. Just decide you stupid Monika. You can't never be with a guy, who knows nothing about anime or audition. Who can't speak english fluently and someone who you don't like from his appearance. Plus the person might throw you compliments at each step but he has no charm what so ever. Delete + block. END OF STORY!

Hi blog~ I noticed I blog less and I also gave writting a break for a while. Hmm maybe cause I felt so empty as off lately that I had no inspiration what-so-ever, my life being ... actually, my life is not boring. My ruined life could make a good movie story, along with my ruined love life lol.

But lately... this one guy. Hes being overly honest, presenting his heart on a silver tablet. Before I always liked when guys would be honest and brave enough to admit they felt drawn to me. But erm... dunnoe if it's cause of all the ruined relationships I have behind me, or cause of how I ended up tosses away in my last relationship, or cause I'm scared to start a new one just yet? Whatever the reason is, hes freaking me out...like really freaking me out. Three weeks ago I logged in on one of these online pages, thinking that I should find myself a replacement, but then I changed my mind to think that I gave up searching anything over internet. Then this one guy I barely exchanged few messages with ... well while I was gone he wrote me like 4 times. Now that I gave him my facebook, he spams me messages. Well... he's 28 ok... a bit old maybe. Maybe I don't fancy blond hair and blue eyes either...Ok nevermind the haircolour I just dont fancy hair that short and military stuff. But I doubt he walks like that around in the city. He has a car, he lives in a family house a bit outside of Brat with his parents (omg another guy living with parents) but they're supposed to have pretty flowers in the garden all right...and he's not the type to listen to his parents, thanks got for this trait in slovakian guys. But he can't speak english so far I know, and most of my life is going on in english. But that shouldn't really be a problem or?

He said many many times how pretty I would be, which leads me to the question that he only wants me for my looks. Which would lead towards sex. And I'm not willing to sink that low. That's what I think at least about a guy that want's to date me, without knowing anything about me, my background or my personality. He will regret wanting to date me, cause I look like an angel (in his view), when I smash his head against the wall one day.

He has two older sisters, so I guess a guy that has sisters should know what girls want. Older sisters always teach their little brother lol. He was in military as well, so I guess hes no pussy and knows how to take care of himself and me also.

But er after one day telling me things like he wants to hear my voice, have my phone number and that he want's to spend time with me... give me a break please, slow down a little. -_-'''

So yea... maybe my life isn't that boring after all. Apparently I have no difficulty finding a guy, but it's hard to find a decent one, worth my time, with whom the relationship won't end in a complete fiasco... My, my haven't I grown cautious...

Well apart from all this... it's sunday, guess I have to do some cleaning since I did nothing really yesterday. Slept through the whole day till late afternoon and then was with my Thai till 22:30 or so... Shopping, walking around and having coctails. So... yea all the cleaning is stacked upon today. So much for sunday being even the God's day off, to relax.

Lol dear blog, I have to tell you this. One particular (slovak) guy I met on this online page and added to facebook. Just proposed that he really really likes me and wishes there would be more between us than just friendship lol... not to mention he said i enchanted him lool... so much honesty im speechless o-o' when i least expect it also lol...omg

Sigh Hi blog. It's so damn damn hot outside, even tho I really love summer. I don't like fainting cause I can't catch a proper breath in this humid weather.

Did I mention I'm learning to like myself from begin again? In the past years I was the kind of person that would judge her own worth, by how others saw her. Now that I am separate and alone, I have to judge my worth by myself. That would mean get over my childish complexes of things that I can't change anything about, like my breasts or extremely pale skin. So today I went to work without any stockings or thights. Thats probably the first time I went outside with bare legs wearing a dress or skirt lol... and I managed pretty good, I actually didn't feel ashamed or anything actually. So I'll congratulate myself on this small success. Good job Moni!

I also really started to take good care of my appearance, even more so than before when I had a bf. If someone didn't think that it's possible to take even more care, then it is. I'm the living proof.

But there are other things bothering me. I can't really put my finger on what through. I guess some of this hidden bad feeling is cause it's end of school year, which means everyone is talking about exams and stuff, at work as well, so I get reminded of it a lot. Which means I would feel better if I just apply for this other school already. But I don't really want to omg... I'm actually scared to apply to another school. I kinda don't believe that I can get through to the end of all those 4 years all by myself... Sigh I feel so low. I always channeled my energy on these kind of things from the support I got from the people who loved me. I never was able to do anything alone. Even as a child I always had to have someone escort me everywhere, cause I knew I wouldn't go alone. So I had them come with me, to make sure I go when it was important. I'm scared to fail..... I'm scared what people are gonna think of me and that they're gonna look down on me. I know they have every right, even Fan did lol. But even through I know they have the right to look down on me, that I'm ready and willing to face it. My parent's didn't even ask for this year's school papers. They surely know I quit yet another school. Even I myself am ashamed of myself lol, to the extent that I'm at the verge of tears just cause of thinking about this. That's why I'm scared to face the rest of my relatives. Family love? What's that lol...

Also yesterday... *takes a deep breath* Yesterday again lol. When he mentioned about visiting. I felt nothing at first, I didn't really desire to spend a whole day with him, so I refused to take a day off. But I guess I do wish to see him for a while maybe. I didn't like how he's been talking about it, visiting wien and some forest and who knows what. I don't wish to spend a whole day with him, but I wished he would wan to spend the whole day with me. Althrough I feel no love for him anymore, I'm scared to what extent I rely on him. I just expect him to always want to be with me, that he would want to stay with me and that he would need me. So even tho I didn't really want to spend the day with him, or let's say I didnt know if I should spend the day with him, I was angry and upset about him caring that little. Sigh I didn't feel the need to have him close to me the week before. But ever since I wrote him that sms that I let him stay and started to again fully communicate with him. I slipped back into the previous obsession way too easily. It's scary. I'm scared into getting hurt again like I was the first two weeks after the break up. I really wished for my death those weeks. Enough that I quite clumsily walked in front of a car, cause I didn't find it important to look left right lol. And even tho the car hit breaks and nothing happened, I wondered that maybe it wouldn't be way too bad to have died then and there and have the whole thing over with. Or maybe survive and have new priorities? Whichever, I was ok with both. Obsession is quite self-desctructive. I think I delete MSN today, cause...Even the sms that he won't be around a lot this weekend made me upset. And it can't continue like this. This has to end.

It was nice while it lasted. I don't know what I will do about hugs, definitely gonna miss closeness. Cause after all, I'm just 20 and I'm just a girl. And I was betrayed by far too many people.

I'm scared to publish this also lol. Cause I'm scared I will regret my decision about once again deleting MSN and I'm scared that at some point, after pushing certain people away for long enough, there wont be a way back.

And now I have to feel what I was most scared of. Pain, betrayal and loneliness lol ...

Good morning folks ~.~

I'm SO dead like ... really dead duh ... sigh, wanted to finish my chapter last night so I went to sleep really late. ._.' and still no reviews T.T guess the people don't like my story anymore ;.;

Oh well...what can I do. Guess I leave the next chapter on saturday. I have to get at least some sleep tonight or I'm gonna collapse tomorrow.

Also not just that youtube doesnt work, now also facebook doesnt work. I'm gonna be freaking bored all damn day long, what am I gonna be doing = = sigh...