Dear blog~ Hmm... what to tell you, today I'm not really in a good mood at all. Actually dunnoe whats wrong. Guess I feel lonely today. Was playing audi for a moment. And it's been 12days since I last spoke to Fan and ignored his last sms. I packed all of the stuff I got from him into a package and it's ready to be send back to England. Well... I also talked to Ryan the past 2 days, not that it gives me anything really. He has no intentions to be anything with me so. Hmm... Nothing to write really, too uneventfull and boring.

Dear blog~~~ I've been doing well lately. Parents still gone, so I spent my weekend mostly going out with the dog, cleaning up, shopping and watching anime and korean dramas. All in all I guess I have a regular life. Working and going out with my colleagues, from time to time seeying my friends and attending to household. It's nothing special tho. But it's peacefull. I'm peacefull. A bit boring yes, but at least no bad excitement. Speaking of cleaning... I should clean up geez... but I'm so lazy sigh. Tired or over eaten... I've gained weight zzz ._.' healthy for me yes, but ... but.... now I have nothing to brag about really duh sigh. Oh well I guess I go get a coffee maybe and do some cleaning up . Saranghae Bbye~

Also...there was something else I wanted to talk about. Hmm recently I realised Ryan has a new girlfriend. I never talked to him anymore since he started comming back to MSN like 2-3 weeks ago. And he also never wrote. Recently the statuses are getting really obvious. I also know that my second real life boyfriend has a girlfriend for over a year. It's funny watching my past lovers getting in new relationships. I was very bitter over my 2nd real life ex, but I'm really happy for Ryan. Althrough maybe a bit sad too, since I'm all alone. But I guess I'm slowly ok with being alone. I slowly wish to stay alone. Maybe just cause I'm still too scared to be hurt again heh... sad I know. But this scar was really a deep one. I guess it all ended. Everything ended the moment I kissed another guy and told myself that this is the end and gave up. Now there are only things left like changing this blog's adress. There isn't anybody close enough to me who deserves to know this much intimate knowledge about me. Guess will change it before the next time I decide to blog something. I should prolly delete Amy and Chung from Facebook too. And still need to go post to send some things away from my room. Like they say disappear from eyes disappear from the heart too. I don't need anybody who doesn't need me. I don't need anybody who doesn't need me. I repeat this sentence in my mind over and over again if I get weak for a moment. It always makes me sane again. I'm glad for this life that was given to me. Hardships and betrayal taught me more valuable lessons in life than school ever could. Well guess I go do something else now o.o'

Bbye blog~

Hi again~ ... This morning 6am my parents left and I went back to sleep till I had to wake up for work. Hmm... sort of lonely now. Only left with dog and cat. Althrough I asked parents to take the dog with them cause I dont have the time and energy to be going out with him and taking care of him, but now I'm glad they kept him here. I'm always scared when I'm alone at home ... That's why the last years if I was left alone at home I always had someone to stay with me... but this time I'm all alone. If something happens to me there isn't anyone to notice. I've always been paranoid. I'm always scared. I'm a scary cat... since the time someone broke in our house or I did something and my consciousness was bad. ._.' Hmm.... alone home till tuesday. What will I do all alone here... hmm

Hiii again dear blog o.o' been busy lately to update! But tomorrow morning my parents leaving to visit grandma!!! So I have the house ALL for myself for the WHOLE WEEKEND! Yipee o-o Well a tiny bit sad, cause this was supposed to be the time Fan would visit? But oh well. I have a new theory on this issue. Is it too cruel to be looking forward till I get rid of my parents for a few days? Lol...

Hi again dear blog, like every so often. Toooday o.o I was at work of course, the girl was listening on my calls again and was picking up herself while i coached her. Also I stopped with all the coffee I've been drinking, it became unhealthy to my stomach. Hmm I downloaded a new anime named Angel Beats! so gonna watch it in the next few days. I've been also thinking that I should start playing audi again but only like...when I have everything else done and possibly with a new account cause too many sad things are bound together with the old account and also it's too high of a lvl and I became quite noob over the time so... yea... Well, I think I'll go cinema with Thai tomorrow and swimming with Karol at some point this summer. Since we cleared the relationship stuff I can keep him as a friend, althrough I'm not sure I can put up with his behaviour since he's so into himself, that it hurts my ears to listen to him and I have to roll my eyes all the time lol. Guess I have to get used. Also I was thinking of buying a new perfume by Yves Saint Laurent - Parisienne, but err not sure if I buy it this month or when I use all the other ones, since it's possibly goddamn overpriced here so... Yea. Well. Hmm... I guess that's it. See ya ~~

Hi dear blog... Hmm... I just figured out my obsession with trying to figure things out, and when I'm at peace for a while I wonder what's wrong and what happened with me that I'm not thinking over things. Yes, I was quite at peace the past few days. Well since thursday maybe. I wonder how my poor broken heart is doing. Maybe that's all I needed to prove myself that I'm indeed independent? Can't deny I refuse relationship with that guy but his attempts weren't that ... erm ... unpleasant. Ok, older men know what their doing but whatever. That's not what I wanted to be writting about. Actually I wish to forget about it as fast as possible. If anyone knew I would be embarassed to death, he's just not on my level... yes I'm superficial, I'm not sorry for that. Looks matter, I'm sorry, you need to face it, they do. You can't date someone who is absolutely unattractive to you, no matter how awesome his personality might be or how good of a kisser he is, or that he with luck guessed just what you like the most... *cough* erm yea. Anyway, he's fine as a friend and I'll deny that that day ever happened. As I said to him it was his 'Once in a lifetime opportunity' and I'm staying at that.

Hmm, work wasn't that awesome lately. We have new coach, new Team Leader, new members... The coach is quite nice I guess, but that's it she doesn't even know what we're doing really lol even through she came from CusCare. The new TL is trying out her new power and forcing people to do stuff, she's also quite nice but not nice to have as a boss. She now controlls us and gives vacation to too many people at once and then wonder how come our Service level drops when we're picking up call after call at the point of psychical collaps. She doesn't even speak any german, or else I would tell her to go pick the damn phone herself, when she gave everyone holidays.

And the girl I'm coaching... spoiled little brat with mental age of highest 16... She's such a kid for christs sake, she's half a year younger than me but mental age like 5 years below. She's kept throwing her pencil at the table when she didn't understand something, she kept drawing stuff into her notebook instead of paying attention, she kept going through my magazines, she kept opening MY drawer to borrow MY stuff (which I wouldn't mind if she at least bothered to goddamn ask), she got angry when I told her that she shall NEVER again drink something while having the headset on and a customer on her line unless she has mute on. Her reply was 'If I can't hear myself then they can't hear me either' and then she was throwing tantrums. Her computer is right behind mine, so she just pulls her part of the cable and goes do stuff on her computer... just simply impossible, I can't wait that from monday I'm rid of her and she call's herself and since she never paid attention, she doesn't know anything. Too bad for her. Gonna enjoy it.

What goes for my psychics... hmm... I wonder if I'm cured of my heartbreak now. As I don't feel anything. But also an empty heart can't love anyone new either. It's like so long long ago. I still would prefer the break up to never occur. But I guess it's a lesson for me to learn. Better to find out sooner than later. Althrough no one can stop the sort of thoughts like 'Maybe if I visited, maybe if his mom saw me, maybe if we didn't argue...maybe maybe maybe' He himself said I wasn't good for him, cause apparently I'm a crazy jealous monster. Erm... yea, right. Well sorry in the end I had all right to be jealous, since he wasn't a guy to be trusted. I guess it's possibly really over now. Can't deny that I kissed the other guy to block my own way back. I made out with him to finaly break the ties. Even through I have no intention of dating him, he cured me for the moment. I just dread the moment I need some 'curing' from him again...

Previous post - Nope can't do afterall... scared - nervous - stomach pain = not looking forward

Dear blog...I can't sleep again. Maybe it's cause I already slept from 8pm till 1am...maybe it's cause my head is full with thoughts. I... guess 3months of being single was enough. I really do need that type of closeness again, just really slowly need to resort it from one source to another. There are still many images burned inside of my mind of my past...a lot of what's already been. I have only this much strenght to wait for roughly 3months. Tomorrow... I guess I can make it dramatic and see if one of the shooting stars grants me my wish... Maybe it's gonna be better than I thought. He knows what hes going into with me. I never had a guy admire me this much, accept me the way I am with the mistakes I made and deal with my past. I will see if I can get past appearances and make the best out of it. I'm actually scared... I didn't have a boyfriend in real for 3 years? ... It's so long ago. I'm also excited through... but still scared. Give another man the power to do the same thing to me that happened the last time. Sigh...I can't show this to him ever. Feels like I plan on using him to get me through this. Not that he didn't offer it more than willingly... Sounds so unromantic... I prolly didn't think the same tho when I took that rose from him.

Hmm dear blog... I haven't been posting regularly anymore since a very long time... Actually I wanted to keep away from blogging certain things, but then again I'm a bit lazy to be writting my diary in paper form...

Hmm...I do have mood periods...for a while it's fine, then when you think it's gonna stay good and your over everything that makes you sad, you collapse into being really miserable...then after it's fine for a while again. But hmm... it's not the same as 3months ago anymore. I won't be writting anything special here, writting some things here already backstabbed me in the past. I'm actually really confused myself and probably just rambling around.

I refused to meet with Karol since tuesday... that guy sure has high hopes, since he dared to attempt to kiss me in public, more so in front of my house, during daylight, while waiting for a stupid tram. How pathetic god... -.-' Thank's god I'm good at dodging since I already had many opportunities to train that with Thai.

Well don't have much to say really... So I'll end it with a song and lyrics.

Inna – Do You

I went back in time so many times, when we were two. Even though I know that you forgot, you forgot about us. It’s sad without you, when you’re not here. Thinking about my memories makes me cry, makes me hope. I have a single question,do you?Do you know how it hurts when I always look at you? Do you?Or is it only me who knows that. Whenever I see your face,do you?Do you know how it hurts when I always look at you?Do you?Or is it only me who knows that. Whenever I see your face.I waited so many nights.My soul is empty. Whether you don’t want or can’t come back now,looking up at the sky I have only one thought…I’m still waiting you,hoping you will be back soon.

Dear blog... I feel like vomitting sigh... Yesterday as well... Not that I ate something bad or anything like that... Yesterday I just cried to the point that my throath tightened and I felt like vomitting. I don't understand, anything. Anything at all. I didn't know something can make me this sad.

Now I know what I should do, but I don't know what I want to do. I'm too scared of a new relationship, I don't love that guy. I just... consider him an option cause he's nice.

I wonder how thing's can be so similar. The situation I'm in I've been in already numerous times, but never have I been so heartbroken in it. I... really did everything. I would do anything. And yet even if all of it failed, I don't want to give up. Althrough I have been with that guy on numerous dates, I kept it friendly cause I didn't want to anyhow block my way back. I don't really want any other guy touching me to be absolutely honest...it gives me the creeps...

But I sort of got partly what I wanted... I somehow managed to make Fan talk to me again, even through I haven't lied. I really thought about giving up and starting new and wanted him to be there cause I'm scared. But the moment I said it I realised giving up hope...is the one thing I cannot do. I don't want to do. I failed and cried miserably for 2 hours. I'm not sure if it's bad or not though. I felt worried when I didn't feel the need to cry.

But I don't want to not even be able to talk to him... that's probably the priority. But... I don't want to give up. Sigh... I wan't to go back in time...

Memento

Hi again dear blog~... Just woke up after a 3hours nap. Hmm...it's been...interesting at work...A lot of gossip about yesterdays party and what everyone did and said when they were drunk lol. And a lot of discussion about that guy...Whole office was curious about which high rank guy been openly asking me to date him in front of half Dell... Not sure I like it. Didn't really need to spread THIS around. Not into the whole office at least. Been with him on a coffee today, on the top roof of Dell. He asked me out again, first for friday, then for weekend, then even that we could take someone 3rd with us when I declined all the previous offers. ~.~ The non hetero colleague of mine been even trying to convince me to give him a try... Guess no one can say a bad word about this guy, everyone likes him. But to be honest, I like his personality, I like his interests and everything but... his looks. I know I'm super superficial, but you can't date a guy you're not attracted to at all. Not like he would be offended by this, he would go straight shopping with me and let me choose clothes and have me choose a perfume that I would like on him. I wonder why all the guys try to speed it up so much. This is the third guy I'm maybe about to refuse. All of them just because they been way too hasty and freaked me out. But this guy also downloaded audition and likes it... like lol... audition! If I weren't so superficial I might have a great relationship now...

Dear blog... Since I'm quite drunk I'll keep it short. Well I still vaguely remember this guy asking me if I give him a chance and date him, I also vaguely remember him stroking my hair for quite a while seeming like he really enjoys it. I also remember him almost throwing this other guy over when he allowed himself to touch me. He's been also fanning me with the menu list for the whole night cause I've been hot. And he also been bringing me drinks. He's also very funny, he's nice and all my colleagues seemed to enjoy his presence. Even I have to admit he's a perfect gentleman, we have the same interests, he even downloaded audition for me, he earns good money at dell, he's good to his parents, he's perfect... Now why am I so unhappy about a perfect man wanting me...

Hiii dear blog *-* Just came home from work and shopping~~~ Guesssss what o.o' Today that guy wrote me on my work communicator. And we practically talked the whole day at work. And went out for lunch together lol... He was nervous as hell as well which just increased his communication skills, but that's fine at least I got to eat in peace while he was talking Lol. He also brought me anime to watch at work and home lmao. Started with XXX Holic even if it's not exactly the newest one. And I already have an invitation for sushi from him lol... can't refuse free sushi. Also he's way over my level at work... Maaaybe... just maaaybe it could be something lol.

End of blog~ *goes watch anime*

And he works in Dell too... Call it fate...

Omg Omg I met the absolute most fitting guy for me! Black hair, black eyes, likes anime, works and is slovak *-*Speaks german and english as well. Ok let's look away from the fact that hes 29... still lol and he goes to AnimeCon! I love how one day can change everything! :3 Now let's see...if this guy is something for me.

Good evening blog~ Just woke up from an afternoon nap of 4hours lol. Dying from tiredness at work recently. Still I love to be at work if not many people are calling. Today we had lots of cakes and cookies from a colleagues wedding. So I was pigging out lol. Hmm... I also kinda got addicted to sushi lately...Ok maybe I ate it just twice, but I find myself craving it almost everyday. But who would spend that much money on it each day lol. Eating sushi in worth of 10euro (the least) each day is a pain for my wallet lol. I also watched Slayers done, all of the episodes. Now I only have to make myself continue my Fanfiction. It annoys me that I can't find the will or inspiration to continue it. I wonder why I suddenly lost all of it. I also started to buy Hello Kitty stuff...? I could say that my transformation is complete.

It feels like a lot of things have happened. It feels like some sesions of my life were so far far ago. I wonder how much time it's really been. It's also a few months ago that I got this job. Definitely changed my life. Now unlike before I go out every single day, I have friends to spend the day with and I like to go work (unless like I mentioned too many people call). I'm also single which means I can invest all of my time into myself only. Also found out that I won't find a normal slovak guy who would share my interests. I guess I'm seriously destined to date asian guys for the rest of my life lol. Suits me best. I just don't find slovak guys attractive. Sort of. Maybe even if not asian probably not slovak through lol. Ok well maybe I shouldn't say never. There is never a never. But like, I got so many guys lined if I wanted lol. In any case, I figured out I shouldn't waste my time with 'giving guys a chance' if I'm not really into them from begin with. Will spare me a lot of time and effort. Why should I put so much effort into a relationship where the man wanted me first. They should work hard to convince me that they're good boyfriends. Lol. If nothing else then I learned to love myself over everyone else around me. No one else is worth it. You only have to live with yourself for the rest of your life. So you can just as well make it as interesting as possible for yourself. And being the prolly prettiest girl on the whole floor does spice things up a little bit. (Ok, or let's say one of the prettiest)

Hi dear blog. Geez I'm so tired. I'm always tired mondays after the sleep regime change over weekend. So was dying at work and then once I finished work, Klaudia called me over to Aupark for sushi. So after checking out 3 phone numbers I got a cab that was available on Obchodna and went there. Then I took a whole plate of sushi along with sweet sour soup lol...Ok maybe the soup consistency isn't exactly to my liking but I'm fine eating sushi. I actually was craving some when I got from work. Klaudia just read my mind lol somehow... Then we girls went for some shopping lol and I got these Hello Kitty things... I dunnoe since when I go "awww" at Hello Kitty stuff?... Maybe my metamorphone into an asian girl is complete now... apart from the slanted eyes.

So there is... a Hello Kitty purse mirror, Raspberry Hello Kitty Lip Gloss, Hello Kitty Body Splash Exotic Fruit and Hello Kitty Eye Shadow Pallete with 4 adorable eye shadows (that probably don't last long). It was kind of a waste of money but all of this together was like just... 11 Euro? I spend more money on the sushi stuff lol...

And so... then we went for coffee and I got driven home, went out with the dog right after and then went shower. And here I am now. Have to do some proper shopping tomorrow tho. Need to buy some face products and stuff...Nivea sucks horribly. Those things are so perfumed it doesn't do me good at all. Oh well tomorrow work 8am... Won't get much sleep again. But still I was out, I had fun and I'm glad I didn't just sit home the entire evening when I could go out. So yea... proud of myself. Oh well~ Bbyes~

Hmm hi again. I wonder if it's possible to become disgusted with the whole male race. Cause I just find all of the guys (and honestly since the past ten months, I could have at least *counts* 6 of them) disgusting right now. They're creeping me out, I don't find them attractive at all. I just don't want to be around them, don't want to talk to them. They bore me. I feel sick if anyone starts giving me compliments. I think they're all fake. They lie. They're unnecesarry. I can be on my own. I also prolly will. I'm fine alone. All alone lol. Who would think so. Me who was depressed over the lack of company. I actually am depressed by all the attention they give me. They ruin the game. They're hasty and try to hurry it up. I felt happy until I was writting with this guy today. He's so damn boring. He's also fish from zodiac, he's just BORING! Geez... sigh. -_-' Is it possible to feel sick to your heart lol? If yes then I do. Feels contamined with disgust and hatred. Mostly disgust. -_-' Oh well, I'm more happy from my work than male attention. It just serves to boost my ego.

Hi again dear blog! I just have to share this with you! I just did the most awesome and the most inexpensive shopping ever! Got an awesome new make up Dermacol Filmstudio Barrandow Praque Make-Up Cover, it's waterproof, has SPF30 is hypoallergenic, it's absolute full coverage, it's the right pale shade for my skin and it cost me...... whole....... 4,61Euro -.-' wtf... Never switching this make up again. Ok, I just really had to share this. Unbelievable how much money i wasted for bad make ups in the past when czechs do a proper make up, of the quality of high class brands for just silly 4,61Euro -.-'''

Also the weather finally cooled off. It's a nice 23grades today with strong (but not cold) wind. Absolutely awesome chilly weather after all the hot days in the past week! Well o.o I guess I quit my rambling here lol. Bbyes

Hi again dear blog~ Guess what I just took myself and went out at 11pm with Adam for some Kofola (in my case Caffee Latte) and we talked in a pub outside till 00:30am then went to McCafe for cake and chocolate till 1am and just talked about stuff. Was really nice since the weather is cooling off. And I feel a lot more sane right now. To be honest I don't know what to think about what happened. I don't know if I should think that it was my imagination if the guy isn't there in the morning anymore. I will check again around 5am or so when the sunlight is clear and I can see stuff again. I don't know what I'll do when I see him either...Maybe it was just some object looking similar to a person, with my bad eyesight and headache at that time maybe I didn't see correct. In any case I never thought I would have to deal with thinking I have hallucinations this young. I don't know what to think about dad not seeying the person, when I saw him clearly. If it's there till the morning and my parents see nothing again I think I go check my health as soon as possible. I definitely don't want to end up being psycho in my early twenties. Althought I dunnoe how to explain this happening to me. I was actually being really calm and happy lately. Maybe I was supressing too much stress? Maybe sadness? Maybe heat stroke? Or fatamorgana? I don't know really, it's been freakish. Althrough I don't feel scared in my room, but I am scared to go look again and see if it's there or not... I plan on gripping to reality anyway. Geez I know I have been talking about dying a lot and how life is worthless cause nothing good been happening to me, but really God no need to send me ghosts and hallucinations to send me to grave earlier. In a way I love life and I want to see what else it has in store for me ~.~ Please God just let it be come object looking like a man from a far... please. Or I have to deal with dead people and ghosts or hallucinations. I don't want to. Also I'm all alone on this. Even the only person I thought I could tell about this without them declaring me for blind or stupid made jokes about it. Thanks Fan, really didn't help. In times like this you see who's worth your time and whos not. Do i have to crawl over and beat the shit out of some stalker pervert peeking into my room? -_-' Where is my baseball bat... sigh...

Dear blog... I'm sort of really creeped out. I just wanted to take a breath of air outside on the balcony and then I saw a guy on the rooftop of that new build house starring into our kitchen creepingly...At first I looked at him, like really looked, giving him the notice that I saw him and that whatever pervert he is, he should go hide...but he doesn't move one inch at all.... No matter how many times i looked he just still stands there the same way. And when I called my dad to tell him about it, I pointed at him told him where exactly and he saw nothing? ... Please God let me wake up cause this is too creepy. I don't want to have hallucinations like my mom did...I'm really quite scared...quite a lot...even if it were a real person, what human being can not move at all for this long...

Hi again blog...I somehow stopped posting on a daily basis during work...Maybe I should start again? Geez so bored... seriously. But damn lazy and tired to do anything productive in this heat. Also my head hurts from the lack of oxigen...Can't wait for tomorrow's rain, like honestly. This heat is really impossible...I love summer for christs sake, but this weather is so... over the top omg. Tropical, humid, just plain crazy. This is not afrika for egypt for christs sake, this is middle europe. And its like 28grades celsius during night as well...It never freaking cools off! T__T And hmm...I'm at a loss of what to do. Today I just noticed I haven't been really talking to Fan this previous week either. Guess it didn't bother me since I only noticed now somehow. Oh well too busy putting up with other men. With a few despos...I wonder if one of them is at least decent. I doubt the guy at work is decent... He just seems like everything has to be his way and I can't find a proper conversation with him. That's what you get for telling a Software Technician your name, when he chats you up in the kitchen -_-' Your dumb Monika dumb! You should have run with your coffee lol... Sigh...things have changed. Somehow I feel it's all different. Work...Private life... Guys that approach me. I remember this guy at work said "You're way more than the average, I'm surprised you talk to me." Yea I'm surprised too I talked to him... Sigh... What do I do. So bored.

Yesterday a colleague was on my computer, after her shift ended, talking to a british guy. Then later on he called my phone line and asked me to put him through to Cust Care and said I have a soft voice and easy on the ears lol...Then when my shift ended he was walking by, the named colleague went to talk to him and the british guy pointed at me and asked if thats me... no idea which way I'm supposed to take it but... Yea...

Then a few guys write me over internet...Dunnoe I think I might actually have found someone on my wave lenght yesterday, since the conversation was fluent and I actually had fun talking to him. But yea... hmm...

Geez Moni find a hobby. Testing out men is not a sport (even thought you might win)

Also the last two days I saw Ryan online on MSN, however he didn't write me and I also didn't write him so... But still surprised. Hmm... I guess I should start doing something. Maybe make myself a strong coffee and watch some anime...Or do some cleaning? Or go shop?... I actually havent spend more than 40euros since I got paid and thats 3 days ago... And from that 15 euros were on the asian restaurant and 15 were on shoes and then just some groceries like shower gel and cat food...

Now I remember I woke up from a nightmare...I dont really remember what it's been about anymore, I think I and some other people were travelling or got lost...then I only remember we got stopped by some guy asking if we understand chinese. Then that guy showed me a picture of a missing-lost-dead (no idea) guy... then I only remember being really sad, to the point that I felt so overhelmed by sadness, that my chest felt so heavy it pulled me out of sleep. -_-' Creepy I know...no idea what that sort of dream is supposed to tell me. I don't usually have dreams that convert into real physical pain. -_-'

Oh well I guess I quit my rambling here and like... do something. Whatever. Just something (that preferably makes me cooler). ~.~

BBye~

Hiiii again blog I know I've been neglecting you again but yea. Had nothing to write really but erm...now I really fucking wonder why I have to be attracting such despo psycho type of guys with self-esteem problems. Like that Jozef guy from Facebook. He was so clear on the topic from begin with that he wants me that it wasn't pretty anymore. It ruined the whole game. And I had no interests anyway. And when I delete that guy (cause seriously I don't need any despos) I catch the attention of another one in work? Like hell, come on give me a break. At least send a normal guy my way or don't send me any. But not these creeps, that are oozing the desperateness to get me, from begin. I honestly don't like, when someone just starts hitting on me from begin on and starts being very obvious when he doesn't even know me. It mean's the guy goes purely for the looks and I really don't need that kind of guys around me. Of course it's flattering that they like my looks, but if we can't even enjoy a normal conversation, then it has no sense at all. And I can't find a normal conversation with this guy, so... and he's just so plain obvious it ruins the whole fun and creeps me out. Over before it already began. So GOD!@ Either a NORMAL guy or NO guy... I'm in no mental shape to cure low self-esteem and desperation.

Hi hi~ Hmm what's on my mind right now hmm. I'm having a coffee in my between-cleaning break. Did some laundry so far and part of kitchen. And so.. yeah. Cleaning weekend. Won't be doing it during week I believe. So hmm ... well, it's July now. Already summer break. I was wondering what I want to do about my school stuff for next year. Time I sit down and do a little research on my possibilities soon. This month would be best. Well I applied for two days of work during saturday so far, so I get 2 extra days off. Will do a bit more saturday working so I can be taking some days off when I need it for school maybe. And after all being home all day long doesn't do me good. Other people relax and I just end up being lazy to do anything and as result of that I end up being horribly bored. And then get a lot of crazy thoughts. Oh and did I tell you? This month I still have some money left lol and didn't waste it all in the first 2 weeks. But gonna waste it this week anyway, when I pay the internet bill (70euros yay,... that's what I get for being lazy to pay it each month) and I ordered a pair of beautifull silver earing with amethysts in them! They're absolutely gorgeous! They're gonna compliment my brown hair. Yes, I'm definitely dying it back. Now I just have to think over if I do it myself at home or go to my hairdresser and pay big money. She's gonna be so happy to find out I'm going to dye it right back brown lol... 120Euros gone on this blond hair. Which doesn't really...well it DOES suit me, but brown compliment's my complexion way more. Everyone said so. I think so as well. So no point putting more money into dying this blond hair. And brown is a lot more elegant. Which is what I am. A lady lol. I also thought that around this time last year I was renovating the whole house, cause Fan was supposed to visit. It was a great summer through. Just relaxing, enjoying the summer (even tho I refused to even go out into that heat last summer), I was trying out my natural given cooking skills lol... Cleaning and everything, having long walks with the dog. Was great indeed. I sort of plan on repeating it this summer as well. Simply cause it's been great last year I guess. Parent's should be leaving at 16th august, which is Monday...Hmm they could leave on 14th. Actually no idea when they leave really, they don't know themselves and so I can't organize it either. But they could leave on 14th and I would take maybe.. additional 3 days off during the week and work it back with saturdays. Wouldn't kill me, a few days off work with company. It can't be all that complicated. Just really need to stop trying manipulate things and stick to your beliefs. And accept the situation and look at the benefits of it. Have to block out the fact of how we got here. The 1 year of lies and betrayal and that it was originaly ment to be just a fling for sex. Can't change the past. Such things happen to me. I guess what he said yesterday was true. So many options none of them right, you just have to choose one that brings you the most benefits and stick to it, without regrets. And I can get benefits from keeping him around. Cutting him out of revenge doesn't really give me any benefits. But it's easier said than done, I know I will have hard times and swaying back on my decisions again. Everyone does.

Well what I was saying before. People should stick to their beliefs. Life is all about choices. You have a choice in everything. I used to be such an optimistic happy kid goddamnit. Lol...People close to me got me so damn down, it's unbelievable.

Good afternoon o.o' I just decided I'll dye my hair back to brown very soon. Blond does sort of suit me, but brown is just the best. Today I'm in on some relaxing and cleaning. This house really needs some throughrough cleaning finaly. I should really start with my own room. I always clean other rooms but forget about my own zzz. Hmm... well, I played some AudiEu today. I also tried to write another chapter of my fanfic, but it's hopeless. Just no inspiration what so ever. I guess I can get back to it at some point. Doesn't necesarrily have to come out whole at once. Any idea why I openned this new post? I don't really have much to write actually. Guess I end it here o.o' I go finish my cup of water ( I'm throughroughly hydrating! ) and then go start my cleaning stuff with good music. :) Need to get my mind off things finaly.

Hi again blog blog... Hmm well I've been at work till 8pm. From 7pm till 8pm I got a visit from a colleague from the main central. Well he quit at 7pm and spend the time just talking to me there. Then after work we invited me for coffee, so I thought why not. And went to this pizzeria on Obchodna and talked... and talked. And then went on a walk under the Michael's gate and round around Tesco and back to Obchodna again. So I basically got home at 10pm sort of. But I really envy this guy. He has clear in everything, he's happy and in peace with everything. Believing in the greater good and karma, and that what you give to the universe will come back to you. Maybe it's a bit over the top, but it's the sort of thinking I would really like to have myself.

The little stupid confused me. Who changes mind every half second. I really do change mind in half a second. It's simply because... it's so complicated. There are so many choices, so many opportunities, so many possibilities... And neither one of them ends good. They're all painfull,sad and hard to get through with. I have been going through them all. Waiting for a wonder maybe? A wonder within myself, a wonder from outside. That maybe I will accept the situation as it is and wont be saddened by it, or won't be trying to manipulate things secretly or hoping for anything. But I can't. I just keep lying to everyone and to myself as well. It's not really lies, it's not the truth either. Or it's all true and partly lies? It's how I feel things for that moment. But it's so hard to keep any of those choices up. That's the reason why what I say often contradicts. I realise myself. I don't know myself which of those is the real truth. It's all true. It's all what I feel. My emotions are that complicated and contradicting. That's the important fact. They change by the second. I don't know what to do about it anymore. I can't settle my mind on anything. I need someone else to decide really, but I won't be happy with either decision the person makes. I go from wanting to stay close friends to wanting to kick him completely out of my life and I honestly want both.

But what I want most maybe, is that none of this would ever happen. But that's also not true, cause I also wanted all of this to happen. I just didn't want it to end maybe? Is it good when you through that much complicated pain? The time was nice, while it lasted. Or would you rather have it not happen at all, so you don't end up in this painless and complicated situation? But then you wouldn't have all the pretty stuff happening either. I'm just rambling for myself I think. Each time when I'm at the verge of tears, I write this much. Just to put it black on white, so maybe it would suddenly start making sense? Crying isn't really bad. But it's not often when I'm so angry with the world and myself, that it feels like someone is holding my throath and choking me. When I feel that I'm so angry that I can't speak. Yea I prolly can't get out a single word now if I tried to speak.

So back to topic... what's the ultimate truth Monika. Maybe you should answer yourself some questions. Let's try to answer some questions honestly then.

1.Why do you change your mind so often and can't settle on any decision?

2.Why did you really do, what you did in that park?

3. What is it that you really really want?

4.Why did you turn on your MSN, when only today you said you want to cut him out of your life and gonna delete MSN?

5.Why didn't you change your blog adress and let him read all these private thoughts of yours?

Answers:

1.Because I don't like either one option. Simple as that. I change my mind as I try out the options, see what works and what doesn't work. And honestly nothing works. It's all just trying to convince myself that it's fine the way it is, but it's not. Guess I live in denial.

2.Partly cause I wanted to test myself. See if it does something with me, see if I feel disgusted or good. To test the other persons determination and feelings as well. Partly cause I may still love him, althrough I don't feel hurt about the break up. I think my whole "I'm over you." was really only "I'm over the pain you caused me by the break up." It's been the same. It all felt the same as before, simply with the fact that I kept in my mind that we're not together. It was on my mind all that time. Maybe I did it cause I thought it would change something. Maybe I thought that it would move something inside of him? I also did it cause I missed the closeness. It's not the same from anyone else. It had to be him. He's the only person who's embrace would make me feel better for that moment at least. But all of this is so self-destructive. It felt good for the moment, it helped me to restore at least a bit of that emptiness. But now... I feel awfull. And I feel good at times. I thought so much that I overthought it.

3.I just wanted to have my little relationship. One that was far from perfect, but perfect by not being perfect. I put everything into it. Now that I put everything into it and got nothing back, I feel really drained. I feel that I want to have a relationship, but I don't dare to go into a relationship risking that I end this hurt again. So then again I don't want a relationship. I feel like I want to have friends, but on the other hand I feel like I can't trust anyone. So all the atempts, I just evade and stample them as superficial. So I want to have friends, but I sort of don't want to have anyone around me that can betray me again. Do I want that much? Friend's that won't betray me and love that won't only hurt?

4. Cause I'm naive and sort of believing that he changes his mind again? Even tho I don't want to go through all of this again. But I also want to, the same as I don't want to. Cause I'm weak and scared. After all there is a reason why he is the only person who is allowed to read all of this stuff I write here. I'm so scared of leaving for good. Cause if I figure out that this was a stupid idea, there might be no way back again. Ever. I'm scared that I cross the bridge and then it crumbles down and there is no way back for me. I just like to keep the backdoor open. Which is exactly what I shouldn't do. But I sort of want to. And I also don't want to.

5.My blog, some of these posts, are highly private. It seems no matter how many times he breaks my trust, I will still trust him blindly? And stupidly. I just don't learn. In the first two weeks, I thought that maybe he will see how much he hurt me and change his mind again. And all in all I think... when I'm not ready or not brave enough to tell him something, I just write it here and hope he's clever enough to understand. It never worked through and never will.

And geez I'm no cleverer than before. I'm just more positive about my confusion and all the posibilities, from which I cannot chose. Why do I have to think this far zzz. He never thought about anything, he doesn't care about anything, why me? Why do I have to go through all of this, from everyone around me? No answer to that question. I'm just rambling crap. And nothing make more sense and I still feel no better. Yay...

Hii dear blog o.o I think I may have been neglecting you a bit lately, like my fanfiction. Just not so much into writting lately lol. Needed a break maybe after sweating out 15 pages of fanfiction in Times New Roman, size 11. Soooo yea, I'm back today. I had the day off to spend with Fan after a long long while. Had some time in the nature since we went to the forest almost outside of Brat. Really looots of bugs and bugs... but also sunshine, nature and yea... NATURE! Oh my I haven't seen any park or forest in ... ok park in months for a longer while, but forest... in YEARS. A lot has been going on there lol, well... ok ya a lot. In all possible aspects. But I'll keep that outside of being written here. We also took cable cars to the top and back down... I thought I'm gonna fall out and die... erm, they really looked crappy and unstable, but they actually... ok they looked crappy but they sure were stable. Althrough not many security measures, so if you would want to suicide you could easily undo the safety stuff and jump do your demise, but erm. Yea I don't remember it being wobbly or shaky at all. I think it's been my first time on that thing, definitely outside of skying cable cars and even that was many years ago. Hmm, then we went back to the city center. (Hallelujah, the bugs...) And I had him get me not one, but two coffees! Ok my mood was swinging a bit. I wonder what I've been thinking about. Actually prolly that I realised it's been no coincidence all of what happened. I really wanted all of it. I did miss the closenes and he's the person I wanted it from. And I got it. For a moment I thought where this get's me again and if I'm not risking all of what I went through and sliding back into the old times. But hmm, I guess I can live with myself. Definitely not living in my dreamland of thinking that what happened would make us a couple again. Lol even if he would maybe want I can't imagine how much effort he would have to put into persuading me and proving that I can trust him again. Not that I wouldn't want to be with him, if he never broke up, but really I just shut up. I'm not going into this old thoughts. I can live with myself wanting that closeness. I'm no small girl anymore really. Oh I know, I think part of that mood swing was cause I thought along the lines like 'You should respect urself more than this. Having him break up and giving him exactly why he was with you in the first place.' But honestly, I iniciated it. So w/e. Was fun. Lol

God please tell me why I feel so unhappy with no real reason to zzz. I even DREAM about being caged up and then I wake up in panic...What the hell... =.= Why can't I make ONE proper decision in my life... I will be really tossing coins and forbidding myself to even loose a thought about it. I seriously really hate my trace of thoughts. My mind is full of doubts, I doubt EVERYTHING I think. It's really impossible to go through life with such unstable mind. Like I decided that I want to get rid of this new stalker of mine, but then there is always this back thought that he can be a really nice guy if I give him a chance. The last time I gave someone a chance when I wasn't really in love with them is almost 1year and 2months ago. He did become a nice guy to date when I gave him the chance, one way or another, but our relationship was unhappy and ended with a fiasco. And on the other hand I don't want to date a 28 year old guy, whos obsesses with war and cars, who doesn't really know what anime is (which is a great deal of my personality and life), he can't speak any english as far as I know (and most of my life is enfolding in english) and I don't even really like his looks. Or how desperate he seems to get me... It's supposed to be a game eh, he should know how to deal the cards slowly to make the girl interested and wanting to see what's gonna be next. End of story. Just decide you stupid Monika. You can't never be with a guy, who knows nothing about anime or audition. Who can't speak english fluently and someone who you don't like from his appearance. Plus the person might throw you compliments at each step but he has no charm what so ever. Delete + block. END OF STORY!

Hi blog~ I noticed I blog less and I also gave writting a break for a while. Hmm maybe cause I felt so empty as off lately that I had no inspiration what-so-ever, my life being ... actually, my life is not boring. My ruined life could make a good movie story, along with my ruined love life lol.

But lately... this one guy. Hes being overly honest, presenting his heart on a silver tablet. Before I always liked when guys would be honest and brave enough to admit they felt drawn to me. But erm... dunnoe if it's cause of all the ruined relationships I have behind me, or cause of how I ended up tosses away in my last relationship, or cause I'm scared to start a new one just yet? Whatever the reason is, hes freaking me out...like really freaking me out. Three weeks ago I logged in on one of these online pages, thinking that I should find myself a replacement, but then I changed my mind to think that I gave up searching anything over internet. Then this one guy I barely exchanged few messages with ... well while I was gone he wrote me like 4 times. Now that I gave him my facebook, he spams me messages. Well... he's 28 ok... a bit old maybe. Maybe I don't fancy blond hair and blue eyes either...Ok nevermind the haircolour I just dont fancy hair that short and military stuff. But I doubt he walks like that around in the city. He has a car, he lives in a family house a bit outside of Brat with his parents (omg another guy living with parents) but they're supposed to have pretty flowers in the garden all right...and he's not the type to listen to his parents, thanks got for this trait in slovakian guys. But he can't speak english so far I know, and most of my life is going on in english. But that shouldn't really be a problem or?

He said many many times how pretty I would be, which leads me to the question that he only wants me for my looks. Which would lead towards sex. And I'm not willing to sink that low. That's what I think at least about a guy that want's to date me, without knowing anything about me, my background or my personality. He will regret wanting to date me, cause I look like an angel (in his view), when I smash his head against the wall one day.

He has two older sisters, so I guess a guy that has sisters should know what girls want. Older sisters always teach their little brother lol. He was in military as well, so I guess hes no pussy and knows how to take care of himself and me also.

But er after one day telling me things like he wants to hear my voice, have my phone number and that he want's to spend time with me... give me a break please, slow down a little. -_-'''

So yea... maybe my life isn't that boring after all. Apparently I have no difficulty finding a guy, but it's hard to find a decent one, worth my time, with whom the relationship won't end in a complete fiasco... My, my haven't I grown cautious...

Well apart from all this... it's sunday, guess I have to do some cleaning since I did nothing really yesterday. Slept through the whole day till late afternoon and then was with my Thai till 22:30 or so... Shopping, walking around and having coctails. So... yea all the cleaning is stacked upon today. So much for sunday being even the God's day off, to relax.

Lol dear blog, I have to tell you this. One particular (slovak) guy I met on this online page and added to facebook. Just proposed that he really really likes me and wishes there would be more between us than just friendship lol... not to mention he said i enchanted him lool... so much honesty im speechless o-o' when i least expect it also lol...omg

Sigh Hi blog. It's so damn damn hot outside, even tho I really love summer. I don't like fainting cause I can't catch a proper breath in this humid weather.

Did I mention I'm learning to like myself from begin again? In the past years I was the kind of person that would judge her own worth, by how others saw her. Now that I am separate and alone, I have to judge my worth by myself. That would mean get over my childish complexes of things that I can't change anything about, like my breasts or extremely pale skin. So today I went to work without any stockings or thights. Thats probably the first time I went outside with bare legs wearing a dress or skirt lol... and I managed pretty good, I actually didn't feel ashamed or anything actually. So I'll congratulate myself on this small success. Good job Moni!

I also really started to take good care of my appearance, even more so than before when I had a bf. If someone didn't think that it's possible to take even more care, then it is. I'm the living proof.

But there are other things bothering me. I can't really put my finger on what through. I guess some of this hidden bad feeling is cause it's end of school year, which means everyone is talking about exams and stuff, at work as well, so I get reminded of it a lot. Which means I would feel better if I just apply for this other school already. But I don't really want to omg... I'm actually scared to apply to another school. I kinda don't believe that I can get through to the end of all those 4 years all by myself... Sigh I feel so low. I always channeled my energy on these kind of things from the support I got from the people who loved me. I never was able to do anything alone. Even as a child I always had to have someone escort me everywhere, cause I knew I wouldn't go alone. So I had them come with me, to make sure I go when it was important. I'm scared to fail..... I'm scared what people are gonna think of me and that they're gonna look down on me. I know they have every right, even Fan did lol. But even through I know they have the right to look down on me, that I'm ready and willing to face it. My parent's didn't even ask for this year's school papers. They surely know I quit yet another school. Even I myself am ashamed of myself lol, to the extent that I'm at the verge of tears just cause of thinking about this. That's why I'm scared to face the rest of my relatives. Family love? What's that lol...

Also yesterday... *takes a deep breath* Yesterday again lol. When he mentioned about visiting. I felt nothing at first, I didn't really desire to spend a whole day with him, so I refused to take a day off. But I guess I do wish to see him for a while maybe. I didn't like how he's been talking about it, visiting wien and some forest and who knows what. I don't wish to spend a whole day with him, but I wished he would wan to spend the whole day with me. Althrough I feel no love for him anymore, I'm scared to what extent I rely on him. I just expect him to always want to be with me, that he would want to stay with me and that he would need me. So even tho I didn't really want to spend the day with him, or let's say I didnt know if I should spend the day with him, I was angry and upset about him caring that little. Sigh I didn't feel the need to have him close to me the week before. But ever since I wrote him that sms that I let him stay and started to again fully communicate with him. I slipped back into the previous obsession way too easily. It's scary. I'm scared into getting hurt again like I was the first two weeks after the break up. I really wished for my death those weeks. Enough that I quite clumsily walked in front of a car, cause I didn't find it important to look left right lol. And even tho the car hit breaks and nothing happened, I wondered that maybe it wouldn't be way too bad to have died then and there and have the whole thing over with. Or maybe survive and have new priorities? Whichever, I was ok with both. Obsession is quite self-desctructive. I think I delete MSN today, cause...Even the sms that he won't be around a lot this weekend made me upset. And it can't continue like this. This has to end.

It was nice while it lasted. I don't know what I will do about hugs, definitely gonna miss closeness. Cause after all, I'm just 20 and I'm just a girl. And I was betrayed by far too many people.

I'm scared to publish this also lol. Cause I'm scared I will regret my decision about once again deleting MSN and I'm scared that at some point, after pushing certain people away for long enough, there wont be a way back.

And now I have to feel what I was most scared of. Pain, betrayal and loneliness lol ...

Good morning folks ~.~

I'm SO dead like ... really dead duh ... sigh, wanted to finish my chapter last night so I went to sleep really late. ._.' and still no reviews T.T guess the people don't like my story anymore ;.;

Oh well...what can I do. Guess I leave the next chapter on saturday. I have to get at least some sleep tonight or I'm gonna collapse tomorrow.

Also not just that youtube doesnt work, now also facebook doesnt work. I'm gonna be freaking bored all damn day long, what am I gonna be doing = = sigh...

Posting once more today, starting to wonder if it was a good idea to go home. Suddenly don't know what to do with my free time. No inspiration really to sweat out another chapter with ease either.

Yesterday I had a trip down to Audition Eu Land. Played a few games with Infinity, found out I didn't become too much of a noob either and since then I kinda have to think about Danh and Ryan. Especially Danh came to my mind yesterday. Now that I think about it, he's been sort of my first boyfriend actually. Not just a one sided one I mean and we were together twice. He betrayed me with another woman, I dated Thai and Tomi, then when I broke up with both, I stole Danh back from the other girl. Then I betrayed him with Seong as far as I remember. Still he stayed there for me. And when I had troubles with my other relationships, when Ryan was making me sad, he was staying all nights long up until his early mornings for when I woke up, before he went to sleep. He stayed awake until I woke up again and bid him good night. I got so spoiled since then. The relationship I had with Danh was really effortless, it ran on its own without any sacrifices. I regret that I refused to meet him, back then I was a child and too scared. He wanted to fly over so many many times. He wanted me to fly over. When things between me and Ryan got alright again, Ryan put me between a choice of him or Danh. So I hurt him again and then he left me for real. Leaving me with no more than that goodbye letter I still haven't forgotten about. It's been 5 years ago when we dated lol I was silly 15.

I dont even know if you check this email but...

Monika,

Those word LOVE FOREVER stayed with me. You probably will never understand me nor if I will ever understand myself. Just let me suffer and you please take care. Whoever does find you he is a very very lucky young man...
These are my last words to you ~ "Deep in my heart...You will always have a place...." ~
and lastly...Thank You

However stupid I might've been at that time, I guess with age and several experiences you can put a finger at the person whos love was most sincere and pure. If I were to make a chart it would be 1.Danh 2.Tomi 3.Ryan.

Ryan also held out for quite a long time. It's been like he had a 6th sense linked towards me, for he always appeared when I was sad. And all I did was torturing him with how the guy I left him for treats me bad, he's been waiting for when I break up with Fan and many times we did, he still wanted me to return. Now that it's really over he's gone. And also I don't think I could return to him after what I've done to him.

Also what's interesting is that each of these men have completely different personalities, which means I'm quite adaptable. For Danh was very very funny and loyal. Tomi got me head over heels with his eyes and erm...call it passion and optimism. And Ryan was the biggest sweetheart I ever met. So if I can combine these 3 men up into one... I would get the ultimate guy I want to spend my life with. Sadly such a man doesn't exist so I should stop my blabbering and go do something about my free time.

Also I have one song reserved for each of the guys I had longer or deeper relationships with. Whichever you see playing, you can guess whos on my mind.

So for Danh: Angela Zhang and Wilbur Pan - Kuai Le Chong Bai

Cause it's the last song I got from him, before he disappeared. And I always held this one as one to remember Danh.

For Tomi it would be: Se7en - Ari No Mama

Actually all the songs from Se7en are memories of him, since I always thought he resembles.

For Ryan it's: Marc Antoine - Tant Besoin De Toi (I have always needed you)

Cause it's the first song he ever gave me and the song is just as sweet as he was.

And lasty the one I chose to be Fans: Black Eyed Peas - Meet Me Halfway (or in our case, not at all anymore)

Simply cause of the implications of a far relationship and how it can be conquered if both try hard enough. (Fail)

Good morning again. Hmm today I decided to take half the day off, so will be going home at around 12am already... need to rest really, also no mood to even be here today lol. Everyone else is taking holidays, so I actually have to work at work lol. I know... but hmm... yesterday I got quite irritated again. Then when I went bed I contemplated if my decision was right, to keep that guy around. But then I just thought, \Why arger yourself, why let him make you angry. Just dont care and dont be and dont think about him or what he does. Then you be fine.' I guess that's the way to success.

To my disappointment I woke up this morning with no reviews or story alerts...maybe the last chapter wasn't so great then. Have to start updating more slowly or people won't think they have to review, to make me continue Buahahah :x I'm evil, I know... But yesterday the general plot came to my mind and I decided where I want to take my story. Gonna be a loooong story and many more chapters are to follow. Can't wait.

Bbye~

E-Phone + Delta

Good morning

So today is monday again. Of course I can't enjoy a peacefull start of the week. This monday, meaning today were launching new extension to our Delta transfering system. Which means more complications and call waitings till everyone learns to operate the new extension. That also a lot of flaws will first be detected, like wrong extensions and thus wrong transfering. Two technicians already came to scold us, like it's our fault. Now the people I transfer to can see my phone extension. So they can track me down if I transfer something wrong -_- really dislike the thought, no more carefree transfering. Also when the people are really unwilling to share any data and I transfer them out of the good of my heart, I will prolly end up being scolded by some stranded bored and frustrated technician. But all in all I don't dislike E-phone that much. Sounds like iPhone lol. One thing I don't like through is that I can't put the customers call on hold anymore (means putting him to listen to music while I click out and search the necesarry data) instead I can only put him on mute, so he can't hear me, but I can still hear him. At least 5 people hang up on me today already cause they thought the connection died when it went completely silent. Also one guy, I put him on mute then he turned to a friend and said "She speaks so quietly I can barely hear her." I was tempted to unmute the call and tell him "I apologize, I just didnt want to yell at my customers but next time, I will."

So that's how work is going today. Also I struggle to find the time to continue my fanfiction or read any of it, or god beware...watch some on youtube. Have to concentrate on E-phone and also aid the new girl next to me and help her if shes lost. Not that I complain. Just wish that after friday, today could be a little bit more peacefull. We're also getting a new Team Leader, from Lenovo...No idea why they always call outsiders, who have no idea how things are going here. They always spit big words, but dont know what their talking about in the least.

Also, still considering my choices from yesterday. Not much changed really. I really have to become more peacefull myself and think things over so I'm less lost and confused... ok I end this post here.

Bbye~

Lately I have been contemplating my own actions and how I waver between decisions. It's easy to act strong, as if nothing had happened and even if something happened then you're loooong over it. But it's also not easy in the same time.

I wanted to become a strong girl, but I think I miscalculated what 'strong' means. Clearly I was trying to punish the people who did this to me and it takes more than one person to break me. And I was trying to replace the people. And cover up for the loneliness by seeking attention from people, who I actually don't want to spend my time with. With that alone I can tell that I did become stronger, simply cause I now don't seek unnecesarry attention from people, I can pass time very well on my own. On other hand, I don't trust anyone anymore. I trust no one to actually really be my friend and actually stay my friend.

So strong... strong is not to cover up and try to replace and forget. Strong is to accept it as part of who you are, keeping it in the back of your mind and reminding urself of the possibility being there that everyone can and (most definitely) will betray you. But even through that fact, not giving up on trying and hoping. That's what I define with the word strong. Now that's what I did until now. Trying and hoping. Now it's up to fate. Either it will grant you those true friendships and maybe relationships for the hope. Or in my case it might send more people to betray you to probe you. And then when you're torn and possibly beyond repair. When you really give up and stop trying... Well then what...That I don't know. It's clearly running in a circle.

But I did learn some valuable lessons.

1. No more internet relationships, ever. Way more cons than pros.

2. No more trusting anyone, ever. It just doesn't pay back unless the people PROVE that their worth your trust.

And actually I think I grew to the decision that I want no more relationship in any close future of at least a few years. I won't find anyone anyway, so might just as well stop longing for a man that would fill the empty void and protect you from harm. Still every girl is longing, not even I can not. So my decision is kinda...don't search, let urself be found.

Today I read a status on Facebook. It read "When you forgive people it's cause you still want them in your life." Now this made me contemplate why I still talk to Fan. Honestly speaking I don't trust him the least, he never brought anything good to me. Do I want him in my life, do I not? Being absolutely honest with myself, either as a boyfriend or not at all. And since I decided that I absolutely CANNOT ever date that guy anymore in my life. It would lead to the decision that (even through maybe still a bit want him in my life) most of my being just want's to get rid of every possible memory stored in my head. I got rid of any bits of love I might have had for him. That's one thing for sure which I am very pleased with, no lies. But even the slightest bits of his attention kill my mood. I especially hate to listen anything about his life. I really don't care the least what hes doing at any moment. The lost love doesn't hurt, what does hurt is the deepest betrayal I ever experienced. And that cannot be forgotten,forgiven or ignored or in any way made up for.

The real reason why I haven't deleted him completely by now is just cause I'm not ready yet. I just wish to torment him a little bit more, but along of tormenting him im tormenting myself and lowering myself on his level. I just wish he would finaly leave me be, so I can go through 1-2 week of him not being deleted but not talking to him at all. So it's the bastards fault for me not being able to fully get over and close the chapter. After all a girl IS flattered when a guy just can't get over her. -.- And that's the wrong way of thoughts, cause he became absolutely unneeded in my life. His presence serves no other purpose than to torture me. Really have to delete my MSN in the shortest time. Then I can finaly accept my life as it is now and concentrate on other things.

Good Mooooorning ^-^ Today I'm in high spirits ^-^ Woke up to find 4 new emails in my mail box, one of the a very very positive flattering review and the other 3 were 1.An author put a story alert on you story 2.An author put a favourite story alert 3.An author put a favourite author alert *-*

and my review:This chapter was a great improvement upon the first chapter. The dialogue

flowed much more smoothly. The descriptions and action felt natural and not
rushed while not being too slow.

The plot is definitely picking up and I wonder how Xelloss is going to explain
this. XD

Ok well I admit the first chapter was ... dissatisfying, I didn't know where to start at all, since it's been 4 years and more since I wrote anything.

But anyway having people read my stoy and actually liking it makes a lot for me ^-^ Today chapter.3, just cause I like people review me.

Buh Bye folks~

I now know why I don't like summer at summer and want summer when it's winter. This heavy weather makes my blood pressure go really low ... or really high? In any case I really hate when I feel like this. Reading a fanfic and not knowing what I read about as I pass the words, listening to music but not recognizing any melody even as the songs change. Then trying to locate some feelings but feeling nothing. Just empty space, I don't even realise myself. And I better not stand up from this chair or I just end up collapsing on bed and falling back asleep -.- And I wanted to continue writting today but hard to do when I can't concentrate on anything, not even on myself. Guess I go back to bed for a while and then somehow try to revive myself with liters of coffee so I become at least aware of myself. Like my world doesn't reach beyond where my body ends, can't concentrate on the outside the window either. And as much as I love looking up into the endless sky, the infinite view hurts my eyes. And I write kinda weirdly poetic...will come in handy later on when I continue my fanfic...since I already uploaded the first chapter on internet...and got my first review and first person putting my story in their story alerts. Gotta continue.

Hi dear blog...today I have been cleaning up my phone again from smses and pictures. Actually I was deleting whole folders. Till I looked into the video folder, convinced it's empty and just making sure when I discovered a video. Honestly have no idea when I made that one, couldn't even make out the location at first. Didn't do me too good tho. I still have mails to delete and some smses too. I haven't managed to completely close that chaptes yet and delete all of the evidence that it ever happened. Think I be doing that today. I can't afford to recall anymore stuff and can't afford to want to talk again. This week was a bit odd. And it's unacceptable. I have to deleat MSN. I can't afford daily contact, already can feel that I slowly slip back again and actually start to care again. Gotta delete it all off and rather focus more on my anime...

Dear blog...got so annoyed at work yesterday and today... Imagine what this annoying stupid jerk is doing by now. Yesterday I wanted to go grocery store during my lunch break, cause it would be closed by the time I finished at work. So I was going downstairs when I meet Juan Carlos...That guy instantly spots me in a hallway full of people and asks me where I'm going. When I tell him I go on Obchodna to buy something, I thought it ends with that. Instead he takes his badge and heads with me on Obchodna...He went with me ALLLLL the way to Obchodna, was cracking stupid jokes, saying my eyes are pretty and that I shall show him my face. Then when we reached the grocery store he said how convenient, cause he can do some shopping as well. Then he went with me the fucking whole way back to stupid Dell and thank got I got rid of him when we reached 2nd floor, since hes on that floor while I'm on 3rd. Then as soon as I collapse into my chair psychically exhausted that guy writes me on my work communicator thanking me for the nicely spend lunch break? I thought I'm gonna smash something. When I got onto eating it looked like I was trying to kill smth that's already dead, namely the chicken breast. Then today I went downstairs for lunch to bring back up since I had lunch break alone and didn't want to eat in the restaurant alone. Then when I put the food down on my table one of my colleagues calls my name and when I turn around I see Juan Carlos........................walking from OUR kitchen on the THIRD floor with a GLASS OF WATER. Those water filter things are on fucking each floor. Colleagues said he came through the door from staircase, walked the short way to the kitchen starring at my chair trying to locate me, then went to get the water whats near the door all the time looking at my spot then he went back downstairs with a stupid glass of water all the time looking at my place. When I turned around I saw him in the background I immediately out of instinct dodged down and then I fucking went to eat to a colleague cause her spot is unable to see. Then when it was 5pm, what's his time to go home that guy wrote me "Hi blondy. Short question: When are we meeting for lunch tomorrow". I thought I'm gonna smash my LCD screen. Then one of my colleagues wrote to him(a guy) asking if he wants to go lunch with him tmr. Then Juan replies that he already has arranged something with a pretty blond girl. Then my colleague wrote him to leave his girlfriend alone lol. Then Juan wrote to me "What's going on?" I never replied of course. But honestly wtf. A colleague has to pretend to be my boyfriend to get that guy off my neck? How retarded does a person have to be just come on this floor to get a fucking glass of stupid water just to look if I'm there or not. I shouldn't have told him I'm having lunches at 1pm usually, now hes waiting downstairs before the restaurant for me like yesterday or when I don't show up he comes on the 3rd floor to just get a glass of water in our kitchen hoping I might be eating there... That's not normal anymore. My coach is really annoyed with him as well. He said he's just waiting for a word from me so he can write an email on Juan's Team Leader to tell him to stop bothering me since it's unwished for and disturbing me from work(which is a lie since I never reply, sort of an excuse to not reveal the real reason). Honestly the whole team saw that guy turning his neck towars my seat...That's fucking not normal anymore, that creep...argh making me angry. =.=

Hiii again~

Just a short update :) My moods not the best the past week again, mainly and actually only cause of this awfully sucky weather over Slovakia. Like excuse me is this how the weather is supposed to look at the end of June and on the first official summer day? Summer yea right indeed. -.-' Annoys me awfully and makes me bored at work and a bit cranky. But definitely no more sad. Haven't been sad in a long long while. So proud of myself really. *pat herself* Believing really does wonders. Also yesterday I decided that I will start my very own Slayers fanfiction as off the next few days. Will be uploading and sharing also. But mainly only with the people who know what it's about.

Well stay tuned for updates

Bbye~

Hi dear blog~ I've been to Aupark with Klaudia today finaly. I got myself some nice new flat shoes(ballerina ones) with a bow on the front. Really cute cute ones. Needed something comfy to walk in all days long. Then we went for some fancy coffee and cake. Then did some grocery shopping and went to watch Sex & the City the Movie #2. Hmm but still kinda not my day today. I really goddamn want summer now. Like really really...I gotta see some sun or I die soon. How else do I replenish my energy omg...Bough some tea for work. Japanese Cherry & Vanilla, Egyptian Menthol & Green Tea to be exact. Need those to even keep my voice since I talk all days long at work. Well not much to say, will be watching my Slayers I guess.~

Buh Bye

Well hi again dear blog, I realised I've been deserting you for quite a while recently. Partly cause of there were things I didn't want to share with anyone but all in all I am doing quite fine. Wednesday I was out with my colleagues after work. We went to a place called the Flag Ship. Looked all really nice inside really like it would be a ship. :) Everyone had some sort of alcohol, mostly beer and since I don't like beer I had some harder stuff. Got a bit drunk, ok quite a bit drunk but pretty much sober by the time I went home around 11pm. Was really fun tho, got great colleagues at work. Thursday I think I went shopping quite a lot. From when I quit at work at 5pm till 8pm, going through shops and shops and bought few nice things. Like some skin care cosmetics from La Roche-Posay and a really cute Pucca shirt lol. Friday ... yesterday eh had work till 8pm, then went home for a while to change shoes since it just HAD to start raining when I quit at work. Didn't rain at all the whole day then when I'm about to go home it starts drizzling then it actually starts to goddamn rain. Then headed for Coffee&Co where I was supposed to meet Adam but then... as I was walking up on Obchodna street towards the Michael's Gate I met... no one else but Juan. God please tell me HOW on earth do I meet with that man on a friday night!? What a sick joke. I was succesfully avoiding that stalker. Don't really like to be around him that much... I can't decipher his intentions with me. He's married but he keeps giving me unnormal compliments and asking me out. First for lunch, then coffee then he wanted to go to a club with me so he can teach me how to dance? No way in hell am I going to a club with him. Ever. That's creepy. That guy is not weak or anything lol I don't desire to be molested in any way or abducted. And maybe it's just the way Venezulean people are, or Portugean...I don't even know what he is really. It's fun to be around him tho... ok maybe it's cause of the compliments. You don't get told...actually nevermind I won't write it out here what he said to me. In any case... as I met him he went with me all the way to coffee&co even tho he was originaly headed the other way. Then I somehow got stuck standing in front of Coffee&Co with him in pouring rain talking to him. He didn't seem so bothered and I didn't seem to realise it was raining. Was kind of looking for my escape I guess, but there was no smooth way out. I ended up promising him to go lunch with him on tuesday... Oh dear God. Why do I attract such weird guys. -_-'

That also reminds me in what weird situations I find myself with Michael and Thai lately.

Sitting in Michael's lap last sunday wasn't such an awesome idea, only cause he wanted to test if my dog is jealous...Nor him touching my leg or breasts just to make me stop pinching him. Zzzzz...He should learn to fucking behave himself, I'm single yes, it doesn't do anything to me if he randomly tries to touch, but his girlfriend wouldn't be too pleased at all. Especially since it's been only something over a week that he's been worrying if his girlfriend isn't pregnant. I really didn't manage to face him since that sunday, especially not really after the places he's been randomly touching.

And Thai... that's a story itself but Thai definitely can behave better. Even if he also can't seem to resist to be touching my legs, when I'm with him. And I still goddamn have to try to evade those kisses he tries to sneak upon me when I hug him good-bye.

Then this guy at work, Andrej Cehlarik...also a story itself, no one likes him cause hes dumb, lacks work moral and is always just slacking. He has a weird obsession with touching my legs and neck also. And for some reason I'm more worried about him touching my neck, since I remember him telling me that his ex-gf liked him to pretend suffocating her, when they had sex... Gives me the creeps omg... Go Go FAR away from my neck you jerk =.= And stop eyeing me, it's DISTURBING!

Then this married guy also can't seem to stop following me. Juan mentioned he's been seeying me around a lot. Funny thing is I never once remember seeying him watching me. He's good at hiding...Makes me imagine him lurking behind a corner getting ready to jump at me.

Also, I seem to be stalked by two of the fan-club members I stole from a different girl when I started working there. And the only normal guy at work, who I actually don't dislike. Seems to have to interest at all. Funny thing is hes slovakia, lived in England for a year and was to China as well...His accent reminds me of someone, somemore I have to get away when he starts talking english on the phone. Since when did I like english accent, no idea. I didn't but his voice is nice. Also this guy seem to have obsession with my perfume since he couldn't restrain from commenting on it the last time I was around. But yea hes decent, his voice is nice, his looks aren't bad but he's really not that interesting to me.

Also I've been talking to a few guys on this one Chat page, 2-3 of them that I got in contact seemed to be quite normal and with the same interests as me. But I think I'm done with meeting people over internet, considering I kinda forgot to log on for the past 5 days or so...

To be honest as much as I write here about all those guys I have stories with, I'm not really interested in anyone and anything, their attention just gives me the creeps. Don't want a relationship anymore. No time soon. Learned my lesson, I rather stay alone being fascinated with my anime and fanfiction than choosing the wrong partner again. Will never forget that fucking pain I was in those 2-3 weeks. I actually can't remember how long it's ago since he broke up. I stopped controlling it, I stopped contacting him, I stopped thinking about him, I stopped wanting to go home to talk to him. Finaly it's done. Althrough I still can't say I'm not melancholic and sad when I think about him. But I realised I'm more fine when I don't talk to him. If I would keep talking to him on a daily routine it would be just opening old wounds, that I had to painfully heal myself with lots of tears and blood. Those objects I use daily like the comb from him, the USB stick or Chanel perfume, don't do anything to me anymore. Got immune to the memories those objects bear and everything else that I'm not immune to yet is stored away safely from my eyes.

I don't know what to think through. I would like to think that I became stronger, but I also became more wounded and lonely. There is no simple answer. I just try to go back to who I was many years ago. To that overly optimistic girl obsessed with her anime. Who wasn't bothered with any guy or any friends. Back then I was alone but didn't feel lonely at all. Now that I am not alone I still do feel lonely. Maybe that's why out of all the animes I decided to go back to my Slayers era. It's been the last anime I liked before I got into audition and started meeting all my boyfriends. Where my life went wrong, I want to go back there and restore the person I was before. So far I think I'm doing good.

That's why I really like the lyrics of one of the Slayers ending songs.

'There is nothing that can save a heart that's been immersed in sadness. Trapped by your own self, soaked in shattered tears. I know you won't give up. You believe in the path you chose for yourself. But what will you do if, even for all your efforts, you come up against a pain you can't erase? I want to become stronger. So that I can take in your sadness at any time. I'm being questioned about something as simple as continuing to live. There's no answer to that. I just lift up my head and walk on.'

But I would change it to..."There is nothing that can save a heart that's been immersed in sadness. Trapped by my own self, soaked in shattered tears, I know I won't give up. I believe in the path I chose for myself. But what will I do if, even for all my efforts, I come up against a pain I can't erase? I want to become stronger. So that i can take in all of my sadness at any time. I'm questioning myself about something as simple as continuing to live. There's no answer to that. I just lift up my head and walk on.'

Bbye~

Good morning dear blog~ :)

Not much to write really, just waiting for youtube to load my anime episode *-* Yesterday I finished watching Slayers Revolution and now going on with Slayers Evolution-R. I even bought pink pink headphones to be able to watch this at work lols. Really loving the anime and really loved the last episode yesterday. Was doing the A_A face on the last battle lol... ok well I'm off to watching! :)

Good morning blog~ PAYCHECK DAY!!! Time to waste money *-* But nah... seriously I can't waste all the money within the first 1-2 weeks ah ._.' gonna be tough really. Once again I have a list of things that I have to buy. Could waste all my paycheck straight today... will see how much I buy this month and what expenses I rather keep for next month. I just hope I don't get sick now cause I have this stubborn sick girl next to me that refuses to stay at home -_-' Like really... bothersome. Hmm...

Yesterday night ALSO didn't go THAT well. Well I found my old fanfictions and stuff, was quite happy about it but erm. That guy just ruins my mood way too easily, he doesn't even know how. Oh well... no comment. I rather go rewrite that fanfiction of mine instead. Also I found out this page I registered at works at this work computer. Will have fun replying to all those guys *yay* *sarcasm off* ... Should stop using internet to meet guys eh, I would think that I learned my lesson... but guess not...

Good morning blog~ I overslept and also all in all didn't sleep that much x_x actually I did sleep an significant amount of 7hours since I overslept till 8am. But eh... I feel kind of bad... like, down. ._.' Ah maybe I overdid it last night. It's like I say he doesn't matter to me anymore and bang, next day I feel bad cause of him. It's unhealthy to think like this... to keep swinging between sides. Mornings are the worst, after I wake up with this kind of feeling. = I wonder if I'm honest with myself with everything I say. If that's really how I feel or if it's just some sort of protecting mechanism, trying to convince myself that I don't feel so attached anymore when I really do. Nah I don't really like before anymore, two weeks of crying and depressions... I decided to get up again and start all over. But I don't identify myself with this life I'm leading now yet. I do really enjoy watching those anime and meeting with friends more often... but it hasn't been like this for more than a week. So... I'm having my troubles here and I'm probably random rambling stuff that doesn't even make sense but... that's how my mind goes.

Had to detach in a way, cause with that attitude of his = Always gone when I needed him... that includes weekends and evenings especially. Hmm... It wasn't a lie that I almost forgot his face, but the overall picture remains and plays tricks on me. -_-" I'm such a perv...I won't even write in what roles that overall picture plays role lol... *ashamed* Lol well I'm sure I could revive more memories of his face if I was willing to at least look at one of his pictures, but I'm quite scared lol. That's like the last step of knowing that u have broken up and detached and got over that person. When you look at them and you feel nothing. But before that it's painfull once more. And I'm scared of that.

Also who is he trying to fool... = He was talking big about wanting to stay friends like before, but then when I asked him how he imagined this going on he said that we're gonna talk less and less. He's not emailing, smsing, calling or webcamming so yea... it sure looks like how we communicated before = I will also stop...

K well I go read my magazine

Bye~

Good evening... Ok well today is a complete fiasco...Not feeling happy at all anymore right now... And the headache doesn't help much sigh. Don't know why I can't be happy today. I had things to say to Fan too lol and he came and left again. So great, mood gone for real, shouldn't have missed him even tho I haven't waited, still. Didn't even thank for the song, just didn't feel like saying such. That guy just goes from Poland to parties and in a great mood I assume. It doesn't do me well to see how not bothered he is by anything even tho I myself was not bothered the past days. And I need to use a soap and clean my head, those images running through aren't helping at all. Like really what good does it do me to think that he has a great frame lol, understand broad shoulders. No good at all. And this stupid hiccups since yesterday, either someone is really thinking about me or... Ok prolly no one thinking about me, it's just me thinking to myself who I would like to think of me since I got hiccups last night at 00:40am and tonight as well. Thank god I have no credit on my phone...Or I would prolly be sending smses out by now. Like this I can't and it's not really bad. It's hard to lead life alone, knowing that if something goes wrong it's still only you. I feel so uninspired to send application letter to my new school as well now. I don't want to study really, I wanted to finish it for someone. I see no sense doing it for myself really right now. Well...hopefully I feel better tomorrow. I thought I detached myself already, guess it's not that easily done in this case. It's funny tho, I have been doubting that relationship the whole time it lasted cause I never felt really in love with butterflies in stomach and whatever. But guess I really did love him more than I thought. They don't say for nothing 'You don't know what you have until you loose it'.

Well I think I head bed slowly, no point staying awake when I feel bad and have a headache.

G'nite~

PS: Did I mention it's 13th? =| And also did I mention I had written in my diary "13th June 1 year 2 months"? Just didn't expect any break up so I wrote it before hand and oh my how that little note torments me when I just want to look up when I work this week... -__-"