Posting once more today, starting to wonder if it was a good idea to go home. Suddenly don't know what to do with my free time. No inspiration really to sweat out another chapter with ease either.

Yesterday I had a trip down to Audition Eu Land. Played a few games with Infinity, found out I didn't become too much of a noob either and since then I kinda have to think about Danh and Ryan. Especially Danh came to my mind yesterday. Now that I think about it, he's been sort of my first boyfriend actually. Not just a one sided one I mean and we were together twice. He betrayed me with another woman, I dated Thai and Tomi, then when I broke up with both, I stole Danh back from the other girl. Then I betrayed him with Seong as far as I remember. Still he stayed there for me. And when I had troubles with my other relationships, when Ryan was making me sad, he was staying all nights long up until his early mornings for when I woke up, before he went to sleep. He stayed awake until I woke up again and bid him good night. I got so spoiled since then. The relationship I had with Danh was really effortless, it ran on its own without any sacrifices. I regret that I refused to meet him, back then I was a child and too scared. He wanted to fly over so many many times. He wanted me to fly over. When things between me and Ryan got alright again, Ryan put me between a choice of him or Danh. So I hurt him again and then he left me for real. Leaving me with no more than that goodbye letter I still haven't forgotten about. It's been 5 years ago when we dated lol I was silly 15.

I dont even know if you check this email but...

Monika,

Those word LOVE FOREVER stayed with me. You probably will never understand me nor if I will ever understand myself. Just let me suffer and you please take care. Whoever does find you he is a very very lucky young man...
These are my last words to you ~ "Deep in my heart...You will always have a place...." ~
and lastly...Thank You

However stupid I might've been at that time, I guess with age and several experiences you can put a finger at the person whos love was most sincere and pure. If I were to make a chart it would be 1.Danh 2.Tomi 3.Ryan.

Ryan also held out for quite a long time. It's been like he had a 6th sense linked towards me, for he always appeared when I was sad. And all I did was torturing him with how the guy I left him for treats me bad, he's been waiting for when I break up with Fan and many times we did, he still wanted me to return. Now that it's really over he's gone. And also I don't think I could return to him after what I've done to him.

Also what's interesting is that each of these men have completely different personalities, which means I'm quite adaptable. For Danh was very very funny and loyal. Tomi got me head over heels with his eyes and erm...call it passion and optimism. And Ryan was the biggest sweetheart I ever met. So if I can combine these 3 men up into one... I would get the ultimate guy I want to spend my life with. Sadly such a man doesn't exist so I should stop my blabbering and go do something about my free time.

Also I have one song reserved for each of the guys I had longer or deeper relationships with. Whichever you see playing, you can guess whos on my mind.

So for Danh: Angela Zhang and Wilbur Pan - Kuai Le Chong Bai

Cause it's the last song I got from him, before he disappeared. And I always held this one as one to remember Danh.

For Tomi it would be: Se7en - Ari No Mama

Actually all the songs from Se7en are memories of him, since I always thought he resembles.

For Ryan it's: Marc Antoine - Tant Besoin De Toi (I have always needed you)

Cause it's the first song he ever gave me and the song is just as sweet as he was.

And lasty the one I chose to be Fans: Black Eyed Peas - Meet Me Halfway (or in our case, not at all anymore)

Simply cause of the implications of a far relationship and how it can be conquered if both try hard enough. (Fail)

Good morning again. Hmm today I decided to take half the day off, so will be going home at around 12am already... need to rest really, also no mood to even be here today lol. Everyone else is taking holidays, so I actually have to work at work lol. I know... but hmm... yesterday I got quite irritated again. Then when I went bed I contemplated if my decision was right, to keep that guy around. But then I just thought, \Why arger yourself, why let him make you angry. Just dont care and dont be and dont think about him or what he does. Then you be fine.' I guess that's the way to success.

To my disappointment I woke up this morning with no reviews or story alerts...maybe the last chapter wasn't so great then. Have to start updating more slowly or people won't think they have to review, to make me continue Buahahah :x I'm evil, I know... But yesterday the general plot came to my mind and I decided where I want to take my story. Gonna be a loooong story and many more chapters are to follow. Can't wait.

Bbye~

E-Phone + Delta

Good morning

So today is monday again. Of course I can't enjoy a peacefull start of the week. This monday, meaning today were launching new extension to our Delta transfering system. Which means more complications and call waitings till everyone learns to operate the new extension. That also a lot of flaws will first be detected, like wrong extensions and thus wrong transfering. Two technicians already came to scold us, like it's our fault. Now the people I transfer to can see my phone extension. So they can track me down if I transfer something wrong -_- really dislike the thought, no more carefree transfering. Also when the people are really unwilling to share any data and I transfer them out of the good of my heart, I will prolly end up being scolded by some stranded bored and frustrated technician. But all in all I don't dislike E-phone that much. Sounds like iPhone lol. One thing I don't like through is that I can't put the customers call on hold anymore (means putting him to listen to music while I click out and search the necesarry data) instead I can only put him on mute, so he can't hear me, but I can still hear him. At least 5 people hang up on me today already cause they thought the connection died when it went completely silent. Also one guy, I put him on mute then he turned to a friend and said "She speaks so quietly I can barely hear her." I was tempted to unmute the call and tell him "I apologize, I just didnt want to yell at my customers but next time, I will."

So that's how work is going today. Also I struggle to find the time to continue my fanfiction or read any of it, or god beware...watch some on youtube. Have to concentrate on E-phone and also aid the new girl next to me and help her if shes lost. Not that I complain. Just wish that after friday, today could be a little bit more peacefull. We're also getting a new Team Leader, from Lenovo...No idea why they always call outsiders, who have no idea how things are going here. They always spit big words, but dont know what their talking about in the least.

Also, still considering my choices from yesterday. Not much changed really. I really have to become more peacefull myself and think things over so I'm less lost and confused... ok I end this post here.

Bbye~

Lately I have been contemplating my own actions and how I waver between decisions. It's easy to act strong, as if nothing had happened and even if something happened then you're loooong over it. But it's also not easy in the same time.

I wanted to become a strong girl, but I think I miscalculated what 'strong' means. Clearly I was trying to punish the people who did this to me and it takes more than one person to break me. And I was trying to replace the people. And cover up for the loneliness by seeking attention from people, who I actually don't want to spend my time with. With that alone I can tell that I did become stronger, simply cause I now don't seek unnecesarry attention from people, I can pass time very well on my own. On other hand, I don't trust anyone anymore. I trust no one to actually really be my friend and actually stay my friend.

So strong... strong is not to cover up and try to replace and forget. Strong is to accept it as part of who you are, keeping it in the back of your mind and reminding urself of the possibility being there that everyone can and (most definitely) will betray you. But even through that fact, not giving up on trying and hoping. That's what I define with the word strong. Now that's what I did until now. Trying and hoping. Now it's up to fate. Either it will grant you those true friendships and maybe relationships for the hope. Or in my case it might send more people to betray you to probe you. And then when you're torn and possibly beyond repair. When you really give up and stop trying... Well then what...That I don't know. It's clearly running in a circle.

But I did learn some valuable lessons.

1. No more internet relationships, ever. Way more cons than pros.

2. No more trusting anyone, ever. It just doesn't pay back unless the people PROVE that their worth your trust.

And actually I think I grew to the decision that I want no more relationship in any close future of at least a few years. I won't find anyone anyway, so might just as well stop longing for a man that would fill the empty void and protect you from harm. Still every girl is longing, not even I can not. So my decision is kinda...don't search, let urself be found.

Today I read a status on Facebook. It read "When you forgive people it's cause you still want them in your life." Now this made me contemplate why I still talk to Fan. Honestly speaking I don't trust him the least, he never brought anything good to me. Do I want him in my life, do I not? Being absolutely honest with myself, either as a boyfriend or not at all. And since I decided that I absolutely CANNOT ever date that guy anymore in my life. It would lead to the decision that (even through maybe still a bit want him in my life) most of my being just want's to get rid of every possible memory stored in my head. I got rid of any bits of love I might have had for him. That's one thing for sure which I am very pleased with, no lies. But even the slightest bits of his attention kill my mood. I especially hate to listen anything about his life. I really don't care the least what hes doing at any moment. The lost love doesn't hurt, what does hurt is the deepest betrayal I ever experienced. And that cannot be forgotten,forgiven or ignored or in any way made up for.

The real reason why I haven't deleted him completely by now is just cause I'm not ready yet. I just wish to torment him a little bit more, but along of tormenting him im tormenting myself and lowering myself on his level. I just wish he would finaly leave me be, so I can go through 1-2 week of him not being deleted but not talking to him at all. So it's the bastards fault for me not being able to fully get over and close the chapter. After all a girl IS flattered when a guy just can't get over her. -.- And that's the wrong way of thoughts, cause he became absolutely unneeded in my life. His presence serves no other purpose than to torture me. Really have to delete my MSN in the shortest time. Then I can finaly accept my life as it is now and concentrate on other things.

Good Mooooorning ^-^ Today I'm in high spirits ^-^ Woke up to find 4 new emails in my mail box, one of the a very very positive flattering review and the other 3 were 1.An author put a story alert on you story 2.An author put a favourite story alert 3.An author put a favourite author alert *-*

and my review:This chapter was a great improvement upon the first chapter. The dialogue

flowed much more smoothly. The descriptions and action felt natural and not
rushed while not being too slow.

The plot is definitely picking up and I wonder how Xelloss is going to explain
this. XD

Ok well I admit the first chapter was ... dissatisfying, I didn't know where to start at all, since it's been 4 years and more since I wrote anything.

But anyway having people read my stoy and actually liking it makes a lot for me ^-^ Today chapter.3, just cause I like people review me.

Buh Bye folks~

I now know why I don't like summer at summer and want summer when it's winter. This heavy weather makes my blood pressure go really low ... or really high? In any case I really hate when I feel like this. Reading a fanfic and not knowing what I read about as I pass the words, listening to music but not recognizing any melody even as the songs change. Then trying to locate some feelings but feeling nothing. Just empty space, I don't even realise myself. And I better not stand up from this chair or I just end up collapsing on bed and falling back asleep -.- And I wanted to continue writting today but hard to do when I can't concentrate on anything, not even on myself. Guess I go back to bed for a while and then somehow try to revive myself with liters of coffee so I become at least aware of myself. Like my world doesn't reach beyond where my body ends, can't concentrate on the outside the window either. And as much as I love looking up into the endless sky, the infinite view hurts my eyes. And I write kinda weirdly poetic...will come in handy later on when I continue my fanfic...since I already uploaded the first chapter on internet...and got my first review and first person putting my story in their story alerts. Gotta continue.

Hi dear blog...today I have been cleaning up my phone again from smses and pictures. Actually I was deleting whole folders. Till I looked into the video folder, convinced it's empty and just making sure when I discovered a video. Honestly have no idea when I made that one, couldn't even make out the location at first. Didn't do me too good tho. I still have mails to delete and some smses too. I haven't managed to completely close that chaptes yet and delete all of the evidence that it ever happened. Think I be doing that today. I can't afford to recall anymore stuff and can't afford to want to talk again. This week was a bit odd. And it's unacceptable. I have to deleat MSN. I can't afford daily contact, already can feel that I slowly slip back again and actually start to care again. Gotta delete it all off and rather focus more on my anime...

Dear blog...got so annoyed at work yesterday and today... Imagine what this annoying stupid jerk is doing by now. Yesterday I wanted to go grocery store during my lunch break, cause it would be closed by the time I finished at work. So I was going downstairs when I meet Juan Carlos...That guy instantly spots me in a hallway full of people and asks me where I'm going. When I tell him I go on Obchodna to buy something, I thought it ends with that. Instead he takes his badge and heads with me on Obchodna...He went with me ALLLLL the way to Obchodna, was cracking stupid jokes, saying my eyes are pretty and that I shall show him my face. Then when we reached the grocery store he said how convenient, cause he can do some shopping as well. Then he went with me the fucking whole way back to stupid Dell and thank got I got rid of him when we reached 2nd floor, since hes on that floor while I'm on 3rd. Then as soon as I collapse into my chair psychically exhausted that guy writes me on my work communicator thanking me for the nicely spend lunch break? I thought I'm gonna smash something. When I got onto eating it looked like I was trying to kill smth that's already dead, namely the chicken breast. Then today I went downstairs for lunch to bring back up since I had lunch break alone and didn't want to eat in the restaurant alone. Then when I put the food down on my table one of my colleagues calls my name and when I turn around I see Juan Carlos........................walking from OUR kitchen on the THIRD floor with a GLASS OF WATER. Those water filter things are on fucking each floor. Colleagues said he came through the door from staircase, walked the short way to the kitchen starring at my chair trying to locate me, then went to get the water whats near the door all the time looking at my spot then he went back downstairs with a stupid glass of water all the time looking at my place. When I turned around I saw him in the background I immediately out of instinct dodged down and then I fucking went to eat to a colleague cause her spot is unable to see. Then when it was 5pm, what's his time to go home that guy wrote me "Hi blondy. Short question: When are we meeting for lunch tomorrow". I thought I'm gonna smash my LCD screen. Then one of my colleagues wrote to him(a guy) asking if he wants to go lunch with him tmr. Then Juan replies that he already has arranged something with a pretty blond girl. Then my colleague wrote him to leave his girlfriend alone lol. Then Juan wrote to me "What's going on?" I never replied of course. But honestly wtf. A colleague has to pretend to be my boyfriend to get that guy off my neck? How retarded does a person have to be just come on this floor to get a fucking glass of stupid water just to look if I'm there or not. I shouldn't have told him I'm having lunches at 1pm usually, now hes waiting downstairs before the restaurant for me like yesterday or when I don't show up he comes on the 3rd floor to just get a glass of water in our kitchen hoping I might be eating there... That's not normal anymore. My coach is really annoyed with him as well. He said he's just waiting for a word from me so he can write an email on Juan's Team Leader to tell him to stop bothering me since it's unwished for and disturbing me from work(which is a lie since I never reply, sort of an excuse to not reveal the real reason). Honestly the whole team saw that guy turning his neck towars my seat...That's fucking not normal anymore, that creep...argh making me angry. =.=

Hiii again~

Just a short update :) My moods not the best the past week again, mainly and actually only cause of this awfully sucky weather over Slovakia. Like excuse me is this how the weather is supposed to look at the end of June and on the first official summer day? Summer yea right indeed. -.-' Annoys me awfully and makes me bored at work and a bit cranky. But definitely no more sad. Haven't been sad in a long long while. So proud of myself really. *pat herself* Believing really does wonders. Also yesterday I decided that I will start my very own Slayers fanfiction as off the next few days. Will be uploading and sharing also. But mainly only with the people who know what it's about.

Well stay tuned for updates

Bbye~

Hi dear blog~ I've been to Aupark with Klaudia today finaly. I got myself some nice new flat shoes(ballerina ones) with a bow on the front. Really cute cute ones. Needed something comfy to walk in all days long. Then we went for some fancy coffee and cake. Then did some grocery shopping and went to watch Sex & the City the Movie #2. Hmm but still kinda not my day today. I really goddamn want summer now. Like really really...I gotta see some sun or I die soon. How else do I replenish my energy omg...Bough some tea for work. Japanese Cherry & Vanilla, Egyptian Menthol & Green Tea to be exact. Need those to even keep my voice since I talk all days long at work. Well not much to say, will be watching my Slayers I guess.~

Buh Bye

Well hi again dear blog, I realised I've been deserting you for quite a while recently. Partly cause of there were things I didn't want to share with anyone but all in all I am doing quite fine. Wednesday I was out with my colleagues after work. We went to a place called the Flag Ship. Looked all really nice inside really like it would be a ship. :) Everyone had some sort of alcohol, mostly beer and since I don't like beer I had some harder stuff. Got a bit drunk, ok quite a bit drunk but pretty much sober by the time I went home around 11pm. Was really fun tho, got great colleagues at work. Thursday I think I went shopping quite a lot. From when I quit at work at 5pm till 8pm, going through shops and shops and bought few nice things. Like some skin care cosmetics from La Roche-Posay and a really cute Pucca shirt lol. Friday ... yesterday eh had work till 8pm, then went home for a while to change shoes since it just HAD to start raining when I quit at work. Didn't rain at all the whole day then when I'm about to go home it starts drizzling then it actually starts to goddamn rain. Then headed for Coffee&Co where I was supposed to meet Adam but then... as I was walking up on Obchodna street towards the Michael's Gate I met... no one else but Juan. God please tell me HOW on earth do I meet with that man on a friday night!? What a sick joke. I was succesfully avoiding that stalker. Don't really like to be around him that much... I can't decipher his intentions with me. He's married but he keeps giving me unnormal compliments and asking me out. First for lunch, then coffee then he wanted to go to a club with me so he can teach me how to dance? No way in hell am I going to a club with him. Ever. That's creepy. That guy is not weak or anything lol I don't desire to be molested in any way or abducted. And maybe it's just the way Venezulean people are, or Portugean...I don't even know what he is really. It's fun to be around him tho... ok maybe it's cause of the compliments. You don't get told...actually nevermind I won't write it out here what he said to me. In any case... as I met him he went with me all the way to coffee&co even tho he was originaly headed the other way. Then I somehow got stuck standing in front of Coffee&Co with him in pouring rain talking to him. He didn't seem so bothered and I didn't seem to realise it was raining. Was kind of looking for my escape I guess, but there was no smooth way out. I ended up promising him to go lunch with him on tuesday... Oh dear God. Why do I attract such weird guys. -_-'

That also reminds me in what weird situations I find myself with Michael and Thai lately.

Sitting in Michael's lap last sunday wasn't such an awesome idea, only cause he wanted to test if my dog is jealous...Nor him touching my leg or breasts just to make me stop pinching him. Zzzzz...He should learn to fucking behave himself, I'm single yes, it doesn't do anything to me if he randomly tries to touch, but his girlfriend wouldn't be too pleased at all. Especially since it's been only something over a week that he's been worrying if his girlfriend isn't pregnant. I really didn't manage to face him since that sunday, especially not really after the places he's been randomly touching.

And Thai... that's a story itself but Thai definitely can behave better. Even if he also can't seem to resist to be touching my legs, when I'm with him. And I still goddamn have to try to evade those kisses he tries to sneak upon me when I hug him good-bye.

Then this guy at work, Andrej Cehlarik...also a story itself, no one likes him cause hes dumb, lacks work moral and is always just slacking. He has a weird obsession with touching my legs and neck also. And for some reason I'm more worried about him touching my neck, since I remember him telling me that his ex-gf liked him to pretend suffocating her, when they had sex... Gives me the creeps omg... Go Go FAR away from my neck you jerk =.= And stop eyeing me, it's DISTURBING!

Then this married guy also can't seem to stop following me. Juan mentioned he's been seeying me around a lot. Funny thing is I never once remember seeying him watching me. He's good at hiding...Makes me imagine him lurking behind a corner getting ready to jump at me.

Also, I seem to be stalked by two of the fan-club members I stole from a different girl when I started working there. And the only normal guy at work, who I actually don't dislike. Seems to have to interest at all. Funny thing is hes slovakia, lived in England for a year and was to China as well...His accent reminds me of someone, somemore I have to get away when he starts talking english on the phone. Since when did I like english accent, no idea. I didn't but his voice is nice. Also this guy seem to have obsession with my perfume since he couldn't restrain from commenting on it the last time I was around. But yea hes decent, his voice is nice, his looks aren't bad but he's really not that interesting to me.

Also I've been talking to a few guys on this one Chat page, 2-3 of them that I got in contact seemed to be quite normal and with the same interests as me. But I think I'm done with meeting people over internet, considering I kinda forgot to log on for the past 5 days or so...

To be honest as much as I write here about all those guys I have stories with, I'm not really interested in anyone and anything, their attention just gives me the creeps. Don't want a relationship anymore. No time soon. Learned my lesson, I rather stay alone being fascinated with my anime and fanfiction than choosing the wrong partner again. Will never forget that fucking pain I was in those 2-3 weeks. I actually can't remember how long it's ago since he broke up. I stopped controlling it, I stopped contacting him, I stopped thinking about him, I stopped wanting to go home to talk to him. Finaly it's done. Althrough I still can't say I'm not melancholic and sad when I think about him. But I realised I'm more fine when I don't talk to him. If I would keep talking to him on a daily routine it would be just opening old wounds, that I had to painfully heal myself with lots of tears and blood. Those objects I use daily like the comb from him, the USB stick or Chanel perfume, don't do anything to me anymore. Got immune to the memories those objects bear and everything else that I'm not immune to yet is stored away safely from my eyes.

I don't know what to think through. I would like to think that I became stronger, but I also became more wounded and lonely. There is no simple answer. I just try to go back to who I was many years ago. To that overly optimistic girl obsessed with her anime. Who wasn't bothered with any guy or any friends. Back then I was alone but didn't feel lonely at all. Now that I am not alone I still do feel lonely. Maybe that's why out of all the animes I decided to go back to my Slayers era. It's been the last anime I liked before I got into audition and started meeting all my boyfriends. Where my life went wrong, I want to go back there and restore the person I was before. So far I think I'm doing good.

That's why I really like the lyrics of one of the Slayers ending songs.

'There is nothing that can save a heart that's been immersed in sadness. Trapped by your own self, soaked in shattered tears. I know you won't give up. You believe in the path you chose for yourself. But what will you do if, even for all your efforts, you come up against a pain you can't erase? I want to become stronger. So that I can take in your sadness at any time. I'm being questioned about something as simple as continuing to live. There's no answer to that. I just lift up my head and walk on.'

But I would change it to..."There is nothing that can save a heart that's been immersed in sadness. Trapped by my own self, soaked in shattered tears, I know I won't give up. I believe in the path I chose for myself. But what will I do if, even for all my efforts, I come up against a pain I can't erase? I want to become stronger. So that i can take in all of my sadness at any time. I'm questioning myself about something as simple as continuing to live. There's no answer to that. I just lift up my head and walk on.'

Bbye~

Good morning dear blog~ :)

Not much to write really, just waiting for youtube to load my anime episode *-* Yesterday I finished watching Slayers Revolution and now going on with Slayers Evolution-R. I even bought pink pink headphones to be able to watch this at work lols. Really loving the anime and really loved the last episode yesterday. Was doing the A_A face on the last battle lol... ok well I'm off to watching! :)

Good morning blog~ PAYCHECK DAY!!! Time to waste money *-* But nah... seriously I can't waste all the money within the first 1-2 weeks ah ._.' gonna be tough really. Once again I have a list of things that I have to buy. Could waste all my paycheck straight today... will see how much I buy this month and what expenses I rather keep for next month. I just hope I don't get sick now cause I have this stubborn sick girl next to me that refuses to stay at home -_-' Like really... bothersome. Hmm...

Yesterday night ALSO didn't go THAT well. Well I found my old fanfictions and stuff, was quite happy about it but erm. That guy just ruins my mood way too easily, he doesn't even know how. Oh well... no comment. I rather go rewrite that fanfiction of mine instead. Also I found out this page I registered at works at this work computer. Will have fun replying to all those guys *yay* *sarcasm off* ... Should stop using internet to meet guys eh, I would think that I learned my lesson... but guess not...

Good morning blog~ I overslept and also all in all didn't sleep that much x_x actually I did sleep an significant amount of 7hours since I overslept till 8am. But eh... I feel kind of bad... like, down. ._.' Ah maybe I overdid it last night. It's like I say he doesn't matter to me anymore and bang, next day I feel bad cause of him. It's unhealthy to think like this... to keep swinging between sides. Mornings are the worst, after I wake up with this kind of feeling. = I wonder if I'm honest with myself with everything I say. If that's really how I feel or if it's just some sort of protecting mechanism, trying to convince myself that I don't feel so attached anymore when I really do. Nah I don't really like before anymore, two weeks of crying and depressions... I decided to get up again and start all over. But I don't identify myself with this life I'm leading now yet. I do really enjoy watching those anime and meeting with friends more often... but it hasn't been like this for more than a week. So... I'm having my troubles here and I'm probably random rambling stuff that doesn't even make sense but... that's how my mind goes.

Had to detach in a way, cause with that attitude of his = Always gone when I needed him... that includes weekends and evenings especially. Hmm... It wasn't a lie that I almost forgot his face, but the overall picture remains and plays tricks on me. -_-" I'm such a perv...I won't even write in what roles that overall picture plays role lol... *ashamed* Lol well I'm sure I could revive more memories of his face if I was willing to at least look at one of his pictures, but I'm quite scared lol. That's like the last step of knowing that u have broken up and detached and got over that person. When you look at them and you feel nothing. But before that it's painfull once more. And I'm scared of that.

Also who is he trying to fool... = He was talking big about wanting to stay friends like before, but then when I asked him how he imagined this going on he said that we're gonna talk less and less. He's not emailing, smsing, calling or webcamming so yea... it sure looks like how we communicated before = I will also stop...

K well I go read my magazine

Bye~

Good evening... Ok well today is a complete fiasco...Not feeling happy at all anymore right now... And the headache doesn't help much sigh. Don't know why I can't be happy today. I had things to say to Fan too lol and he came and left again. So great, mood gone for real, shouldn't have missed him even tho I haven't waited, still. Didn't even thank for the song, just didn't feel like saying such. That guy just goes from Poland to parties and in a great mood I assume. It doesn't do me well to see how not bothered he is by anything even tho I myself was not bothered the past days. And I need to use a soap and clean my head, those images running through aren't helping at all. Like really what good does it do me to think that he has a great frame lol, understand broad shoulders. No good at all. And this stupid hiccups since yesterday, either someone is really thinking about me or... Ok prolly no one thinking about me, it's just me thinking to myself who I would like to think of me since I got hiccups last night at 00:40am and tonight as well. Thank god I have no credit on my phone...Or I would prolly be sending smses out by now. Like this I can't and it's not really bad. It's hard to lead life alone, knowing that if something goes wrong it's still only you. I feel so uninspired to send application letter to my new school as well now. I don't want to study really, I wanted to finish it for someone. I see no sense doing it for myself really right now. Well...hopefully I feel better tomorrow. I thought I detached myself already, guess it's not that easily done in this case. It's funny tho, I have been doubting that relationship the whole time it lasted cause I never felt really in love with butterflies in stomach and whatever. But guess I really did love him more than I thought. They don't say for nothing 'You don't know what you have until you loose it'.

Well I think I head bed slowly, no point staying awake when I feel bad and have a headache.

G'nite~

PS: Did I mention it's 13th? =| And also did I mention I had written in my diary "13th June 1 year 2 months"? Just didn't expect any break up so I wrote it before hand and oh my how that little note torments me when I just want to look up when I work this week... -__-"

Good afternoon ^-^! In great mood again just a small detail ruining it, but fighting it lol. Wah it's so hot here! It's summer! I love summer! I loved last years summer too, but it's been so so long ago since I was this genuiely happy. Well a tiny bit of pain right now, but it's gonna clear down soon I hope.....

Watching Ah! My Goddess sure helps my mood, cause it's just such a genuiely optimistic anime. And many people saying I would be pretty or cute also makes me happier a bit haha... Meph also did :) But most of all makes me happy cause I think myself that I am pretty lol. Hmm... Oh and I love this song 'N Love with Bubz' I listen to it on repeat lol even tho didn't try to find the song file in mp3 format...maybe I could find it... maybe not... I can't download it from youtube anymore ._.'

Hmm well all would be perfect if I didn't miss Fan right now lol, haven't in the past few days. Anyway won't let that ruin my mood, it's all fine this way, it's all how it's supposed to be.

Such a hot summer now gotta go sunbath!!! With whoever lol... AND! Tuesday I get my paycheck ^-^ can't wait to go round with the money and sunbath and do whatever, just enjoy this awesome summer, after the way too long depressive rainy weather. Just love sunshine so much lol. And I always have pretty memories on summer. :)

Morning blog o.o today also don't have much to say. Hmm, woke up, got dressed, put make up on and accesorized, then went to work, then started all my programs, then went to make coffee, then came back to find out i have to restart computer and start all my programs all over again, then wrote email and now drinking coffee and picking up stupid german calls. o.o' Yay...

Yesterday was a nice day, at work as well and home too. Met with Klaudia and she brough awesome coffee and cake with her, then she wanted me to try out my dresses and pose... Later I listened to this song lol N Love with Bubz...so sweet!!! D: And a good beat too lol. Really impressive to a girl to receive such, even tho I read that she's taken, so sorry guys no chinese girl for ya. Shes really cute tho...making me jealous T_T Hmm have so much to do... will get braces I decided and teeth whitening after that, gonna continue with my body lotion ritual after shower each day, keep taking care of my silky hair o.o' And have to get new glasses before I go blind. And I decided to throw all the ugly underwear and clothes that i wear at home and replace them with something pretty but comfortable. It really kills my self-confidence, the way I look around home... so for the sake of my self-confidence, gotta kill all that makes me unconfident :) Should start training a bit maybe as well... but I guess thats optional, I'm already pretty slim enough, just that I would need to tone myself a bit. So that's also why I want to buy all those suspender belts and stockings btw D: Confidence boost lol. And have to take more care of my skin ... I had such pretty skin last year during winter-spring-summer, when I was taking french classes. For once cause I wanted to look pretty pretty for Ryan and everyone and secondly cause I had the TIME and energy to be running to my cosmetician THAT often... So... Now I still want to be pretty for everyone but the time and energy became significantly less...So yea, have to stop being lazy or I won't get any new boyfriend whos worth me.

Well, not that I really wan a NEW one, but I resigned on that. Whatever I would want to try it has no sense when only one person want's to be with the other and the other person refuses to. Also it doesn't bother me anymore really, I have a slight sad feeling every now and then, but all in all I became a really happy girl with the sunshine *shy* ;) Not even the webcam yesterday hurt lol, it did nothing~~~ Nothing at alllllll D: That's good, I guess that's how long I need to separate. Two weeks and many many rejections. It's only gonna hurt once more when jealousy gonna stab me, but after that... Well I know the break up process already. I got over Ryan as well. I'll just maintaing being very good friends with Fan, since it doesn't hurt me anymore. o.o'

Tonight going out with Thai lol for coffee and thinking where else I will drag him to kill my time on a friday night. But I really need to relax and sleep out, so prolly wont be out for too long and rather sit at home in front of computer and watch some anime, then sleep out properly on saturday ~.~

Also I played audi EU yesterday and 3 months! And I'm still so pro! Lol...Went straight for c6 8k 140bpm and wasn't doing that bad at all for it being the first games and THREE months. x3 Lol I realised I still have that ring with Fan in audi eu...Think I will keep it, maybeeee....just maybeee I will convince him to play again D: Like in the old times even tho were not together anymore. Or i get a notebook from Dell and then i can tag my hearties! LOl I could buy some small laptop with already one paycheck... I don't want any powerfull notebook really, I want it to have a good soundcard and to be small so I can carry it around. Don't want to make it my 'main' computer cause I'm way too used to my desktop pc. With my HUGE monitor and the computer is powerfull as well so yea... Can just buy some small notebook for 500-600 euro for this kind of purpose. :)

Ok well I stop here and rather go read my magazines or facebook or smth.

Buh Bye

Ok...I'll just keep writting more... or I'm gonna die right this moment. Shouldn't put on this dress, or read those smses, look at those pictures, go to his Facebook account, or read those smses... or use that coffee syrup that I brough to work especially for times like this.

So... too late to undo those things, already feel way too miserable. There should be a pill for this as well. Just as aspiring cures headache, I want a pill that cures heartache.

Hmm... I wonder why I insist so much on not separating. Generally, when people would ask you what kind of guy you would want to date, I would say: 1. Funny 2.Caring 3.Someone who wants to spend all their time with me. 4.Charismatic

I'm not sure if he's any of those things, well funny...he can manage, even with his british humour. Caring, to the person thats closest. If there is a cleaning lady next to him, he would risk being late for a date with me, just so that he doesn't have to rush her. Charismatic? Ha ha ha... Someone who wants to spend all their time with me? ... Noooooot really, no... Even if he had that time, he wouldn't necesarrily spend more time with me only, but would put it between family and friends as well so...

So why? 1.Maybe cause I feel like I made him who he is, the whole appearance he has now, that I like. From hair, to clothes, to the perfumes and contact lenses (even tho he looks just as attractive with glasses on now that he has normal hair cut..). It's a mistake that I own that Chanel perfume and hair spray. I'm really addicted to smells. Smelling those two really doens't do me well. Way too many memories.

2.Cause I put so so so SO much effort into maintaining this relationship and God knows it's been hard on me and I CAN'T just toss it all away like that, not after that much effort I put into maintaining it...I mean I had to learn so many things like stop pushing him cause of Audition. One of the reasons why I so obediently quit, except for work, is cause it's been creating problems and voala... we had a more peacefull relationship right away. I had to learn to not nag all the time about how much time he spends with me and not get angry when he has to be somewhere else or want's to go out with friends. I'm still working on that one...never fully mastered not getting angry or sad over how little time we had.

3.Cause we been all over Bratislava and in my house as well, on the staircase and even downstairs. I can't go anywhere without memories popping up! Like literally nowhere! Not in my bathroom, or kitchen, or my room, or living room...not even with the dog in park cause I always remember how sweet I thought it was when he was running with the dog. I can't open the door downstairs because that's where we were always parting. I can't be going to Coffee&Co cause thats the place we first met and we sat practically EVERYWHERE. Even in the Coffee&Co under Michael's Gate. Oh and I still remember where we sat the first time he came over to see me. I also remember that he actually had chocolate and not coffee. I can't go to DM cause I've been shopping there with him, nor Tesco or Billa or Aupark or Polus, Eurovea....Not even to work...cause I remember that he escorted me to work one morning and then he also waited me before work with that Frappeso in hand. I can't go to Donau, I can't go under the Michael's gate, I can't go anywhere really.

4.Cause we have quite a history. It's been almost 2 years and a lot lot lot has happened... From when I got to know him, to how I always smsed with him about my problems, how we talked long into night, played audition, have webcammed, how he helped me with my old blog page, how he created that page for my perfume countdown, how he send me that letter when I didn't talk to him for 3 weeks, how we met, how we broke up numerous times and got back together cause it couldn't be any other way. Even when his lies started to come on surface, I thought with each thing that 'if we got through this, then we will manage everything'. Also he told me about his secrets and his health condition. In other words...just way too much to ever break contact just like that.

5. Cause I loved the feeling when I was sleeping and his arm would be around my tummy and holding my hand. That's a chapter itself..................This is what I could cry cry cry and CRY about the most. Gonna miss this forever the most eh...

6. And maybe cause I thought that I won't need to find another guy. Also don't want to. Even if it wasn't the most harmonic relationship all along. It's the one that taught me the most. How to not be selfish and how to be patient... The one I put everything in to keep it going. And no one can return that effort and time to me, or replace it. It's prolly the scariest thing ever for a man to hear, when a girl says that she didn't plan on finding another boyfriend, ever.

Well...those are my reasons. They won't change. They were the same last week, they are the same today and they will be the same always. Funnily enough I feel a bit more relieved after writting it down. Still it's painfull and gonna be again tomorrow.

Morning... Hmm... Things are slowly starting to take shape = Can't say I like the way things will be. Geez I hate waking up in the morning with that stupid feeling that I miss him, then I'm fine at work, then I get home and unless I start MSN I will get really abstinential feelings lol. I guess one year of relationship isn't as easily forgotten as my 3months long relationships... I remember that when I broke up with my last boyfriend that I wasn't feeling anything at all, except relief cause he's been really suffocating me with attention. Lol now that would be exactly the thing I want. Ok but maybe not that much that I don't even have time to make my manicure. Bleh... I don't mind how my days already are...but the mornings. Starting each day like that is more than depressing, no wonder I have been always asking him to come back with me in the mornings and then during the day calmed down and by night I was somewhere else. Hmm... sigh. I hate my life. I have to find something to occupy myself fully with. Like starting to be obsessed with anime again or fanfiction or audition... just something to get my mind off this feeling. There is really no way around starting to play audition again or watch excessive amount of animes.

Hmm that guy doesn't care at all. He's so determined to get over me and not show any sadness or anything and refusing to get back together... It just makes me feel like he didn't want to be with me to begin with, no matter how it would end with his mother. How can someone be so coldhearted eh? That he can just cut off everything from one day to another, I was calling with him more times a week, we were webcamming each evening, smsing in bed... all of it gone within one night... Sigh, I don't have the strenght to deal with this anymore... 2 weeks have been enough. Even when he himself tells me that his views of the future are that we talk less and less till not at all... Then why did he insist on staying friends. Should have deleted me and blocked me and who knows what... Then I at least would know what I'm at to begin with. Sigh... I can't anymore. Just kill me, even worse since the weather is so beautifull.... Won't go to the botanical garden anymore... also not sunbath... also won't have him come over when my parents leave to grandma... nothing. That's what I get for loving him.

Good morning... Sigh hard morning already. First forgot my badge at home so had to return halfway and take a tram so I'm not late, then some woman was asking me in the tram goes to the railway station when I had earphones on, managed to tell her to take the tram 13 and not 7, and then at work a lot of guys in the kitchen and I had to literally make my way through and then some guy spoke at me and I didn't even know in what language to reply cause he was signalizing if he can use the sink... zzz T_T I'm half asleep eh... sigh... why is life so hard at me. Even after 7 hours I'm still too tired.

Also last night sigh eh... went angry. I just don't know what to do eh. Will miss the sleeping together and hugs the most. Now who else do I get my amount of hugs from?... sigh so cruel... T_T Ok sleeping together the most...can non-couple people still do that? No? Duh... Also who am I gonna go for coctail and botanical garden this year. I really don't want to break up. I repeat myself every day on this but guess I can't move with him? It's damn unfair... He was dating me for over one year knowing that we won't be able to stay together forever and now he doesn't want to anymore. But I still want to go sunbath with him ... And cinema... And for coctails or coffee... And still want to sleep with him ... So what I do now? How many day more can I keep asking him to come back to me? I think I have been asking him one week straight... and he still didn't change his mind... I still want to see him too but eh... If not as my boyfriend what do I have from it. Can't do all the things I want to without excuses. I already went so far as saying that I don't mind a secret relationship. Truth is...I don't. But with every rejection I get more and more angry, till like yesterday. Sigh...This is how it ends when one person loves too much and the other person loves too little.

Good evening. Once again have nothing else to do. And seriously not in mood right now. Not even Michal is online so I can help him with the absinth again. Finishing the vodka will have to do for tonight... Ah where did my optimism go... probably drowned somewhere between looking at pictures and reading old diary. And memories. Sigh bleh I forgot how disgusting pure alcohol is. Sigh long after sunset I don't feel the need for forcing myself to be happy. I rather just finaly goddamn cry again and curl in bed. I'm not gonna think anything out anyway. No matter how long I think if I should get over or keep persuading him. There is just no way out of this situation =| I be either way unhappy. It's really pissing me off. From what he looked before I made what he looks like now. Piece by piece. And that awfull ex-gf of his. It's really utterly depressing that THAT woman got accepted and I don't... Why the hell do these things happen to me? Who did I do so wrong that people keep hurting me...It's all just too depressing. I don't know why I want him so much when he doesn't have the characteristics I always wanted my bfs to have. The things I liked about his personality are a double side blade. They apply to the person closest to him at the moment. Just wish to die eh...

Good morning blog, at work again. At least not too depressed but... I wish I could decide easier sigh. Yesterday had another conversation with Fan, they will be never ending. I just can't decide if I should keep pushing him to stay with me or if I should try to forget about him, or if I should stay close friends with him with calling, visiting, webcamming and all or... Just too many options to choose between sigh. Even today I will repeat myself, I don't want to break up... not now out of all times sigh. Hmm...so much I went through with him, I don't think I want to loose contact but I'm scared that I won't get over him, that I will always have hopes that he will come back to me or the worst scenario possible... that I be there when he gets another girlfriend, the perfect daughter in law for his mother. Will prolly die out of jealousy and unfairness sigh. But even through all the reasons above, I guess I can't afford to break contact anyway. But if he does...? I remember that letter he sent me there was "that's why I wouldn't like to see you disappear from my life" = I guess starting from today I will just wish to be at peace however he decides. But it hurts so much sigh. Especially since I can't cry anymore, I can't get rid of the pain eh...how horrible sigh. I wish I could just cry it out god I tried the past days and yesterday again, but can't manage. Just have to store the pain until it's enough to be able to cry again or try very very hard to just be happy since summer started. Why does everyone always have to betray me?...Why does it have to be me to be loosing people important to me? I feel like in the middle of some drama movie. Some force really wants me to either really break down or to become really strong. I am to chose which one from those.

Dear blog, this morning I was uninspired of what to write. But this afternoon I met up with Klaudia and we had an interesting talk. Of how both of us have it hard in life and are both drained and depressed. And in that very moment sitting in the park and talking like adults for the first time I felt at peace. That I'm not the only one having it hard. We both have different kind of things that bother us, but also things that we have in common. Her family and friends are giving her a hard time just as my family and my friends/ex-bf are giving me a hard time. She sees no sense in life just as I don't. I know I said that I feel happy there for the moment, peacefull in the park just enjoying summer and talking. Until I go home again and wonder if he comes online and when he comes online and what he tells me and what he doesn't tell me. Klaudia said that it's cause I feel lonely that I so put my hopes on this one guy and that I should take a break from him. When I told her that you can be whatever you want to be, we both came to the conclusion that it is possible but it's harder to set your mind on it when life gets gradually harder for you. Maybe we both need those psychiatrists and maybe we just need someone who is going through the same. All in all she feels lonely just as I do. We have both been betrayed by people close to us. We have both been drinking alone. She also tries to pretend that everything is fine to everyone just as I do.

All I can say to my defense is that I wished to be loved and not alone. To be going out with my boyfriend to park, cinema, for coffee... all those boring things, that's all I wanted, but maybe more than once in a month... Bringing it to such heights as promising that I will move, that I'll learn chinese, that I will finish school so that persons mom is happy with me. I would do it, but I would feel more lonely than ever cause I would feel that I do so much for the other person and he doesn't do the same for me. Still I wish that person would change their mind and stay with me, but I don't know if I would be able to trust him again. To sum it up, I'm running in a circle. There is still a thin line that separates me from severe depressions. I know I'm quite deep already, all those magazines and things I read, got most of the symptoms, but that's good. The first step is always to realise. Hope sunshine can help me through.

Good morning again on saturday. Yesterday been quite terrible with my stomach on water all day long unable to even drink tea in the morning. And headache not to forget. Really intoxicated from that awfull stuff I drank before. Lol Michal seriously thought I'm close to alcohol poisoning after drinking that much absinth on an empty stomach with my frame. Maybe I would be if I didn't vomit almost everything out again...What would I tell my boss if I missed a day of work cause I had to go hospital to get the alcohol out of my system lol. But then again...That's how long it mend my heart. One day while I was drinking it and one day while I was trying to survive through work without collapsing. When you hurt physically you don't hurt psychically. I guess that's how cutters see it. I cut my arm, then when my arm bleeds at least my heart stops to. It works lol. I don't know if it's a good thing to find these out or not. I'm the same by now lol, I do all of it intentionally. I drink more than I can take, sleep less than it takes to get rid of the alcohol and then kill my blood pressure with excessive amount of coffeeine. I feel like Ryan. Each time he was faking that he cut his arm. I became like that lol, also attention seeking. Well I put the alcohol away, also to be honest the bottle is pretty much empty by now anyway. And I sleep a lot recently. But now it hurts again lol. Maybe cause it's saturday, it's awesome weather outside. Oh yea it's saturday lol, that guy had that plane ticket for today. Two weeks ago where I was bugging him with when he visits me again. That also reminds me of that time before the last visit. When I thought that it's the last time we see each other as he was leaving for the airport. It still hurts that much, over and over again. Where one step forward, one song or one picture can make you cry really badly.

When I go home from work lol, crossing all the streets I get reminded how I ran under a car the day before Fan was comming the last time. Of course Monika, in dreamland and tired, with earphones listening to music. Why did that stupid person hit breaks lol, it would be all over by now. Each day I go home I wonder how it would be to just get it over with and die lol. It's like when I was a child, I was always imagining what dangers were hiding behind the corner and the worst possible scenarios and how to avoid them. Just now I wish they would happen and get it over with me. Just part of growing up and evolving. Upon learning how miserable this world is you care less with each day. Also upon learning that my best friend, a guy I know for 14 years has a gun in his car... without a licence of course. =| Well I got a back up plan if I really one day get tired of life lol.

Good early morning, I just can't get back to sleep anymore even through I'm tired as hell and only slept for 4 hours. Hmm lol, well it seems the game is over. That guy rather listen to his mother and rather entertain guests on saturday than visit me. And I lol, when he said that I just called Michal. He drove straight here within 5minutes. It's been fun for whole 2 hours, until I had too much absinth and broke into crying. Should I mention it's the first time ever I cried in front of anyone openly, not even at my own home? While he was patting my back, holding my hand and looking into my eyes, which is strangely weird I didn't find it so unpleasant. Or how should I say, even tho fine I know him for over 14 years, I met him the second time in the past 5 years and then I end up drunk like that, till I literally had to throw up 3 times, which is probably the lowest moment of my life. I never got that drunk that the world was spinning and my stomach got so sick. Also I'm quite sure I never was so pitifull looking with all my mascara and eyeliner running down my face. Strangely, for this moment. It doesn't hurt that much anymore. Well what to say, Fan doesn't love me anymore lol, break up with me cause of his MOTHER and then even refuse to break up with me face to face and take his stuff back cause he has to entertain guests? I mean come on...How much of a douche bag asshole can someone get...

Good MORNING! Gonna be jumping on people heads today, I slept 11 hours straight! Like wow...Hmm @_@ Yesterday was quite interesting. Not to mention I was dying at work, literally, but when I got home. I webcamed with Fan for a bit and while I smiled, he cried lOl. Which is quite interesting...I say I smile cause I see my loved one, he say he cry cause even tho I smile he sees the pain he put me through so eh...Not really something happy to say, but made me kinda happy. For unknown reasons. Also the smses I received afterwards were even better. ._.' Even tho I slept through the night...so no idea how the evening went through...Should be scared I think. Actually I am. Scared that he announces another break up today. Well...what break up...can't break up when he views us as already broken up and I view us as together... I think I wake him up at 9am-9:30am, cause I gotta know = I don't want to break up } . { ! Siiigh... no no, can't make me.

Well, I go reread my smses some more, while listening to my all time favourite Qin Ai De Bie Zou duh...still got that on phone... ._.'

So uh...

Buh Bye...

Good morning. Eh...didn't really help myself with taking medical leave for half a day yesterday ;;; Did sleep 5 hours in the afternoon but then at night only slept 4hours. Also kind of not like the stabbing heart pain, even if it's weak lol. ._.' But eh don't regret anything = Yesterday was the first night in a long time that was bearable, even without vodka as well. Altho I still have it next to my table for cases of emergencies. But I think I had enough with 5 days vodka in a row, little sleep, lots of coffee, little of food and lots of stress. Felt my blood pressure quite badly yesterday and now still also, so I guess...today it's no coffee for me. See how I survive that ;;;

Hmm...another day another chance, had a talk with Fan yesterday...let's see how that ends this time = I would really unlike to go back to how I felt the past week, I don't think I've ever been so miserable for that many days. But I CAN'T really go back to that week, cause I'm not accepting any more break ups. At all. But still even tho I'm not accepting the break up, still quite depressed cause I just miss him. No cam, no calls, no sms, nothing from what I was surviving on the past year for a whole week... lol maybe my psychical pain is projecting into physical pain, cause I never really had heartache without drinking lots of strong coffee and surely not 2 days in a row. That also reminds me on something he said = "It's been painfull but I thought the decision is final". Hmm...that just purely sounds like that pain lasted for that one day only = Which would be quite depressing...considering I wouldn't get over. And also didn't want to get over. It's like what I have been answering my friends, when they were telling me to forget and get over. I just can't imagine being with anyone else. And I stick to that. It's easier when you decide what you want to do. I would forever have regrets if I just gave up like that. I actually have regrets about giving up for the past week already. It's like you finaly get a chance to prove that you love that person and do want to stay with them and...you just screw it o.o' . That day I pretty much executed my own break up, cause I didn't want to make life miserable for him, but erm... it's not me really making his life miserable, also neither he or I seemed any happy.

So now I can take Mr.Teddy and the comb I always carry in my make up bag out of the box & put back into my handbag. And I can finaly listen to songs that are purely ours for me, not to mention changing my phone background to our pic. Also...I never erased the night sky photo from my monitor background...Actually, I think I change my work monitor background to it as well.

Also ... I really can't say how surprising it is to see that some people do care. Apart from colleagues also my childhood friend from 14 years ago. Lol I could cry at some things he tells me. (Good that I know that he has a gf hes happy with, or I would think that he has other ideas about me...). Possibly meeting him again tonight to talk about stuff... Since hes prolly driving to my work to pick me up cause of the heavy rain today Lol...

And just got a lollipop from my coach...interesting day today. Hmm... so... yea... oh, also... a friend of mine got chinese classes on her university and since she knows many born chinese here... and I asked, I got an insider tipp about an agency that gives chinese language classes and it's actually near my place as well...just under the castle and the registration is already now in June. And I'm actually pretty excited about it already! I remember how going to french classes was, can't wait really *-* Well... I'll pray today goes well.

Literally pray

So bbye~

Hi again dear blog. At work now again, after sleeping for only something close to 4 hours again the past night. But this morning I finaly woke up and surprisingly I was decided. I was decided that I can't leave, also that I would regret it for the rest of my life if I didn't try everything to be with him. Also even if I COULD leave, the fact is, I don't want to. Not as long as our relationship is working out and it's been great. How can I give up when I know he loves me and I love him. = I can't and I don't want to. Not cause I don't study university yet, when I want to anyway. I still want to do all the things I planned before. And I won't be so easy to get rid of.

So it's time to deal the cards and start the game.